Anybody who knows me well knows that I value honesty. I would much rather be told the truth, even if it's painful to accept. I also believe that being honest about yourself strengthens the chances of others sharing honestly with you about their own life (This concept is used in an episode of Bones entitled "Mayhem on the Cross" for those who would prefer and audio video version of this concept in action). But I digress. In the instance of this post, I'm going to be completely honest about myself, even though these topics aren't anything I particularly want to share.
Lately, I have been struggling to live as a child of God. I by no means feel like I have been living as the light of the world. Instead, I've been more like that person who lights a lamp and puts it under a bowl, as described in Matthew 5:15. This is mostly because I am disenchanted with myself over my thoughts and actions as of late. Recently, I have found myself in social situations where alcohol has been involved. 98% of the time, I am a self-controlled individual who limits her intake to one or two drinks. Unfortunately, the other night I was too busy focusing on the conversation with new friends that I did not realize I was well past being buzzed before it was too late. Now many people would say, and lead me to believe, that this is not a big deal. But the fact that I allowed this to happen two nights in a row makes it kind of a big deal and raises the question in me, "What was I thinking?" Truth of the matter is, I probably wasn't thinking. I was out to have a good time and enjoy my friends, and ended up going overboard. What I really kick myself over is that I've been formulating excuses in my mind to make it seem like what I did isn't the end of the world. In the grand scheme of things, it really isn't the end of the world, but as a child of God, I am not supposed to let myself get comfortable with the status quo of society and the ways of this world.
I think what I find even more disconcerting than my over consumption of alcohol is where my head has been at and where I have been mentally. Somehow over the years I have become less comfortable spending time by myself. I used to always be a loner and was completely fine with that, but nowadays, I have become more of a social creature. Again, many would feel like this is something positive to be embraced, but the dependence that I am beginning to feel on others is definitely negative, and not conducive for a future that will be full of change. Normally, as long as I am busy and productive, I am content being alone. With the added stress of coming down the home stretch of finishing my Master’s degree in exercise physiology and trying to get mentally prepared to go to Germany for the first time in five years, my brain has been askew and in complete disarray, warranting socialization in order to avoid implosion.
Last night I realized just how far I’ve truly fallen, and how much I can relate to the passage from Psalm 13:2 ~ “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” I had spent my day in class, running around doing errands, desperately trying to absorb information for my comprehensive exam next week, and stress cleaning in an attempt to numb all thought processes. Needless to say, not exactly a way I wanted to spend a nice summer day and come 6:30pm, I was tired of being alone and trying to evade my thoughts. Thankfully, a friend of mine invited me over to play some Wii so we could channel our inner middle school child.
Now comes the part where I get disgusted with myself, and words such as “ridiculous”, “childish”, and “pathetic” come to mind and seem to serve as apt descriptions for my thoughts and behavior. As I was leaving to recapture my youth, another friend texted me asking, “What’s up?” We got discussing our day's events and me asking if she was free later that night. Upon the response that she had been hiking and wasn’t sure when she would be home, I was flooded with jealous thoughts that she had a fun day (which is completely allowed and, in any normal situation, I would be extremely happy about) while I was stuck in my methodical and mundane routine of school, failing at studying, and reducing myself to stress cleaning. What ate away at me even more was the fact that she could tell via text message that I was upset for some reason and was concerned; if I could kick myself, I would have in that moment for accidentally eliciting worry over my senseless, envious thoughts. I attempted to evade questioning because in that moment I didn't want to admit to the truth of the matter or lie, but I got called on the carpet over my evasiveness (the downfall of letting certain friends get to know me so well <3) We settled upon me possibly visiting once she got home and I insisted she go back to having fun and not being concerned about me.
I thoroughly enjoyed my hours of Wii bowling and tennis (my muscles still ache due to my overly competitive nature), which served as a great stress reliever; possibly even better than running. I was content up until the point where I was driving to my friend's house to chat. I had texted my roommate to inform her of my plans and explain my stupidity, and she thankfully called me out on the fact that I had mentioned to her over the weekend that I had planned on being happy for people and not allow jealous thoughts to seep into my mind. I then went back to wanting to kick myself for all of the thoughts and emotions that trickled into my brain, executing a full blown invasion of my character. What depressed me more was what the situation reminded me of. I watch the show Will & Grace and during a Season 5 episode, they had a falling out over the fact that Grace realized that Will apparently hates when she is happy because then he is more aware of how miserable he is with his life. I was struck by how low I had evidently stooped in my life to allow a friend's happiness elicit such a strong negative reaction and emotions. I am truly regretting the fact that this situation had the opportunity to formulate, and pray that my thoughts and outlook will improve. I have always believed that my friend's happiness trumps my own, and I am saddened by this recent divergence of character. I would love to return to my original frame of mind, but for now, I will focus on the fact that I have thankfully been blessed with very forgiving and understanding friends.
No comments:
Post a Comment