It's easy to say that we surrender our lives to God, but the more I intrinsically search my soul, I realize how much of my life I still refuse to turn over to Him wholeheartedly. It's like I need to incessantly repeat Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths," in order to imprint it not only my brain, but my heart. It's simple to repeat those words, but to actually allow my life to reflect their true meaning is another story.
Trust is something that has been on my mind this week because I've been doing things that are a little outside of my comfort zone. While in North Carolina, I've gone into community on steroids. Like, my brain is completely overloaded and practically overwhelmed each day by the amount of people I've met going to church, small group, a prayer meeting, coffee, and Bible study. And even though I'm overwhelmed, I'm happy that I'm doing it and seeming like ERobb's groupie, following her around from place to place. It's a blessing to get to see how she lives her life within community and it gets me out of my comfort zone, which is exactly what I need. When I'm comfortable, I have no need to put trust in anything outside of myself. When I'm completely and totally uncomfortable with my surroundings, it gives me that opportunity to surrender the evening to God and allow Him to work through me because my natural response is to want to close myself off to the outside world instead of reaching out to a community. All the more reason it was a blessing to find a quote posted by J.S. Park today that stated, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."
This evening was such a blessing to me after my day. Satan knows I'm most vulnerable to attack when I'm tired and he knows that best way to deceive me and work his way into my mind is to make me doubt other people and start to question if I can trust them. I have some trust issues that I for the most part have dealt with due to experiences in my past, but every once in awhile, that doubt seeps in and can completely ruin my day. This whole week I had spent ensuring that my registration for a race would get transferred to a different location because a friend of mine had signed up for it. I was so excited once it got transferred so I could join her team, but when I searched for the team, I couldn't find it. I was hoping it to be some sort of computer glitch or something, but then Satan came along and made me wonder if she even signed up. I kick myself for even allowing the deceit to trickle in, even more so because it really ate away at me. Though I was frustrated, we trekked off to Bible study and this group of women was just so warm and welcoming and I felt right at home, which takes a lot for me because I hardly ever feel comfortable. Even more surprising to myself was the fact that I even took a couple opportunities to share some of my experiences with the group.
I left the Bible study feeling refreshed and even elaborating on the car ride home about some of my trust issues and where they stem from because I don't want to come across as that crazy person who seems paranoid when she says she doesn't trust people. It also gave me time to reflect on how I'm still not completely surrendering my life to God. I say I trust Him, but when discussing possible job opportunities earlier in the week, I said something about not having the money to move at the moment. How silly of me to think that money can get me anywhere in this life. It brought me back to what was discussed at church on Sunday about how the original disciples were sent out without any money or possessions in order to ensure that they completely relied on God to provide for their needs. That's how I need to live my life. God already knows what will happen in my life. Who am I to question where I'm heading and how I will "have enough" when He has had it all mapped out from the beginning of time?
The crowning moment in me realizing I must have more trust and not allow Satan to deceive me came when I decided to return to the race website one more time. I was hoping for a typo being the reason behind my inability to locate my team. I desperately wanted to trust that my friend did sign up, and thankfully, God provided me with an answer. He blessed me with a memory and I was able to recall the original way the team name was texted to me. I was spending all of my time searching for "Running for Jesus" when the actual team name is "Running 4 Jesus." I know this may seem silly to some to get all worked up about, but for a tired person with some trust issues, it was shaping up to be a frustrating disaster. Not only did God provide me with the due diligence to continue searching, but He blessed me with the knowledge that not only did my friend sign up for the race, but so did her sister, so I'll have even more company than I originally thought I would. My hope is that I'll remember this experience and continue to surrender more and more of my life and thoughts to God because He truly is in control of everything and knows all that will happen to me on this earth.
