Musical Motivation

The past couple weeks I feel like my serotonin levels have been slowly decreasing and then decided to take a nosedive at some point this week. For those who don't totally understand brain chemistry (myself included), that pretty much means I haven't felt like myself for a little while and this week the depression decided to rear its ugly head inside my head...again. I've come to accept the fact that this is just something that I deal with, but as a Christian, it also discourages me at times because I get frustrated with the reaction to my depression, which borders along the lines of self-pity. I find this quality in myself rather unwholesome when it springs up and desperately want to tell myself to get over myself, which I do, but surprise, surprise, that doesn't really do much of anything. In order to cope, I turned to my Bible and would read, then get distracted, then read, followed by more distraction. I also opted to listen to Alistair Begg's podcast, which this week happens to focus on trials that Christians will encounter, referencing James 1:1-3 and 1 Peter 4:12-19. As useful as all of this was, it still didn't change my mood at all. Making things worse was the fact that, in the grand scheme of things when compared to those who are suffering over in the Philippines or others who are dealing with actual struggles, I have nothing to complain about.
Then today I decided to go for a run. I'd love to say that my mood immediately improved because of it, but it didn't. I know that things like my bouts of depression take time to process, but I did do something unique on my run: listen to music. To some of you, this may not seem like such an odd concept since numerous people run with their iPods these days. The thing is, I'm typically not one of those people. But after today's experience, I think I will be one of those people. I used to be more of a purest, as in a runner who could go out and run for miles for the enjoyment of it, or because I knew I was training for a race. These days, though, I've found it hard to get myself off the couch. Too much chaos in my brain telling me I'm not the runner I used to be and too often, if I did manage to lace up my shoes and get on the road, I couldn't get in more than a mile before I was bored or pondering what the heck I was doing. This of course doesn't bode well for someone who would like to run a half marathon next May. So off I went today with my iPod in the hopes of getting some endorphins to boost the doldrums of my mind.
I didn't perform any miraculous feat of speed or distance, but I did accomplish a 2.5 mile run without wondering what the heck I was doing or feeling like I wanted to throw in the towel. It's been a little while since that's happened, so I was pleased. Also, when I was going up the steepest hill on this particular route, the song "Anklebiters" by Paramore came on, and the lyrics got me thinking. As much as I try to tell myself and everybody else that I don't care about what other people's opinion of me are, I clearly do and I've unfortunately allowed that to impact who I am. Don't get me wrong, I like who I am and all, but there are times in your life when people do or say things that just make you wonder and question yourself, and I think that's typically how I end up getting depressed from time to time. I'm by no means blaming anybody but myself for my mood because, at the end of the day, I have the power and choice over what thoughts occupy my mind (...take every thought captive to obey Christ, ~2 Corinthians 10:5), but I think it was something I needed to be made aware of again. The song not only helped to motivate me up that obnoxiously steep hill today, but it helped me re-evaluate who I am and what I focus on. Again, I'm still in a bit of a rut, but I'm slowly making steps of progress to get out of it. And it's those little victories in life that I must focus on. Sometimes it's not all about the big picture, but those baby steps away from where you don't want to be.

Pieces of a Puzzle

I don't even know myself at all

I thought I would be happy by now

The more I try to push it

I realise you've gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen

~Paramore

In a sense, our lives are just pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that we have to put together. The only thing is that we don't know what the final image looks like; only God does. All we can do is see where certain pieces fall into place and where others aren't actually a part of our puzzle at all.
This week a few pieces have fallen into place, while others have been taken out of the equation. It's amazing to see God at work in my life, even though I have no idea what the final product is going to be. I am sure that I am meant to be working on the Upper Delaware again this summer. It's almost like my own personal Ninevah and God is giving me another chance this summer to minister to those in need. Sure, I spent the whole year trying to runaway in a sense by applying to any exercise physiology position under the sun, but I'm clearly meant to return. That became very apparent after what happened today. A position in research that I had been attempting to acquire since last February will be vacant again soon and I was asked if I would be interested. If it was me last year, I would have totally gone for it, despite having prior obligations along the river. This year is different, though. Since I've already committed to working on the Upper Delaware, I didn't want to leave those people high and dry just to follow my own desires. Also, when analyzing the timing of everything, it's almost as if God was purposely blocking me taking the research job. That could be for any number of reasons between I'm meant to be on the river to I'm not meant to be at that research job. Regardless, I opted to step out in faith and trust God so I turned down the research job, even though it's what I've always wanted to do with my degree.
Along with discussing it with a few friends, going to Hillsong in NYC definitely helped solidify this fact that my decision to turn down a job offer was the right choice to make. One of the songs that the worship team sang was "Oceans," which is a beautiful song all about relinquishing control and allowing God to lead us. The lyrics that really spoke to me were the following:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel like where I am in life is where I'm meant to be, even though I'm sure it doesn't make much sense to outsiders. I'm thankful that my brothers and sisters in Christ understand the decisions I've made because I know people within the field of exercise physiology totally don't get what I'm doing with my life and are probably wondering why a promising young student gave up a perfect opportunity to further her career in exchange for a job that doesn't exactly pay well and is only a five month gig. It's times like this I'm thankful I answer to God and not man. My only response to anybody who asks would be to turn to Proverbs 19:21, which says, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." I can plan all I want and desire anything in the world, but if it doesn't line up with the purpose God has for my life, those puzzle pieces just aren't going to fit into the picture. 

Maundy Thursday, Bonhoeffer, and Birthday Reflections

Maundy Thursday is the day during Holy Week that marks two events in Jesus' ministry; Jesus washing His disciples' feet and the Last Supper and establishing the New Covenant. John 13:3-5 outlines the washing of feet: "Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." This act represents the reason Jesus came to Earth, which was to be a servant of God. Jesus demonstrated that He was not above serving others, and we should follow in His actions by serving our brothers and sisters in Christ. As Jesus said in John 13:16, "Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him."
The Last Supper also took place on what is remembered as Maundy Thursday. This was when Jesus and His disciples took part in the Passover Feast on the last night of Jesus' life. During this feast, Jesus predicted His betrayal, Peter's denial, and how He would be abandoned by His disciples. The most important event to occur during this meal, though, involved Jesus establishing the New Covenant with His people through the Lord's Supper or Communion. Mark 14:22-24 outlines this significant event: "While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying,'Take it; this is my body.' Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, and they all drank from it. 'This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many,' he said to them." As author Adam Hamilton stated in his book 24 Hours That Changed the World, "In this meal and through his death and resurrection, Jesus invited all humankind to become God's covenant people." This is the greatest blessing any of us could possibly receive if we accept Jesus into our hearts, and it is this blessing we must always remember when we take part in the Lord's Supper.
Another event that coincides with Maundy Thursday this year that is not as well known is the  69th anniversary of Dietrich Bonhoeffer being arrested by the Gestapo. Eric Metaxas outlines this event in his book Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy: "He knew what was happening: the Gestapo had finally made their move. They were at the Dohnanyis, searching the house. Bonhoeffer calmly went next door to see Ursula and told her what had happened and what would likely happen next: the Gestapo would arrive and arrest him too. She prepared a large meal for him, and then Bonhoeffer went back home to put his papers in order, since the Gestapo would be having a good look around, as was their habit. He had prepared for this moment for a long time and even left a few notes specifically for their benefit. Then he returned to the Schleichers and waited. At four o'clock Bonhoeffer's father came over and told him that two men wished to speak with him. They were upstairs in his room. It was Judge Advocate Manfred Roeder and a Gestapo official named Sonderegger. Bonhoeffer met them, and taking his Bible with him, he was escorted to their black Mercedes and taken away. He would never return."
It seems fitting that Bonhoeffer had his own last supper of sorts prepared by his sister as he awaited the Gestapo. Much like Jesus, who was aware of his own impending arrest, Bonhoeffer also dealt with a similar situation, but on a much lesser scale. I also find it quite interesting that Bonhoeffer made no attempt to flee the Gestapo, even though he knew that they were coming. But that just speaks to the character of the man that Bonhoeffer was. He knew his fate and was prepared to face it. His arrest was originally in connection with his work with the Abwehr, but it eventually became known that he was deeply involved in a coup and conspiracy against Hitler. This sealed his fate, and Bonhoeffer was eventually executed upon a decree from Heinrich Himmler. It seemed fitting for Bonhoeffer to die for actions backed by his faith considering he is maybe best known for the quote, "When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die."
My birthday seems much less significant when paired with the other events that are also commemorated on this day, April 5, 2012. Upon reflection of this past year, I think the opening to Paramore's "Hello Cold World" seem to best describe how I feel: "I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel like running through the walls. I'm overjoyed, I'm undecided, I don't know who I am." Needless to say, it's been a bit of a roller coaster ride. The highs include completing the Delaware Marathon and being awarded a Master of Science in Clinical Exercise Physiology. I was also blessed with the opportunity to travel extensively to Washington D.C., Germany, Paris, New Orleans, and New York City. Unfortunately, part of my twenty-third year seemed to hold an eery resemblance to "When I Go Down" by Relient K, specifically the line, "I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships." I had a lot go wrong in a very short period of time, and I had very few stick by my side during my darkest moments, which made me lose hope and trust. Thankfully, I grew closer to Christ in this period of my life and I held fast to Psalm 118:8, which says, "It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans." I am also thankful that after a period of a few months, I've been able to forgive those who hurt me and weren't even aware of the pain caused.
I'm also aware that some of my actions assisted in my own fate. That realization became even more apparent from listening to "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K on my way home from work yesterday. That came after I spent some time reading part of Adam Hamilton's 24 Hours That Changed the World. Here are two quotes that stuck with me from my reading: "It is worth considering, as we look at repentance and restoration, that although Jesus knew Judas would betray him, Peter would deny him, and the others would desert him, he still washed their feet...Jesus looked past their betrayal, their sins, and their failures and called them his friends," and "Remember, these close companions were not perfect. They had let him down and would do so again. One would even betray him. Still, they were the best friends he had; and they were with him as he approached his darkest hour." What I learned from the song and from these quotes is that I need to stop placing such high expectations on people. I need to remember that I'm a screwup and so is everybody else. We still stem from Adam and Eve, even though we can find new life with Christ. No matter what, we still have the dead sin within our hearts that can hinder our walk if we allow it. More importantly, I need to learn to be more like Christ. Despite the hurt or abandonment I might endure at the hands of my friends, I must still remember to forgive them for their actions because I'm sure I'm bound to do something insensitive or knuckle-headed that we need to be forgiven in the future. That's not just a guess. That's a fact.
Looking back on all that's happened in the past year, I'm a better person after enduring all of the events.  Much like a line from "24" by Switchfoot, (which seems fitting to listen to on my 24th birthday, an idea I got from a man who herded goats for Heidi), "I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago." I am continually learning each and every day and striving to better myself and my attitude as I encounter adversity and blessings in this life. My hope is to recapture hope and my ability to trust people. Every day won't be perfect, but each day is a chance to repair a broken friendship, enjoy laughs with an old friend, make new friends, or be thankful for the family that I have in my life.

Expression Through Paramore Lyrics

I had kind of a rough day. I had lots of people asking if I've had any breakthrough on my job hunt because they truly care, but it's hard to have to tell the same "not yet" story over and over and over again in a single day. I know God has a plan and a purpose, and Bible study tonight helped remind me that I need to give everything to Him because God is in control.
On my way home, I decided to put my Paramore songs on shuffle on my iPod. Since I don't believe in coincidences, I chose to write down the order of the songs that played on my drive home, and they all helped improve my mood and express my feelings in their own unique way. So I've decided to express myself by listing the songs that played, along with the lyrics that spoke to me as I drove back home tonight.

Can't make my own decisions, or make any with precision. ~Playing God

And the worst part is, before it gets any better, we're headed for a cliff. Then in the free fall I will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom. The tragedy it seems unending. I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending. We're taking shortcuts and false illusions just to come out the hero. ~Turn It Off

Take this time to realize that you always force a smile in the midst of trial. And everything is always right (and I think that it's time). This battle must be won (but you pushed it aside). Pushed it aside. Pretend that it's gone. This circle never ends and it's time you just face it, don't pretend. ~This Circle

And I'll take the truth at any cost. 'Cause we are broken. What must we do to restore our innocence and oh, the promise we adored? Give us life again 'cause we just wanna be whole. ~We Are Broken

I had it all, but, not what I wanted 'cause hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown...You can't tell me to heal. And it hurts remembering how it felt to shut down. You can't be too careful anymore when all that is waiting for you won't come any closer. You've got to reach out a little more. ~Careful

Cause I fear I might break and I fear I can't take it. Tonight I'll lie awake feeling empty. I can feel the pressure...Now that I'm losing hope and there's nothing else to show...Some things I'll never know and I had to let them go. I'm sitting all alone feeling empty. ~Pressure

I'll write you just to let you know that I'm alright. ~Here We Go Again

But now I feel like I don't know you. ~Never Let This Go

Stuck on you 'till the end of time. ~Stuck On You

I climb, I slip, I fall...Breathe for love tomorrow cause there's no hope for today. ~Breathe (Until Tomorrow)

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong; that I've fallen down and I can't do this alone. ~My Heart

This wasn't what you wanted, was it? ~All We Know

Well you treat me just like another stranger. ~Ignorance

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place. If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday...Holding onto patience wearing thin. I can't force these eyes to see the end. If only time flew like a dove. We could watch it fly and just keep looking up. ~Hallelujah

I think I'll pace my apartment a few times and fall asleep on the couch. ~All I Wanted

Beautiful Letdown

It was a beautiful let down
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt

Switchfoot

Simply put, this week has not been what I was hoping it would be for numerous reasons that I'd rather not dive into at the moment. In the words of Switchfoot, it's seemed like a beautiful letdown. There have been some situations that have caused me to feel utter frustration and despair, but my goal is to try and not make hasty decisions as I process my current reality and grapple with what could be my future reality. Ephesians 4:26, "In your anger do not sin..." seems to be in the forefront of my mind in the hopes of not lashing out at an unassuming passerby.
I've started running again in the hopes that I can get some endorphines running through my body in to try and lift my mood. The only issue with that is the fact that after so much time off, it's really hard to build that base again. Every runner wants to be able to jump right back into the sport with ease and be able to feel like they are in tip top shape, but that just isn't the case. Starting to run again after taking around 9 months off can almost be demoralizing, which isn't exactly a feeling I need to have coupled with my other frustrations. Thankfully I'm determined to get back in shape and am refusing to let those defeatists thoughts win.
In a way, it brings me back to how I felt during mile 17 of my marathon back in Delaware. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and questioning whether or not I could complete the race, but God was there to help me to the finish line. A song I listened to on the way to the race was "Unbreakable" by Fireflight, which is something that I listened to on my way to work today. The lyrics that really spoke to me were the following: "Sometimes it's hard to just keep going. But faith is moving without knowing. Can I trust what I can't see? To reach my destiny. I want to take control but I know better." Back during the marathon, it helped me to keep working towards that finish line. Now, it's my motivation to not give up, even when the world seems against me.
At this point in time, I'm very thankful for the blessing of music. There are numerous songs which seem to speak to how I feel in my current predicament. Along with "Unbreakable," two other songs that have helped keep my head above water this week are "Monster" by Paramore, and "Blinding Light" by Switchfoot. "Monster" speaks about how someone's opinion of, and occasional accusations against you, can make it seem like the whole world is attacking constantly. I especially like the part of the chorus, which says, "I'll stop the whole world, I'll stop the whole world. From turning into a monster and eating us alive. Don't you ever wonder how we survive?" In my opinion, if you trust in God, you can have a more positive outlook even when the world seems to be trying to devour you so that you lose hope. "Blinding Light" has a very blunt opinion on how America functions. In the first verse it says, "We're the nation that eats our youth." I couldn't agree more because it seems like there is such a push for everyone to go to college, but once you graduate, employers won't hire you and you are left to drown in student loans.
All of this has brought me back to my faith in God. I've been trying to remember that He has a plan for all of us and we must be patient in order to discover the answer. I don't want to just be another human floating through society not knowing what to do. I want to have a purpose, but I cannot try to control my life. God is in control and I must give everything to Him so I don't dissolve in despair or spiral into a pit of anxiety and depression. To avoid this, I'll continue to meditate on Philippians 4:6, which says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." My hope is that you all will do the same when you run into roadblocks in life because they're inevitable.

W.A.I.T. Part 8: Fear of Man

According to Anxiety Disorders Association of America, there are 40 million adults in the United States dealing with anxiety disorders. People can have anxiety for all sorts of reasons, but my assumption is that social phobias and fear of the unknown are the top reasons behind most anxiety. I speak from experience because I am an introvert by nature and I have to force myself into certain situations that usually make me uncomfortable. Sometimes I try to focus on Proverbs 29:25 which states, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." I would rather not be hindered by my fear of man because it keeps me from enjoying life to the fullest and it gives me unnecessary stress.
For those of you who know me, you are probably aware of the occasional stress I feel under certain circumstances. One of my least favorite things involves talking on the phone. I'm not sure why I have this particular fear, but it exists in my life. What's humorous, though, is the fact that God keeps putting me in jobs or situations where I must talk on the phone. I had to call campgrounds to make reservations on my cross country roadtrip, I had to use the phone working at my summer campground job to verify reservations and boat counts, and I currently have to use the phone at my temp job, which has proved interesting with two incidents of a man making harassing phone calls. By submersing myself in these situations, my fear has slowly subsided because God has been with me the whole time. He presents a reminder in Isaiah 41:10 stating, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Knowing this, I try to dive into new situations even if I feel ill at ease. With music as another motivator, the song "Miracle" by Paramore has a line that says, "I don't want to run from anything uncomfortable..." This mentality has proved especially useful recently, and I'm thankful for that because the uneasy feeling in my heart has since subsided.
I think what many don't realize is how living in fear caters to Satan and his minions. Satan is a master at taking advantage of us during our weakest moments and infusing our minds with fear and doubt to further put a strain on our lives. I think in the song "A Dustland Fairytale," The Killers hit the nail on the head with the lines, "God gives us hope but we still fear what we don't know. Your mind is poisoned." This is exactly what the devil does; he poisons our minds with meaningless garbage in order to create stumbling blocks. This can hinder both our relationship with God, along with our ability to share the Gospel with those around us. By creating doubt in our mind, we question God's sovereignty and authority, which limits our ability to trust Him in times of need. Also, if we have an unnecessary fear of man, we will never reach out to them in order to determine if they have heard about Jesus Christ and the importance of building a relationship with Him. Instead of fretting over people and their opinions, focus on Jesus' words in Matthew 10:28, which tell us, "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One both soul and body in hell." It is only once you realize how this fear hinders your life that you can move towards change and a different framework of thinking.
No matter where you are in life, you are bound to be surrounded by people who don't like you for some reason or another. Most people would avoid contact with these people, but I think it would be beneficial to analyze the Parable of Weeds in Matthew 13:24-30. This parable says, "Jesus told them another parable: 'The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared. 'The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?' "'An enemy did this,’ he replied. "The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?' "'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.'" The weeds symbolize the unpleasant or evil people that Satan sprinkles into your life, and according to Jesus, it is actually better to live among them than avoid them. It builds character and patience when you spend time with people who you don't always agree with, or don't even really like. Some might actually be enemies who try to break you down, but if you trust God and don't live in fear, you can serve as an example to God's sovereignty in your life, which will glorify Him at the end of the day.
The bottom line is that in order to thrive in the Christian life, one must face their fears and realize that they are holding you back in the long run. We must allow God to be glorified through us by holding our ground in the midst of our foes. By trusting God, you will be able to hold your ground instead of running the other way. I think Dietrich Bonhoeffer said it best when he stated, ‎"Jesus Christ lived in the midst of his enemies. At the end all his disciples deserted him. On the Cross he was utterly alone, surrounded by evildoers and mockers. For this cause he had come, to bring peace to the enemies of God. So the Christian, too, belongs not in the seclusion of a cloistered life but in the thick of foes." It is our job in life to try our best to exemplify Christ in our actions in order to try and bring others closer to Him. If we live in constant fear, others will doubt the greatness of God. By embracing God's love, fear can diminish in your life so that you can thrive, for 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

W.A.I.T Part 7: Clouded Vision When Consumed by Self-Righteousness

"If God's the game you're playing

Well we must get more acquainted

Because it has to be so lonely

To be the only one who's holy.

It's just my humble opinion

But it's one that I believe in

You don't deserve a point of view

If the only thing you see is you."

~"Playing God" by Paramore

In today's society, it is too easy to get caught up in all the finger pointing and believing that we are right and everybody else is in the wrong. All you have to do is watch any political ad and you can see just how far we've fallen in our great nation to resort to slandering others in order to paint ourselves in a better light.  The unfortunate part is that this has crept into our everyday lives and we may not even realize it. 

Too often we focus too much on the preachings and teachings of Jesus and forget that he lived his life with a great love for the people. When we are centralized on all that Jesus taught instead of on how he lived, we gain this "holier than thou" attitude that can get us into trouble. A perfect Scriptural example of this is Matthew 7:3-5, where Jesus says, "'Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.'" We are very apt to believe that we have done no wrong in a situation, placing the blame on someone else, when realistically, both are at fault and should take notice of personal fault before pointing fingers. It is then important to meditate on Romans 3:23, which serves as a reminder saying, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." 

We need to remind ourselves that we are not fit for the throne of God, so we must not act like it when dealing with our peers. When we begin to focus too much on the legalism of Christianity, that is when you become prone to pointing out all the wrong others around you are doing. This is much like the Pharisees who lived during Jesus' time. They were so blinded by the laws everyone had to keep and had a trumped up view of their own goodness based upon the amount of theological knowledge they possessed that they could not see their Savior when He stood right in front of them. How easily it is to lose focus on the purpose of Jesus when we focus inwardly on the knowledge we gain about His teachings and what He expects of His followers. Even the great theologian, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, fell prey to this line of thinking early on, and even felt devoid of even being a Christian yet because his vision was so clouded. There is a quote in his biography Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy by Eric Metaxas, that states the following: "For the first time I discovered the Bible...I had often preached. I had seen a great deal of the Church, and talked and preached about it - but I had not yet become a Christian...I know that at that time I turned the doctrine of Jesus Christ into something of personal advantage for myself...I pray to God that that will never happen again." It is scary to think that even Bonhoeffer could be so internally focused on his own knowledge, with a doctorate in theology no less, that he felt that he was not a Christian because he lost focus on Christ's true purpose.

What we need to turn our focus towards is the fact that God is love and that the one strict command we must follow is to love one another. If we are caught up in condemning each other for supposed wrong actions, we forget to love the people around us. Life is not supposed to be lived out by pointing out everybody's flaws and mistakes. Instead, we are called to embrace one another. 1 John 4:7-21 describes this beautifully: "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister." (emphasis mine)

My wish is that more and more we will remember to love those around us. It won't always be easy because of past hurts, but God commands us to stick with one another until the very end. If we can't do that, then there is no possible way to thrive as a Christian in this dark world. 

I'm leaving you with a lyric from a song that I discovered last week, and I don't believe it was a coincidence. I played it numerous times yesterday to ingrain the concept into my brain. The song is entitled "Dark Design" and is performed by the band Among Savages. The piece that struck me and that I now hold dear to my heart is, "I would rather live with you as my friend, than someone that I was trying to condemn." 

W.A.I.T. Part 5: Forget the Past

And I won't look back 'cause there's no use. Its time to move forward.

"Feeling Sorry" Paramore

I think that Paramore is onto something by talking about the need to focus on what's ahead, not what's behind. Too often we are apt to get caught up in the mistakes of the past, which leave us at a standstill emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Replaying the past can't change it, and it only hinders your present and possibly your future. Learning to let go is one of the most important lessons that we can learn.
Isaiah 43:18 tells us, "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." This ancient prophet knew how important it was to focus on the future. During this time, it was more important to look forward to the coming of Christ instead of looking back on the stringent Commandments that Moses brought forth. There is hope in Christ, while the law seems to carry a burden.
In the world of running, nobody says it better than Frank Shorter. One of his famous quotes is, "You have to forget your last marathon before you try another. Your mind can't know what's coming." This quote rings true in my life. Back in May, I started my third marathon, which was the second one that I finished. It was of utmost importance for me to forget my last marathoning experience, which had taken place in November of 2007. It was a freezing cold day in Harrisburg and I started the race too fast and had ingested too many fluids. By mile 18, I was feeling sick to my stomach and began to walk, but that only made my legs hurt even more. I ended up dropping out at mile 22 feeling like I had failed. I remained discouraged for many months as I kept questioning whether or not I could have indeed completed the race. Eventually I let the whole experience go from my mind and gained enough courage to train and start another marathon. I faced my fair share of struggles during that race, but because I was not focused on my past failure, I was able to cross the finish line.
In the same sense, we must take this approach in all aspects of our lives. We can't dwell on what we did wrong during school, job interviews, relationships, or friendships. If we continue to replay the past, we'll never be able to grow in the future. It's too easy to miss out on some of the blessings of today by cluttering our minds with yesterday. Nothing can be changed accept how we approach each new day. Instead of being self-centered and moping about how awful certain aspects of life have been, focus on what you can do to promote Christ and live in a way pleasing to Him. This is the main focus of Philippians 3:13-14 ~ "Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
A sure way to nurture a spiritual environment in which one can thrive is to have one free of past clutter. It's okay to maintain memories of the past as long as they aren't hurting your future. Don't hoard negative thoughts within your brain or else you might miss out on the bright future that the Lord has planned out for you.