When Life Gives You Lemons...Learn How to Juggle

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

Anybody close me knows that the past three weeks have been a little hectic and haven't exactly gone as planned. It has been a time that has served as a reminder that God is in charge of my life and instead of throwing a "woe is me" pity party, it's best just to laugh and move on when things don't pan out. The stories that I'm about to share all happened before I was motivated to write this, but after reading some posts by Elizabeth Griffin that are part of her series, The Dirty Gospel, I felt that I should pass on some of my recent experiences and how they've taught me to always turn to God and trust that He has my best interests in mind, even if I end up in some uncomfortable situations. 

For two weeks leading up to my September 29th departure for Colorado I had been planning what exactly to pack, how to arrange it, which route to drive, and hoping that a friend of mine would be able to accompany me. Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts, I'd be driving solo on my cross country roadtrip, but I didn't let that get me down. The night before my departure, I was at a wedding for a friend's mom. My friend's family is from the Dominican Republic, so Spanish is predominantly what is spoken at any sort of family get together, including this wedding. I was enjoying myself up until the moment I realized that I couldn't find my car key. This was kind of a big deal for a handful of reasons. For starters, it's the only key to my car. On top of that, all of my belongings to go to Colorado were locked in my car, and I was supposed to be departing in less than 12 hours from when this occurred. I recruited my friend's brother-inlaw to help spread the word to look for my key and was desperately trying not to panic. We retraced my steps, and I asked a few people if they'd seen my key on a table, which is hard when you're not quite sure if they understand English. I finally ventured back to my table and was looking underneath the table when my friend's grandma began speaking to me in Spanish and making hand gestures like somebody had taken my key. I went to find Juan to serve as translator and we finally figured out that someone had picked up the key thinking it was their niece's, so Juan went and found this person and got my key back. I was very thankful to have it back after all of the confusion, and my blood pressure was finally returning to normal after my bout of anxiety. It was after this situation that I was reminded that God is in charge of each part of my life, even little tense moments like finding a lost key. No amount of planning for my trip could have prepared me for that situation, so again, I needed to remember to have faith in God in the forefront of my mind as I began my travels west to Colorado. It was at that point that I made an effort to fixate on Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths," and I even signed the majority of the Bibles with that verse while volunteering with Samaritan's Purse to serve as a reminder to the homeowner and myself that God is in charge of every aspect of our lives, even if it doesn't seem like it at times.

Fast forward fifteen days and I found myself sitting in my car on the shoulder of Interstate 80 by mile marker 117 in Illinois. I had just gotten pulled over, and I was really hoping that I wasn't going to get a speeding ticket for my 70 in a 65. The trooper kindly knocked on my window and explained that I was being given a warning for "improper lane usage" and asked me if I minded coming back to his patrol car to sign the warning. Since I had nothing to hide and really didn't mind, I got out and wander back to his vehicle and sat in the front passenger seat. The trooper called in his location and asked me where I was coming from. I explained that I had been volunteering with Samaritan's Purse in Colorado helping to mud out homes and spray a disinfectant for mold. While sharing this, I did notice another cop car across from on the median, but thought nothing of it. The trooper then asked me about the cross I had in the back window of my car before asking me if I thought he was being mean because I was acting nervous. That caught me by surprise because I had felt a sense of relief when he said I wasn't getting a ticket. In my mind, I was thinking, "Well, gee officer, I'm sitting in the front seat of your patrol car, which isn't an everyday occurrence, so of course I'm nervous." What I actually said was that I was just concerned with going in the proper direction towards Michigan to visit relatives. He asked where I'd started my drive and I said Iowa, again thinking this was normal questioning to be thorough. The trooper then asked if it was okay that he check the VIN number on my car to make sure it matched the registration, so I told him to go right ahead. I sat there wondering why he thought I was acting nervous, and had that answered once the trooper came back into the vehicle. He asked me if I had been checking my mirrors for him to be following me and I said I had. That's just what I do when I see a cop pull out because I'm not sure if they're coming for me or someone out and regardless, I don't want a ticket. That was the precursor to the troopers bombshell: this is a big drug area and you're acting a bit jittery, so do you mind if I ask you a few questions? I laugh about it now, but at the time I was thinking, are you serious? I then faced a line of questions starting with how I felt about medical marijuana, which led into asking if I had heroin, cocaine, amphetamines, weapons, or large amounts of cash in my car. The trooper then said I seemed to have a lot of stuff in my car for an 11 day visit to Colorado, and in my naivety, I mentioned how I was going to Kentucky and North Carolina after visiting Michigan. I am one to just be up front and honest about my life, but in hindsight, if I were a drug runner, this would make it sound like I was spreading my product around. The trooper then asked me if it was okay to search the vehicle and I told him if he felt that was necessary that he could go right ahead. There were two funny parts as I got out of my car. First, I realized that a second cop car was actually sitting behind us, and the trooper took interest in my "runner girl" magnet and proceeded to discuss the Chicago marathon with me as he went to search my car. To me, that demonstrated the paradox of this entire situation; he was serious about ensuring I wasn't a drug mule, but he truly was a compassionate man interested in my life, including my running and volunteer work. Heck, he even thanked me for my time in Colorado before he asked me how I could afford to go out there and how I felt about medical marijuana. I share this story not to criticize cops because I believe it is important for them to do their job and keep us safe from illegal drugs. I mention it more for the reminder that life has unexpected pitstops which can catch us completely off guard an might seem totally ridiculous. Even so, I know God had me pulled over for a reason, even though I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it was to test my ability to remain honest under pressure, which technically put me in a hole because I freely admitted I was traveling from a state where medical marijuana is legal. But that's besides the point. Nobody likes to feel like they are about to get in trouble, even if they know they're innocent, and I think our sin nature has that reflex of wanting to lie, even when we know honesty is the best policy. Either God wanted to make sure I'd be completely honest about my travels, or He was protecting me from something down the road. No matter what, it sure makes for a great story.

The last of my three stories taught me about slothfulness. The other day a friend asked me to run with her to help her achieve a new distance goal. I was all about assisting and was feeling great until mile 2. That was when all of my previous running injuries decided to come back with a vengeance. My IT band issues flared up to the point I felt like I was being stabbed and my hip joints ached and were forcing me to change my gait. Definitely not something that felt at all pleasant, and on top of that, I was the reason we had to start walking. It was a big wake up call to my sheer laziness since July, which was the last time I really put any effort into running. Proverbs 13:4 states, "The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied." Sure I might have spent time craving to get back into running, but without getting myself out that door, I saw no results, and when I did, all I saw was injury. I've always had a love/hate relationship with running where I love to do races, but hate to actually train for them. This little setback taught me that I needed to be diligent in my training in the future if I was going to enjoy running without pain. Part of me wanted to sulk after this occurred, while another part of me was embarrassed since I'm known as a runner. I know Satan likes to get inside my head and desires to infuse my brain with a defeatist mentality, but I stopped short of throwing that pity party. Actually, what helped was thinking of my adopted nephew and how I always tell him to get over himself when he cries and then I threaten to club him like a baby seal* (yes, I believe in tough love and have an odd sense of humor). 

This morning, I truly realized that I needed to get over myself and just acknowledge the fact that I've been lazy and I can work past this if I do just that: work. I needed this wake up call and this third lemon in as many weeks, but I've honestly learned from each experience that God has thrown at me. I've learned that even with plans, one cannot foresee particular circumstances that unwittingly pop up. I've also been reminded that everything, good and bad, happens for a reason to build me up for the future, and that getting anxious about any mishaps won't get me anywhere. And lastly, I know that with a little hard work and preparing my legs for the impact of running, I can redeem my running career by October 26th so that I enjoy running the 2nd annual Run Your Booty Off 5K in Morehead City....dressed as a penguin. Just remember, life isn't about being perfect, it's sometimes about going with the flow and learning how to juggle unexpected situations and circumstances. So pay attention and be aware of the fact that God is trying to teach you something new everyday, and it's best to remain teachable.

This shirt has taught me to not take running so seriously...or myself for that matter

*There were no baby seals harmed in the typing of this blog post

Beautiful Letdown

It was a beautiful let down
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt

Switchfoot

Simply put, this week has not been what I was hoping it would be for numerous reasons that I'd rather not dive into at the moment. In the words of Switchfoot, it's seemed like a beautiful letdown. There have been some situations that have caused me to feel utter frustration and despair, but my goal is to try and not make hasty decisions as I process my current reality and grapple with what could be my future reality. Ephesians 4:26, "In your anger do not sin..." seems to be in the forefront of my mind in the hopes of not lashing out at an unassuming passerby.
I've started running again in the hopes that I can get some endorphines running through my body in to try and lift my mood. The only issue with that is the fact that after so much time off, it's really hard to build that base again. Every runner wants to be able to jump right back into the sport with ease and be able to feel like they are in tip top shape, but that just isn't the case. Starting to run again after taking around 9 months off can almost be demoralizing, which isn't exactly a feeling I need to have coupled with my other frustrations. Thankfully I'm determined to get back in shape and am refusing to let those defeatists thoughts win.
In a way, it brings me back to how I felt during mile 17 of my marathon back in Delaware. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and questioning whether or not I could complete the race, but God was there to help me to the finish line. A song I listened to on the way to the race was "Unbreakable" by Fireflight, which is something that I listened to on my way to work today. The lyrics that really spoke to me were the following: "Sometimes it's hard to just keep going. But faith is moving without knowing. Can I trust what I can't see? To reach my destiny. I want to take control but I know better." Back during the marathon, it helped me to keep working towards that finish line. Now, it's my motivation to not give up, even when the world seems against me.
At this point in time, I'm very thankful for the blessing of music. There are numerous songs which seem to speak to how I feel in my current predicament. Along with "Unbreakable," two other songs that have helped keep my head above water this week are "Monster" by Paramore, and "Blinding Light" by Switchfoot. "Monster" speaks about how someone's opinion of, and occasional accusations against you, can make it seem like the whole world is attacking constantly. I especially like the part of the chorus, which says, "I'll stop the whole world, I'll stop the whole world. From turning into a monster and eating us alive. Don't you ever wonder how we survive?" In my opinion, if you trust in God, you can have a more positive outlook even when the world seems to be trying to devour you so that you lose hope. "Blinding Light" has a very blunt opinion on how America functions. In the first verse it says, "We're the nation that eats our youth." I couldn't agree more because it seems like there is such a push for everyone to go to college, but once you graduate, employers won't hire you and you are left to drown in student loans.
All of this has brought me back to my faith in God. I've been trying to remember that He has a plan for all of us and we must be patient in order to discover the answer. I don't want to just be another human floating through society not knowing what to do. I want to have a purpose, but I cannot try to control my life. God is in control and I must give everything to Him so I don't dissolve in despair or spiral into a pit of anxiety and depression. To avoid this, I'll continue to meditate on Philippians 4:6, which says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." My hope is that you all will do the same when you run into roadblocks in life because they're inevitable.

W.A.I.T. Part 8: Fear of Man

According to Anxiety Disorders Association of America, there are 40 million adults in the United States dealing with anxiety disorders. People can have anxiety for all sorts of reasons, but my assumption is that social phobias and fear of the unknown are the top reasons behind most anxiety. I speak from experience because I am an introvert by nature and I have to force myself into certain situations that usually make me uncomfortable. Sometimes I try to focus on Proverbs 29:25 which states, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." I would rather not be hindered by my fear of man because it keeps me from enjoying life to the fullest and it gives me unnecessary stress.
For those of you who know me, you are probably aware of the occasional stress I feel under certain circumstances. One of my least favorite things involves talking on the phone. I'm not sure why I have this particular fear, but it exists in my life. What's humorous, though, is the fact that God keeps putting me in jobs or situations where I must talk on the phone. I had to call campgrounds to make reservations on my cross country roadtrip, I had to use the phone working at my summer campground job to verify reservations and boat counts, and I currently have to use the phone at my temp job, which has proved interesting with two incidents of a man making harassing phone calls. By submersing myself in these situations, my fear has slowly subsided because God has been with me the whole time. He presents a reminder in Isaiah 41:10 stating, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Knowing this, I try to dive into new situations even if I feel ill at ease. With music as another motivator, the song "Miracle" by Paramore has a line that says, "I don't want to run from anything uncomfortable..." This mentality has proved especially useful recently, and I'm thankful for that because the uneasy feeling in my heart has since subsided.
I think what many don't realize is how living in fear caters to Satan and his minions. Satan is a master at taking advantage of us during our weakest moments and infusing our minds with fear and doubt to further put a strain on our lives. I think in the song "A Dustland Fairytale," The Killers hit the nail on the head with the lines, "God gives us hope but we still fear what we don't know. Your mind is poisoned." This is exactly what the devil does; he poisons our minds with meaningless garbage in order to create stumbling blocks. This can hinder both our relationship with God, along with our ability to share the Gospel with those around us. By creating doubt in our mind, we question God's sovereignty and authority, which limits our ability to trust Him in times of need. Also, if we have an unnecessary fear of man, we will never reach out to them in order to determine if they have heard about Jesus Christ and the importance of building a relationship with Him. Instead of fretting over people and their opinions, focus on Jesus' words in Matthew 10:28, which tell us, "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One both soul and body in hell." It is only once you realize how this fear hinders your life that you can move towards change and a different framework of thinking.
No matter where you are in life, you are bound to be surrounded by people who don't like you for some reason or another. Most people would avoid contact with these people, but I think it would be beneficial to analyze the Parable of Weeds in Matthew 13:24-30. This parable says, "Jesus told them another parable: 'The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared. 'The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?' "'An enemy did this,’ he replied. "The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?' "'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.'" The weeds symbolize the unpleasant or evil people that Satan sprinkles into your life, and according to Jesus, it is actually better to live among them than avoid them. It builds character and patience when you spend time with people who you don't always agree with, or don't even really like. Some might actually be enemies who try to break you down, but if you trust God and don't live in fear, you can serve as an example to God's sovereignty in your life, which will glorify Him at the end of the day.
The bottom line is that in order to thrive in the Christian life, one must face their fears and realize that they are holding you back in the long run. We must allow God to be glorified through us by holding our ground in the midst of our foes. By trusting God, you will be able to hold your ground instead of running the other way. I think Dietrich Bonhoeffer said it best when he stated, ‎"Jesus Christ lived in the midst of his enemies. At the end all his disciples deserted him. On the Cross he was utterly alone, surrounded by evildoers and mockers. For this cause he had come, to bring peace to the enemies of God. So the Christian, too, belongs not in the seclusion of a cloistered life but in the thick of foes." It is our job in life to try our best to exemplify Christ in our actions in order to try and bring others closer to Him. If we live in constant fear, others will doubt the greatness of God. By embracing God's love, fear can diminish in your life so that you can thrive, for 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Analysis: How I Relate to Switchfoot's New Album Vice Verses

“I can't just shut it up and fake that I'm alright.”           

“Cause everyday the world is made. A chance to change but I feel the same. And I wonder why would I wait till I die to come alive? I'm ready now.”

~Afterlife

There is no use pretending that you are fine. You are merely lying to yourself and to everyone around you. The best change you can possibly make is to center your life around Christ in order to become truly alive.

“Speak your mind up. Come on baby free yourself.”

“Free yourself; don't let nobody try and take your soul. You're the original.”

“So you say you're just a lost soul; I know you better than that.”

“So you say you're just a face in city race wasted and sick of it all.”

~The Original

When possible and when you gain the courage, always speak your mind. Don't let anybody suppress your feelings or opinions. We all feel lost at times, but with God on our side, everything will be alright. He knows what is on your heart at all times. Also, methodical living can always get you down, but your goal is to keep looking up.

“Breathe out let your mind unwind. Eyes on the ceiling, looking for the feeling.”

“Yeah, it's where the fight begins. Yeah, underneath the skin between these hopes and where we've been. Every fight comes from the fight within. I am the war inside.”

“I am the war I fight.”

“Ain't no killer like pride. No killer like I. No killer like what's inside.”

~The War Inside

We are all fighting an internal battle against demons. We get infused with lies that we can begin to believe if we don't ask for the strength of the Holy Spirit. The biggest killer is our pride because it drives us to convince ourselves that we are the most important things on this planet, so we must guard ourselves in order to prevent it from being a destructive killer.

“I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore; I’m looking for you. I am the one that you left behind, I am the thorn stuck in your side. I am the bored and clouded eyes looking for the well that won’t run dry. Running hard for the other side, the world that I’ve always been denied. Running hard for the infinite with the tears of the saints and hypocrites.”

~Restless

We all get restless here on Earth searching for more meaning to our lives. It is best to always run towards God and strive to know more about His character. Best to run from the worldly in search of Christ. The stronger the desire, the more tears shed if we are denied the other side.

“Hey girl, don't conform now. No one else's got soul like you. Hey girl, you're a strong one, but none of us are bulletproof.”

“Deep down there's a hope inside. You got wings but you're scared to fly. Wake up, wake up.”

“Still looking for the reason why. Still looking for the sun to shine.”

“All my life I've been living in the darkest night.”

“Deep down there's a hope inside brighter than the fears in my mind. I keep looking for the blinding light. It's a hope that keeps me alive.”

~Blinding Light
Our human nature desires to fit in, but as Christian's, we are called to be different. We are urged not to conform because we are all uniquely and wonderfully made. Fear also overwhelms us whenever change is inevitable. We need to spread our wings and be brave enough to fly instead of remaining grounded due to doubts in our mind. God's love is that blinding light that can ease the fears in our minds and bring hope for a brighter tomorrow.

“See, opinions are easier to swallow than facts. The greys instead of the whites and the blacks. If you shoot it too straight it won't come back.”

“I wanna believe you, I wanna believe, but everything is in-between. The fact is fiction. Suspicion is the new religion.”

~Selling the News
Satan has injected doubt into this age of technology. The ability to believe based sheerly on our heart's desire has been greatly impacted in this know-it-all generation. This mounting doubt has created a cloud of suspicion over almost every aspect of life.

“Been fighting things that I can't see like voices coming from the inside of me. Like doing things I find hard to believe in. Am I myself or am I dreaming?”

“No, I'm not alright. I know that I'm not right.”

“A warm body doesn't mean I'm alive.”

“Feel like I travel but I never arrive. I wanna thrive not just survive.”

“I try and hide it and not let it show, but deep down inside me I just don't know. Am I a man if I feel like a hoax?”

~Thrive
The voices inside us are derived from our sinful nature. It is hard to ignore them, which can lead us into a situation that we don't desire to be in and don't agree with. Sinful nature covers us like a cloud, which makes it hard to determine who we are and what we are doing. We are unaware of what's reality. It is also natural to question the strength of your faith and whether you truly believe or are just living out the lie of a hypocrite. We aren't truly living until we are living with Christ.

“I've made my mistakes, I've seen my heart cave in. I got my scars I've been to hell and back again. Born for the blue skies, we’ll survive the rain. Born for the sunrise, we’ll survive the pain.”

“Hey, you can’t count us out. We’ve been running up against the crowd. Yeah, we are the dark horses.”

~Dark Horses
We are all running against the crowd and we must continue to do so in order to please God. No matter what pain crushes your heart, it is best to remain in God's favor instead of striving to please other sinful humans who cannot bring us any true satisfaction in life.

“Here’s to the twilight. Here’s to the memories. These are my souvenirs; my mental pictures of everything.”

“So I close my eyes and go back in time. I can see you smiling, you’re so alive.”

“We were so young, we had no idea that nothing lasts forever.”

~Souvenirs
Life always runs astray. We can desperately try to catch up and maintain control, or we can let it go and ask God what path He desires for your life. You will always have your memories of happy times, but don't let the past prevent you from enjoying the present. Circumstances and people change and nothing lasts forever, so stop trying to prevent the change.


"I don't care what they're telling me. We could be what we want to be. Rise above it."
"Just because you're running doesn't mean that you're scared. Just because it's law doesn't mean it is fair. Never let another tell your soul what to fear."
~Rise Above It
Always follow your own heart and don't let anybody keep you from being who you want to be. It is better to take the high road than to argue with people's assumptions about your life. By running, one may just be looking for a new beginning and isn't actually scared of the circumstances. There's also the old adage that life isn't fair and we can't depend on any law on Earth to bring us peace of mind. Always look to God for guidance and not your peers. God knows your heart and what you truly fear. Everybody else can just make assumptions about your deepest fears, and few will truly care about them or help you face them.

“Looking for signs in the night sky, wishing that I wasn’t such a nice guy. Wonder what it means to live forever? Wonder what it means to die?”

“I know that there's a meaning to it all. A little resurrection every time I fall.”

“Every blessing comes with a set of curses.”

“The wind could be my new obsession. The wind could be my new depression. The wind goes anywhere it wants to, wishing that I learned my lesson.”

“Where are you in my broken heart? Everything seems to fall apart.”

~Vice Verses
After awhile, some begin to realize that the sinner seems to have it easier than the believer. This causes us to wish that we weren't so nice and caring in order to avoid pain. It is natural to desire to live forever and be scared of death while constantly questioning its meaning. We are all well aware that God has a purpose behind everything and we yearn for life's meaning. Life is full of blessings, but hardships tend to accompany them. Our souls desire to be free like the wind, which can consume us in obsession, though we might become depressed when we realize that we cannot let our soul go everywhere it is drawn. When we encounter numerous hardships and our heart breaks constantly, leading to our world to fall apart, we begin to question God's existence and whether He is aware of our pain. We must trust that He is there even when our world is caving in.

“Still looking for a home in a world where I belong. Feels like we're just waiting, waiting while our hearts are just breaking, breaking. Feels like we're fighting against the tide.”

“On the final day I die I want to hold my head up high. I want to tell You that I tried.”

“And when I reach the other side I want to look You in the eye and know that I've arrived in a world where I belong.”

~Where I Belong
On Earth, we hardly ever feel like we belong. Constantly, we feel lost and broken because we look for happiness in all of the wrong places. God desires for us to call on Him, but we fight against the tide because we convince ourselves that we can do it on our own. Eventually, we'll all realize how much we need God and we will desire to try and live in a way to please Him. Our end goal should be heaven, which is the only place where we will feel like we belong.

Melodic Sequence Leading to a Crescendo of Hope

“The wolf has found a way to lead this foolish flock of sheep astray. And the clouds make fearful noises and slowly turn black and shake. The darkness comes around you. The dark has come to take. And it will cut the life right from you and leave you standing in the rain with nowhere left to run to, and no one left to love you but the pain. Wake up you faithless; see your heartbreak gone. It’s no use trying to hold on.”

~Wake Up (Shipwreck) by The Classic Crime

“Don't know where to begin. It's like my world's caving in and I try but I can't control my fear. Where do I go from here?”

~Let the Waters Rise by MIKESCHAIR

“Right now I’m a total mess and right now I’m completely incomplete.”

~Change in the Making by Addison Road

“You’re best friends with the word regret. You’re afraid that your life's been wasted, so why hope if it's only gonna let you down? You don't think people really change; you’re a mess and you'll always be the same. And you doubt if you'll ever get it turned around.”

~Come Home by Luminate

“Still wondering why I’m here. Still wrestling with my fear.”

~Wait and See by Brandon Heath

“Days will come when you don't have the strength, and all you hear is you're not worth anything. Wondering if you ever could be loved and if they truly saw your heart they'd see so much.”

~Beautiful by MercyMe

“She says, ‘How did I get here? I'm not who I once was. And I'm crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love.’"

~You are More by Tenth Avenue North

“Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare. You saw it comin' but it hit you outta nowhere. And there’s always scars when you fall back far.”

~Get Back Up by tobyMac

“I know that my faults bring me down, it's a constant battle. That's why I have to be honest with you now... I'm not your saint, I'm not your savior.”

~Just a Man by The Classic Crime

“I want to run away I want to ditch my life cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night.”

~I So Hate Consequences by Relient K

“Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it;
 prone to leave the God I love;
” 

~Come Thou Font

“Give me wings, give me peace. These are the things that I need. I'm tormented, broken and shamed. Are you listening? (Are you listening)?”

~Salt in the Snow by The Classic Crime

“Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?

If there’s a God who loves you where is He now?”

~Before the Morning by Josh Wilson

“When friends betray us
, when darkness seems to win
. We know the pain reminds this heart
 that this is not, this is not our home.”

~Blessings by Laura Story

“The walls are closing in. You feel alone, you feel afraid. Your heart begins to bend. You take a breath and then it starts to break.”

~Pray You Through by Sixteen Cities

“Letting it all sink in, it's good to feel a sting now and again. I hope it's one less woeful thing there is to fight through.”

~Therapy by Relient K

“Lost on a street, everyone has vanished and you're all alone, but you don't know where to go. Yeah you're all alone and you want to go home.”

~Run by Addison Road

“I took you for granted again. And threw you aside and pretended for one minute that I had control of my life, and direction it seemed to be in.”

~Salt in the Snow by The Classic Crime

“Maybe there are things you can’t see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending.”

~Before the Morning by Josh Wilson

“When there's nowhere else to turn, all your bridges have been burned. Feels like you've hit rock bottom. Don't give up it's not the end. Open up your heart again when you feel like no one understands where you are.”

~Me and Jesus by Stellar Kart

“Sometimes its so hard to pray when You feel so far away. But I am willing to go where you want me to; God, I trust You.”

~Let the Waters Rise by MIKESCHAIR

“We lose our way, we get back up again. It's never too late to get back up again. One day you will shine again; you may be knocked down, but not out forever.”

~Get Back Up by tobyMac

“Well maybe, maybe that’s the point
; to reach the point of giving up
. ‘Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom. 
Well that’s when I start looking up
 and reaching out.”

~Strong Enough by Matthew West

“Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that I'm not just some wandering soul that you don't see and you don't know. Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I am someone worth dying for.”

~Someone Worth Dying For by MIKESCHAIR

“So hold on you gotta wait for the light. Press on and just fight the good fight. Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling, it’s just the dark before the morning.”

~Before the Morning by Josh Wilson

“You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create. You've been remade.”

~You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

“I know I’m not strong enough to be
 everything that I’m supposed to be. 
I give up, I’m not strong enough
. Hands of mercy won’t You cover me? 
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be 
strong enough. Strong enough
 for the both of us.”

~Strong Enough by Matthew West

“It's time for healing time to move on. It's time to fix what's been broken too long. Time to make right what has been wrong. It's time to find my way to where I belong. There's a wave that's crashing over me and all I can do is surrender. Whatever You're doing inside of me it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something Heavenly.”

~Whatever You’re Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real

“Open up your eyes, awake, arise. Love like a hand reaches down and pulls us up from the dirty ground. Now is the time to step from the dark into the light, cause you can’t change what you’ve done. But you can choose who you’ll become. Every moment is a second chance at starting over, at starting over. Move from the past to the present tense. You can start over, start over again.”

~Start Over Again by Addison Road

“You can come as you are with all your broken pieces, and all your shameful scars. The pain you hold in your heart, bring it all to Jesus. You can come as you are.”

~Come As You Are by Pocket Full of Rocks

“And I will rise when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain. I will rise on eagles' wings before my God fall on my knees.”

~I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

“There is hope for me yet because God won’t forget all the plans he’s made for me.”

~Wait and See by Brandon Heath

“You opened my eyes to your wonders anew. You captured my heart with this love because nothing on Earth is as beautiful as you.”

~Beautiful One by Jeremy Camp

“I hear You calling me and I’ll come running. Oh, I’m falling into love and nothing will stop it. Oh, I hear You calling me and I’ll come running to You, to You, to You.”

~Heaven and Earth by Phil Wickham

“It's all because of Jesus I'm alive. 
It's all because the blood of Jesus Christ 
that cover's me and raised this dead man's life. 
It's all because of Jesus I'm alive.”

~All Because of Jesus by Fee

Fading Like the Mist

If you have ever found yourself at a rustic cabin overlooking a lake in a river valley, chances are you have seen mist hovering above the surface of the earth. This built-up condensation comes in the night due to temperature change and eventually dissipates into the air over time. One can try to sit and watch the entire dissipation process, but if any distractions pop up on your radar, the likelihood of watching this process quickly diminishes like the mist.
Life has many distractions. We are all constantly juggling busy schedules, time with family, and social events. The problem is when we get tunnel-vision and allow these distractions to impact certain opportunities or relationships. It is far too easy to get caught up in our own little worlds and allow portions of our lives that were once important to drift away.
In some individuals who have experienced the negative impact of too many distractions in people's lives, a fear of being forgotten develops within the soul. In the message at Saucon Community Bible Fellowship Church on Sunday, the pastor spoke on this topic as it relates to Paul when he was imprisoned in Rome. In Acts 24, Paul goes on trial before Felix and expresses his innocence. Because Felix was acquainted with the philosophies of Christianity, when he sent Paul back to his cell in prison, "He ordered the centurion to keep Paul under guard but to give him freedom and to permit his friends to take care of his needs." (Acts 24:23). After a few days, Felix then went with his wife to see Paul and listen to him speak about faith in Jesus. Because Felix came to listen to Paul teach, it probably gave Paul a sense of hope that he was changing this man's heart towards following Christ, which would help Paul's case. Unfortunately for Paul, Felix grew scared once the topics of righteousness, self-control, and future judgement came up and requested that Paul be sent away. Instead of focusing on Paul's teachings about Christ, Felix was more focused on pleasing the Jews and saving his own reputation. He constantly sent for Paul so that they could speak, but the desire within his heart was that Paul would offer him a bribe to make his decision easier. In the end, Felix chose to forget about Paul and let him fade from his memory because he would rather do a favor to the Jews and leave Paul in prison.
A similar story about being forgotten can be found in Genesis 40. The setting was Pharaoh's prison, which was where Joseph was being kept. Two men who worked for Pharaoh offended him and were quickly imprisoned and placed with Joseph. Both men began having dreams, but had nobody to interpret them. Joseph offered to interpret the dream of the cupbearer, and explained how he believed "Within three days Pharaoh will lift up your head and restore you to your position" (Genesis 40:13). Upon giving his interpretation of the cupbearer's dream, Joseph made one simple request. In Genesis 40:14, Joseph says, "But when all goes well with you, remember me and show me kindness; mention me to Pharaoh and get me out of this prison." On the third day, we come to find that Joseph was correct in his interpretation of the cupbearer's dream and he is soon restored by Pharaoh. But because the cupbearer was selfishly consumed by his own happiness and good fortune, we find in Genesis 40:23 that, "The chief cupbearer, however, did not remember Joseph; he forgot him."
These stories in the Bible are good references to how people who help others out can so easily be forgotten by those they have assisted because these people become distracted by their own selfish desires. From this, we must learn that we cannot control people or circumstances; we cannot know what is within another's heart, or how they truly feel. This becomes very apparent when analyzing Jeremiah 17:9, which states, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" When you feel that there has been an injustice against you, instead of being tempted to say, "I don't deserve this," or feeling compelled to retaliate, or desiring to fight for control in your situation, pray to the Lord first. Psalm 34:17-19 says, "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all." The Lord is in fact the one who has control over all things in your life and knows what experiences and hardships will help benefit your growth spiritually and emotionally. We should always pour our hearts out to the Lord, though he knows all of your joy, pain, and suffering even before the words leave your lips. He knows why you have fears and insecurities, but not until you personally request the Lord's help can He begin to guide you in the correct direction.
One fear that we all hold in our hearts is that we will be forgotten. Try to learn from the experiences of Paul and Joseph in order to avoid creating a situation where you are so engrossed in your own desires that you allow an opportunity or relationship to fade like the mist. And if you ever find yourself in the role of that fading mist in someone's life, cry out to the Lord in the hopes of being restored before you drift off and fade to a mere memory in that person's life.

Alone in a Faraway Land

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be in a foreign country with hardly a soul who speaks in a tongue you understand? Ever wonder how you will convey your thoughts to those around you with the small bits of vocabulary and grammar you possess of the language in the country you are visiting? Currently, this happens to be my reality as I am in Germany with my brother visiting relatives from my Dad's side of the family for the next 10 days.
So far it has been quite an experience, but difficulties have presented themselves. For one, my German is nicht so gut (not very good). Then, of course, my brother is not only male, but a Muth male, making him a man of few, if any words at times, and those words are most likely in German as well. I love him dearly, but this makes life difficult for me when I tend to enjoy conversation and banter throughout my day. There is a chance he will read this or StumbleUpon this blog, so I apologize to you, Nick, but I am just trying to lay out facts, not criticism.
I'm sure God is greatly amused by my little predicament. It's almost like He is saying, "Hey, Kayla. Stop trying to rely on others or yourself so much and talk to Me." Maybe He is also trying to see if I will drive myself crazy talking to myself over the next 10 days. Anything is certainly possible, but it is a challenge I am willing to meet head on. I refuse to worry about what I might do because that is not how I am meant to spend my time whilst 3000 some odd miles from home. Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore, don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I can certainly relate to this because each day boasts its own new, unique challenges. These challenges range from eating what Oma cooks in order to help re-enforce the fact that I do actually like her cooking, navigating the streets of Frankfurt after the Women's World Cup Final, to trying to exchange currency. I also know my future will certainly have plenty because I am currently jobless and practically everybody I know is talking about wanting a change of scenery or location in life and these are just situations God will help guide me through and accept.
As much as I feel I can conquer each challenge, I still feel relatively alone in the matter. As I said earlier, Nick isn't one for socializing currently, and the rest of the family knows maybe 20 English words, tops. Which leaves me myself and God to talk to for the majority of this foreign excursion. Thankfully, I know and trust that God is always there to listen, especially in my frustration. The Holy Spirit is housed within me; even if I don't see it, I know it is there. Hebrews 11:1 states, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Just because we don't see God on a daily basis doesn't mean He isn't there. He has been with me every step of the way so far, that's for sure. He has kept me from being my usual, overthinking self, which is a blessing because I surely would have gone crazy by now if that wasn't the case.
I have come to realize that it is the times that I am most alone that God is probably the most present and He urges us to talk to Him in prayer. Prayer demands alone time, and I have taken advantage of such opportunities, especially yesterday on my 17 minute ride from Oberursel to Frankfurt on the S5. I prayed for greater understanding of the German language, patience with everybody, and the ability to consume any and all meals my Oma prepared. Thankfully, the words of Luke 11:9-10 (So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.) rang true in my life. I was able to hold a decent conversation with my Aunt Edith later in the evening, and actually received a complement on my improving German (which is a surprise because she is apt to be the most critical at times) and I was able to have my entire bowl of zucchini soup and fried potato pancakes (yes, you read that correctly, SOUP). All in all, a very successful day thanks to answered prayer.
So maybe, just maybe, I won't go crazy by the end of this trip, but we'll have to see what the next 9 days have to offer. The best advice, though, is to pray constantly to the One who can always provide help.

Accept the Breakdown as a Learning Experience

Ever feel like life keeps pummeling you with trials that you can't always juggle? My life seems to have turned into a circus act as of late, and I've found it very difficult to continue functioning in a normal manner. I think my main issue is that I have tried too much to just rely on myself, and we all know that's not how life works. The reason we are given so much to handle and take in is so that we finally come to that realization that we need Jesus to get us through each and every day. The only problem with having so much go wrong in life all at once is that we begin to question whether or not God is really there watching over us. Some might call this doubt; others lack of faith. I call it human nature. I don't question God's presence. I know He is there even if I don't always sense it. It reminds me of lyrics from the song "Give Me Faith". The bridge says the following: I may be weak. Your spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail. My God you never will. The essence of this is that, as humans, we can never fully live up to God's expectations, but with His help, we can achieve glory.
I believe my main issue lately isn't necessarily that my life is falling apart. I feel I have become lazy in my faith. A relationship with God takes a lot of effort to maintain. Like any other relationship, if you don't remain close and have a continual dialogue, it fades. I have struggled lately in my prayer life and have been too earthly focused. I have gotten frustrated at circumstances and wished they didn't occur instead of praying the matter over and giving God the burden. Much like the words in Hebrews 6:12, "We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."
I can tell you that this verse definitely rings true in my life. I have not been the poster girl for patience. Quite the opposite, actually. My heart has grown cold and my patience for people and their idiocy has disappeared. My temper has become short-fused, and this is all because I have not maintained a healthy prayer life with my God and Savior. My goal is to start reading my Bible more consistently in order to gain more peace of mind and to remind myself that God is in charge of my life and knows all that will happen, even if I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants into uncharted waters. Slowly but surely I hope to regain my composure so that I can strengthen my relationship with God and so that I am a more pleasant person to be around. When I can sense that people would prefer to not be in my presence, it's time for a change.
The next time you feel utterly defeated over your circumstances and feel that God doesn't have your back, listen to the song Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. The lyrics are pretty powerful and serve as a good reminder that tomorrow is another day and joy is coming for those who believe that Jesus is their Savior.

Do you wonder why you have to

Feel the things that hurt you

If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends

You know where you’re going

You just don’t know how you’ll get there

So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot

It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory

All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing

Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning 

Obstacle Conquered

For all of you who are wondering, yes I did finish my marathon today and I ran the entire way. It was by no means easy mentally or physically, but God definitely blessed me with some awesome friends to help me along the way.
 I hit the proverbial wall mad early, at approximately mile 12.5, which was really frustrating. The course was a loop, which meant that all of the hills that demoralized me on lap 1 were going to be that much more of a struggle on lap 2. Apparently I was turning green halfway through, but I regained my color after taking one of my accel-gels. All along the root I was trying to keep scripture in my head like Joshua 1:9, Philippians 4:13, Isaiah 40:31, and 1 Peter 5:7, all in an attempt to motivate myself and trust that God was there and supporting me. To be honest, I was on the verge of a panic attack and giving up around mile 16, which is where my mom jogged a portion with me. This helped slightly, but my hips were killing me, along with my quads, and I just couldn't imagine pushing through another 9 miles. What happened next was definitely a blessing from God. My friend Chrissy, who runs on and off recreationally, but never for long distances, ran with me from mile 17 until mile 25...in jeans. I was so utterly thankful because I was on the verge of throwing in the towel and her running with me gave me the motivation I needed to keep moving. She held my hand when I was really hurting and was a constant source of motivation. We actually got numerous comments from the crowd due to her shirt for "Team Kayla" that contained scripture and the fact that she was wearing jeans. I was most amazed by the fact that she ran 8 miles, which is the farthest she has ever run in my knowledge. That was truly God at work to watch over me in the physical realm while He watched over me in the spiritual realm. What was also a blessing was my roommate running the last obnoxiously steep hill from mile 25-25.5; I was extremely thankful for someone willing to gut that out with me. I finished in an unofficial time of 4hr and 36min. I was just hoping to finish, so I'm not at all concerned with the fact that my time was quite distant from my original goal. I am thoroughly blessed with some awesome friends, but I must go soak in an ice bath so that I am able to walk to class in the morning.

Culmination of Preparation

Well, tomorrow is the big day that I have been looking forward to and dreading all at once: marathon day. Everybody says that I should be excited, and I'm sure deep down I am. The surface is swirling with apprehension, though. Sure I have put in the necessary training, but the past two weeks have not been steady, and my longest run was only 18 miles, which is the exact distance where I smashed into the wall in Harrisburg. I'm lucky that my friend is napping while I type this because I'm sure she would slap me in the face for housing such doubts. I really need to focus on building confidence for the race in the morning, (which ought to be interesting since they are calling for thunderstorms...dodging lightning bolts anyone?) and the perfect bit of scripture for that is housed within 1 Peter. The verse I'm thinking of is 1 Peter 5:7, which commands, "Cast your anxiety on him because he cares for you." So instead of worrying about how I might do, I plan on focusing on the fact that God will be watching over me and caring about each and every step I take. Knowing this, I truly believe that I can gut it out to the very end of the marathon and triumph in under 4 hours. I will also cloak myself in the words of 2 Timothy 2:1 ~ "You then, my son, be strong in grace that is in Christ Jesus." With His grace, all things are possible and I will find the strength to succeed in order to glorify His name with each stride I take along the streets of Wilmington, Delaware, tomorrow morning. I would say wish me luck, but luck is not what is needed. Prayer is much more suitable. So if you desire to do so, please pray for me as I begin my race at 7am EST, and I will update you all on what I accomplished once I have the energy to do that.