Refiner's Fire

There's a courage that is forged in pain
There's a purpose in the furnace flame

~Live Alive by Rend Collective 

Within the Bible there is much imagery dedicated to gold and silver being purified in fire. Just as smelters seek to rid precious metals of their impurities, the Lord seeks to purify the hearts of His followers. God desires to strengthen the faith of believers and draw them closer to Himself. 1 Peter 1:6-7 seeks to illustrate this point by stating, "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire -- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." In light of this Scripture, and looking back on 2016, I very much believe that I spent the year in God's forge.

To impersonate Sophia Petrillo, "Picture it! Galilee, PA: February 2016." It was my least favorite month of the year and the gloom of winter was causing my mind and thought processes to spiral downward. For those who don't know, I struggle with anxiety and depression that can either be general, circumstantial, and almost always seasonal. If I'm diligent in prayer, I can usually catch myself and hold off the downward spiral. But other times, like last winter, my mind can become its own worst enemy and I can create problems that don't actually exist.
Being an introvert, I'm very observant and attuned to patterns, and I had convinced myself that a particular pattern in communication had become fractured. Instead of dealing with this situation rationally, I allowed my anxiety to take a stranglehold on my life. I believe that the best description for the mental sabotage i endured can be found in Zach Eswine's book Spurgeon's Sorrows. In it he states, "Though none of the bad things we imagine have happened to us, we 'convert our suspicions into realities and torture' ourselves with them in our own imaginations." And as Spurgeon himself declared, "On the very slightest turn of circumstances we begin to fret." Believe me when I tell you that it's not a fun place to be in mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. For anyone who has either experienced this personally or had a friend struggle, you'll know that an unfortunate byproduct of anxiety and depression is anger, and that was the next phase of my year.
At this point, I opted to go on a disaster relief trip for a change of scenery in the hope that this would cure my inner turmoil. While I was able to mask my struggles during the day for the most part, during my alone time the internal battle continued to rage and I began pleading with God to make me well. I was very aware that I was starting to lash out at close friends and couldn't figure out how to stop and just chill. I could totally relate to Anna Kendrick in her book Scrappy Little Nobody where she admitted, "The real problem is that I let my anxiety cripple my relationships." It was agonizing to notice shifts in friendships and painful to realize that my behavior was the most notable cause for the shift.
For the longest time I couldn't recognize the purpose behind my struggles. Thankfully God knew they were necessary to strengthen my resolve in order to minister to others while I dealt with the so-called trainwreck of my mind. Looking back to May, there was a particular morning that I was rather anxious and a chaplain pulled me aside at breakfast to pray with me. You know it's getting bad when the chaplains make a beeline for you. The blessing, though, was that I ended up working at the home of a woman who struggled with anxiety that bordered agoraphobia. I felt that God had placed me there specifically, so I took the time to share music with her, along with letting her know that it was okay to be frustrated and that there is an entire book in the Bible where the author voices his frustrations, which is aptly titled Lamentations. All of this was discussed while we carefully went through her closet looking for and thankfully finding the deed to her house. At the end of the day, another chaplain, who happened to be a trained counselor, expressed how he struggled to see past the clinical aspects of this homeowner's anxiety, but I was there in a capacity that allowed me to relate to her through shared experience. That was one of the few times all year that I felt like I had a purpose and that God was using my struggles to benefit others.
Although I came to this realization, I still endured a summer plagued with anger and negative thought processes. There were some notable bright moments spent with friends watching soccer, but I remained consumed by things that had gone wrong and yearned for my life and friendships to be restored to how they were in previous months. I forgot that change is inevitable and God had His own plan. He desired for me to focus solely on Him and in order to do that, certain aspects of my life needed to be refined and idols discarded. It wasn't until August that I finally began implementing some of these changes, which included taking better care of myself mentally and spiritually. This involved rearranging my work schedule so that I could finally make it to church on Sunday. This in turn gave me an opportunity to stop by work on my way home from church to share what I had learned during the sermon.
Through all of this, I finally recognized that God had protected me during certain events and kept me out of particular circumstances. He also made me keenly aware of the blessings He bestowed on me. The most apparent blessings came in the form of friends and fellow believers who desired to minister to me, pray for me, and help restore my lost joy. I'm thankful that I finally recognized the purpose for walking through God's refining fire this past year. I've taken to heart James 1:2-3, which states, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." Without facing trials, I may fall prey to thinking that I can do life without relying on God. Through my many trials, though, I've drawn closer to God, restoring my loyalty to Him, with a renewed desire to stand for my faith.

A Metaphorical Thorn

"Arguably, issues of mental health are always invisible – always something embarrassedly swept aside in favour of problems easier to acknowledge and talk about." ~Claire Bennett

For those of you who are unaware, I've dealt with anxiety and depression since around the age of 15, so I've had some personal experience with what would be deemed mental health issues. For awhile, I used to be ashamed of my struggle and it was always hard to talk about it because, unfortunately, there are many who either don't understand or accept mental health as "actual" issues. The reasoning behind that can range from ignorance to the false assumption that those individuals struggling should just think positively and need to change their frame of mind. Truth be told, it's not that simple. But it's not easy to explain, either, especially to those who don't really want to listen. 

Anxiety and depression are each their own animal, but can occasionally be packaged together in a single individual's brain, such as mine. Anxiety has a tendency to make me hyper aware in certain situations, especially anything that's new and unknown. I joke that there's a little hamster on a wheel running in my brain constantly, because in all honesty, that's one of the best ways for me to describe how I feel. I'm a classic over-analyzer and over-thinker, which just creates more rabbit trails for my anxiety when it's close to the surface. This is what makes my ability to socialize difficult at times. My mind has this way of sabotaging me at times just for its own amusement. Simple conversation can be made difficult when I have thoughts coursing through my brain wondering if I'm talking too much, annoying somebody, or discussing topics that are uninteresting. This doesn't just happen when I talk to people in person, either. I almost have to give myself a pep talk when it comes to calling or texting people at times. Yes, I know that sounds odd, and it is, but that's how my brain works sometimes.

Then of course there's the depression. When depression rears its ugly head, it can plunge me not only into despair, but also a state of numbness. It makes me feel like I have no emotions at all sometimes, and I desire strongly to isolate myself from others in order to avoid talking about my struggles because so often I'm unable to put them into words. How can I possibly explain my sadness when nothing is truly wrong? Saying you're depressed is usually met with responses like, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," but nothing more. People have a tendency to walk on eggshells around people with depression, or just avoid the issue altogether. It takes a very special friend to be willing to remain steadfast with someone in the midst of a battle with depression.
When I think about it, though, I wouldn't change my life or take the battle away. The battle has aided me in certain situations because those who struggle with anxiety and depression are more empathetic to others in a similar plight. I recognize some signs in others on occasion and have had the opportunity to start discussions with certain individuals about their own battle. On some occasions I have desired to have a "normal" life and not have to deal with my depression and anxiety. Much like Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:8, when he desired to have the thorn removed from his flesh, I have pleaded to have God ease the anguish enveloping my brain, but the struggle remains in varying degrees. I think it remains as a reminder for me seek God with all my heart and mind in order to find peace because if I had a so-called easy life, I believe that I would forget God's provision for me. I just have to remember that God's grace is sufficient. Nothing more. Nothing less.

"I was reminded tonight of just how brave people who suffer from depression/anxiety/etc are. To fight those battles & survive is just...heroic." ~Mandy Hale

Musical Motivation

The past couple weeks I feel like my serotonin levels have been slowly decreasing and then decided to take a nosedive at some point this week. For those who don't totally understand brain chemistry (myself included), that pretty much means I haven't felt like myself for a little while and this week the depression decided to rear its ugly head inside my head...again. I've come to accept the fact that this is just something that I deal with, but as a Christian, it also discourages me at times because I get frustrated with the reaction to my depression, which borders along the lines of self-pity. I find this quality in myself rather unwholesome when it springs up and desperately want to tell myself to get over myself, which I do, but surprise, surprise, that doesn't really do much of anything. In order to cope, I turned to my Bible and would read, then get distracted, then read, followed by more distraction. I also opted to listen to Alistair Begg's podcast, which this week happens to focus on trials that Christians will encounter, referencing James 1:1-3 and 1 Peter 4:12-19. As useful as all of this was, it still didn't change my mood at all. Making things worse was the fact that, in the grand scheme of things when compared to those who are suffering over in the Philippines or others who are dealing with actual struggles, I have nothing to complain about.
Then today I decided to go for a run. I'd love to say that my mood immediately improved because of it, but it didn't. I know that things like my bouts of depression take time to process, but I did do something unique on my run: listen to music. To some of you, this may not seem like such an odd concept since numerous people run with their iPods these days. The thing is, I'm typically not one of those people. But after today's experience, I think I will be one of those people. I used to be more of a purest, as in a runner who could go out and run for miles for the enjoyment of it, or because I knew I was training for a race. These days, though, I've found it hard to get myself off the couch. Too much chaos in my brain telling me I'm not the runner I used to be and too often, if I did manage to lace up my shoes and get on the road, I couldn't get in more than a mile before I was bored or pondering what the heck I was doing. This of course doesn't bode well for someone who would like to run a half marathon next May. So off I went today with my iPod in the hopes of getting some endorphins to boost the doldrums of my mind.
I didn't perform any miraculous feat of speed or distance, but I did accomplish a 2.5 mile run without wondering what the heck I was doing or feeling like I wanted to throw in the towel. It's been a little while since that's happened, so I was pleased. Also, when I was going up the steepest hill on this particular route, the song "Anklebiters" by Paramore came on, and the lyrics got me thinking. As much as I try to tell myself and everybody else that I don't care about what other people's opinion of me are, I clearly do and I've unfortunately allowed that to impact who I am. Don't get me wrong, I like who I am and all, but there are times in your life when people do or say things that just make you wonder and question yourself, and I think that's typically how I end up getting depressed from time to time. I'm by no means blaming anybody but myself for my mood because, at the end of the day, I have the power and choice over what thoughts occupy my mind (...take every thought captive to obey Christ, ~2 Corinthians 10:5), but I think it was something I needed to be made aware of again. The song not only helped to motivate me up that obnoxiously steep hill today, but it helped me re-evaluate who I am and what I focus on. Again, I'm still in a bit of a rut, but I'm slowly making steps of progress to get out of it. And it's those little victories in life that I must focus on. Sometimes it's not all about the big picture, but those baby steps away from where you don't want to be.

Steadfast Hope

"'I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.'" ~John 16:33

One thing we all need in order to survive and endure trials is hope. Desperate times can make people do crazy things or just drive them into a deep, endless depression. Only through hope in Christ can people spot the light at the end of the tunnel and keep persevering day after day.

Today in the trailer park we opted to utilize our time by going to various individuals who had given their lives to Christ back in November to see how they were coping. Many of the people were in need of encouragement and a reminder of the power of the Holy Spirit within them. There was one couple that my heart just broke for because of the situation they are stuck in. Mold has overtaken much of their trailer, the furnace doesn't work, their pipes burst in the cold snap so they have no hot water, and there are cracks in the roof which allows rain into their home during every storm. The living conditions have really impacted their health, with the one guy battling laryngitis every morning, along with constant wheezing due to the mold irritating his asthma. What amazed me, though, was the fact that neither one of them were angry. Their response was pretty much, "It is what it is." They admitted to being frustrated and Jim tried to remind them that their hope was in Christ and that He would provide a way to a better situation. The only saving grace is that they have a car, so they aren't completely trapped in their trailer.

Another couple that we visited were struggling with limited mobility and no form of transportation. I honestly think that the woman has only been outside a handful of times in the past four months because she is in a wheelchair. She is hoping that a ramp will soon be installed so she can at least go around the trailer park and enjoy the fresh air, rather than just sitting inside and staring out the window. We asked how her heart was and she admitted that she was dealing with some depression because she couldn't get the thought of a fight she had with her mother before she died out of her head. I liked the spin that Jim put on it, though. He asked how many years they had spent together and she said 64. Jim then said that she should focus on the happiness within those 64 years as opposed to the 5 minute fight she was choosing to dwell on. Honestly, it's all a matter of perspective, and the only reason you fight with someone is because you love them.

It was amazing to see God working today and utilizing us to provide hope in a broken community. God can overcome any hardship and any disaster that befalls our lives if we just open up to Him and communicate through prayers, allowing the Holy Spirit into our hearts. 1 John 5:4 states that, "For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith." We must never forget that by our faith in Jesus Christ we have the power to tackle any obstacle along our path through life. Satan can try his best to wear us down and whisper lies to us in our despair, but through the power of our faith in Jesus, anything and everything can be conquered.

Beautiful Letdown

It was a beautiful let down
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt

Switchfoot

Simply put, this week has not been what I was hoping it would be for numerous reasons that I'd rather not dive into at the moment. In the words of Switchfoot, it's seemed like a beautiful letdown. There have been some situations that have caused me to feel utter frustration and despair, but my goal is to try and not make hasty decisions as I process my current reality and grapple with what could be my future reality. Ephesians 4:26, "In your anger do not sin..." seems to be in the forefront of my mind in the hopes of not lashing out at an unassuming passerby.
I've started running again in the hopes that I can get some endorphines running through my body in to try and lift my mood. The only issue with that is the fact that after so much time off, it's really hard to build that base again. Every runner wants to be able to jump right back into the sport with ease and be able to feel like they are in tip top shape, but that just isn't the case. Starting to run again after taking around 9 months off can almost be demoralizing, which isn't exactly a feeling I need to have coupled with my other frustrations. Thankfully I'm determined to get back in shape and am refusing to let those defeatists thoughts win.
In a way, it brings me back to how I felt during mile 17 of my marathon back in Delaware. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and questioning whether or not I could complete the race, but God was there to help me to the finish line. A song I listened to on the way to the race was "Unbreakable" by Fireflight, which is something that I listened to on my way to work today. The lyrics that really spoke to me were the following: "Sometimes it's hard to just keep going. But faith is moving without knowing. Can I trust what I can't see? To reach my destiny. I want to take control but I know better." Back during the marathon, it helped me to keep working towards that finish line. Now, it's my motivation to not give up, even when the world seems against me.
At this point in time, I'm very thankful for the blessing of music. There are numerous songs which seem to speak to how I feel in my current predicament. Along with "Unbreakable," two other songs that have helped keep my head above water this week are "Monster" by Paramore, and "Blinding Light" by Switchfoot. "Monster" speaks about how someone's opinion of, and occasional accusations against you, can make it seem like the whole world is attacking constantly. I especially like the part of the chorus, which says, "I'll stop the whole world, I'll stop the whole world. From turning into a monster and eating us alive. Don't you ever wonder how we survive?" In my opinion, if you trust in God, you can have a more positive outlook even when the world seems to be trying to devour you so that you lose hope. "Blinding Light" has a very blunt opinion on how America functions. In the first verse it says, "We're the nation that eats our youth." I couldn't agree more because it seems like there is such a push for everyone to go to college, but once you graduate, employers won't hire you and you are left to drown in student loans.
All of this has brought me back to my faith in God. I've been trying to remember that He has a plan for all of us and we must be patient in order to discover the answer. I don't want to just be another human floating through society not knowing what to do. I want to have a purpose, but I cannot try to control my life. God is in control and I must give everything to Him so I don't dissolve in despair or spiral into a pit of anxiety and depression. To avoid this, I'll continue to meditate on Philippians 4:6, which says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." My hope is that you all will do the same when you run into roadblocks in life because they're inevitable.