Winter: A Season of Melancholy

You’re the God of seasons

I’m just in the winter

~Seasons by Hillsong Worship

Within Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, we are reminded that, "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven," and specifically, "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." We have a tendency to forget that life has an natural ebb and flow that brings various seasons into our lives. Not everyday is going to be sunshine and roses, but at the same time, not everyday is going to be dark and gloomy. Seasons are necessary for growth when it comes to crops and our spiritual lives.

If I'm to be honest, I'm currently in a season of melancholy. There is no particular cause, and it's very hard to describe to someone who hasn't dealt with this particular circumstance in their life, though I doubt dealing with some trust issues lately has very helpful. In essence, in my attempt to avoid a depression, I ended up over compensating into anxiety, and out of desperation to get that to stop, I believe I shutdown emotionally as a means of self preservation. Charles Spurgeon himself wrote about his own experiences with depression stating, "There is a kind of mental darkness in which you are disturbed, perplexed, worried, troubled - not, perhaps, about anything tangible." It's very much like what Zach Eswibe wrote in his book Spurgeon's Sorrows: "We can finally go numb. It is as if we shut down and feel so much that we feel nothing at all." And to quote Switchfoot, "You want peace but there's war in your head," or more precisely, "I get caught chasing my own illusions. I get so lost in these confusions. I keep on looking for my own solutions." Needless to say, I have become well acquainted with Psalm 42:11, which states, "Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God." 

I'm sure there are some of you out there who are not well acquainted with depression, anxiety, or melancholy who might ask why I can't just "snap out of it." And I know other well meaning people who would suggest I pray, focus on God as my source of joy, read Scripture, or listen to some uplifting music or sermons. Guess what? I have, and I feel nothing. Like seriously, nothing. I knew this was definitely a problem when I was listening to I Will Be Undignified by Rend Collective and would tap my foot along to the music, but sensed absolutely no enthusiasm. I dare you to listen to that song and not want to just get up and dance, and please do, because I just can't force myself to right now. I exhaust myself daily trying to elicit the proper emotional responses to particular situations. I desire joy and long to feel something at all, whether happiness or sadness. I have my moments where I crack a smile, but that dissipates quickly. I listen to sermons on joy and totally understand and agree where the pastors are coming from, but can't feel. It's the weirdest thing ever, honestly.

Now I know this sounds like an awful experience, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody in my life, but it has been a learning experience for me. It's grounded me in Scripture and I have focused more on my relationship with God, rather than on my relationships with people. In the course of listening to one particular sermon yesterday, I felt rather convicted about my struggle for control in my life. It exposed my lack of trust in people and not thinking the best of them, but more importantly, it exposed my lack of trust in God, which is certainly sinful. He's the Creator of the universe and knows all of the particulars of my life, yet I am still foolish enough to think I know what's best for me. Absolutely ridiculous on my part. So, if you are reading this, please pray for me about this particular area of my life so that I may gain some humility. James 5:16 reminds us, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

While this current state of melancholy is not exactly what I would like to be dealing with right now, I know that God is using this season to shape me for the future. He knows the reasoning behind it, and that's all that really matters. I know He is still paying attention to me because I got a text from a friend telling me that I'm a blessing to her and others and I have gotten texts from people that I don't normally hear from. One was a picture of my friend's nephew wearing the lederhosen onesie I bought him in Germany and the other was from a friend who I used to do a Bible study with in college when he was going through a difficult time in his life. He texted to thank me for helping him through one of the most spiritually difficult times of his life and for being one of the driving forces to get him to where he is today. That was totally God giving me encouragement through this season and reminding me to not give up hope because He still has work to do through me. I will continue surviving each day for His sake. In the words of Romans 12:12, I will be, "rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfast in prayer." This is my season of patient endurance for the faith.

If all I know of harvest

Is that it’s worth my patience

Then if You’re not done working

God I’m not done waiting

You can see my promise

Even in the winter

Cause You’re the God of greatness

~Seasons by Hillsong Worship

Facing Fears for God's Glory

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears." ~Psalm 34:4

The above verse was my mantra for the majority of last week. I spent the week going through raft guide school, a period of time that I thought would be a stepping stone for a new summer job. There's truth to the fact that it was a stepping stone, but not in the sense that I expected, as you'll all soon come to realize.

The week started out well enough. I met the other raft guide candidates and we all received our cold weather gear that included a wetsuit, booties, and a splash top. March isn't exactly the ideal time of year to go rafting, especially when the water is 47 degrees Fahrenheit, but I figured after a week of volunteering in 16 degree weather in Tennessee, I'd be alright. The first day we were taught paddle strokes and then the instructors took us down the channel of Class II and III rapids. It was a little unnerving at first, but I survived and slowly became more comfortable. By day two, I was doing a decent job of guiding and catching mandatory eddies, minus the fact that I decided to briefly abandon ship when I got bounced out of the raft during a Class III rapid. What I wasn't ready for, though, was our last task of the day: swimming underneath the raft. I totally understand why it is required because we need to be put in every possible situation that someone might experience while whitewater rafting. But for someone who has a fear of getting trapped beneath an object underwater, to the point where I have a hammer in my glove compartment on the off chance my car goes off a bridge into a body of water, this was a terrifying endeavor. I attempted to do the length of the raft, but after about two seconds of being underwater, I freaked out and shot out the side. I did my best to regain my composure and the instructors and I decided on me doing the width of the raft, which I completed, but my mental state was in shambles. I held it together until I reached my car, which is where I crumbled into uncontrollable sobs for my 45 minute drive home. I knew I was okay, but I was allowing Satan to infiltrate my brain and play tricks on me. I knew the next day involved swimming the Class III rapids, and I was petrified and convinced that I wouldn't be able to do it. 

When I got home, I attempted to calm down enough to call home. I was calm for a matter of five seconds before the panic attack returned. Thankfully my mom was able to get me to talk about what I had accomplished that day, which helped alleviate my panic, until I had to discuss what had caused it. I was able to calm down again, but I was at a real low point, actually asking if I was a horrible Christian for getting so anxious and fearful for my life and the thought of death, even though I was aware that the likelihood of me dying at guide school was minimal. I was reassured and told that I wasn't a bad Christian, but that I really needed to pray, and pray a lot. It had become very apparent that I wasn't going to be able to complete guide school in my own strength. 

That night I had a very fitful night of sleep. I was dreading guide school because of the swim portion, and to make it even more fun, it was about 50 degrees and cloudy. Did I mention that the water was 47 degrees? I arrived and was thankful that we just spent time talking inside for two hours, but then it was time to venture outside. I was shaking partly because of the cold and partly because of the idea of having to swim through the rapids. I was doing my best to pray for God's strength and for him to wrap me up in a little bubble and take away my fears and anxiety. The first portion of the swim wasn't too bad, but then I got caught in an eddy, which really exhausted me when I tried to swim out of it. Combining the fact that I was tired with the fact that I still had to swim the largest Class III on the channel made me start doubting myself, which I voiced to one of the instructors. He remained patient with me and promised to float a few feet behind me to make me more comfortable, so I waded into the frigid water, said a little prayer, and began floating toward the waves downstream. As I descended, I held my breath and prepared for my body to get held underwater momentarily. Thankfully I popped up within five seconds and was able to swim to shore feeling like I accomplished something. I was thankful that God got me through that, but the anxiety soon returned knowing full well that swimming a Class IV rapid was on the docket.

As I sat and ate my lunch, another guide began discussing the Class IV rapid that was awaiting us. He mentioned how you really didn't want to go left or else you'd experience what is known as the "spin cycle," which pretty much meant you'd get tumbled underwater a couple times before resurfacing. This put my mind in overdrive and I attempted to pray, but the fear and anxiety lingered in the recesses of my brain. I began to shiver again partially from cold and partially from the thought of the swim. I tried to warm up in a hot shower, but by the time we were to go outside, I had reached my breaking point and told one of my instructors that the water was making me anxious, which of course lead to some tears on my part. Another one of my least favorite things: crying in front of people. He was kind and asked me what about it made me anxious and I explained the unpredictability of the currents. Instead of forcing me to go back on the water, he suggested I go talk to the raft guide scheduler in order to decompress. She was very kind and allowed me to express my concerns and she voiced how she was also scared to swim under the raft. She also said that the instructors weren't there to make me miserable and that if there was anything that made me feel uncomfortable, I didn't have to do it. That seemed to alleviate some of the stress I was feeling. She also encouraged me to not give up so fast and to at least finish out the week, even if that meant just riding along as a passenger in the raft and not actually guiding considering I fell out pretty much once a day as a guide for some reason. I was able to motivate myself into going back out and rafting the rest of the day, thankful that we weren't swimming the Class IV that day like I suspected. I made it through the rest of Wednesday and was less anxious than the day before, but still not at all myself. I had a discussion with Chrissy when I got home, and we both determined that this wasn't the job for me with all of the tension that was clearly wafting off of me. I desired nothing more than to just be done with guide school, but still knew that I couldn't just throw in the towel. I needed to see this through no matter how anxious I was.

Thursday morning rolled around and I started my day by writing Psalm 34:4 on the back of my left hand. To go with it, I also wrote on there 1 John 4:18 in order to remind me of these words: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." That last sentence stings a bit to consider, but in essence, it's true of my life. I don't fully understand the love of God and I think I fall short in truly embracing it at times and trusting God to protect me every step of the way. It's certainly a shortcoming and an area in my faith that I need to improve through studying my Bible, but I digress. 

On my way to school, I opted to listen to Tenth Avenue North, particularly the song, "Closer." Within this song is the line, "Come on, let me know You're near, and push away my fear," which ended up serving as my mantra for the day. Again, we began our day discussing things in the classroom before gearing up and scouting the Class III and IV channel on our way to the swim location. I prayed on and off on our scouting trip, partly thinking that the channel wasn't so bad, until I saw where we needed to swim. Then my anxiety revved right up again. My uneasiness was well known to the other participants and other instructors, along with the rafting manager, who tried to give me some encouragement letting me know that my guiding skills were good and that the I was capable of doing the swim. I nodded and decided that I would attempt it despite my mind trying to convince me otherwise. Honestly, the night before I'd practiced holding my breath as long as possible as a way of preparing for a worst case scenario. Soon we all lined up to take our turns at the swim, waiting for the "go" signal from the manager on shore. When it was my turn, I again said a prayer and jumped into the current. I attempted to steer myself towards the right of the pillow of the rapid and held my breath and closed my eyes as I went under. About seven seconds later, I resurfaced and heard my instructor yelling for me to swim to him in the eddy to the river left. I managed to get over there and swirled up to the side and climbed the ladder onto the shore. I was very thankful to be okay and happy about what God helped me accomplish, but that nugget of anxiety implanted itself yet again since I knew full well that I then had to raft the same channel multiple times with others guiding and soon myself guiding. I continued to think about how perfect love casts out fear and that got me to lunch time. With the temperature dropping and it downpouring and windy, we stayed inside for quite awhile. I secretly hoped the storm wouldn't calm down, but alas, it did, and it was on to attempting to surf the Class III rapids. I found myself volunteering to go first, mostly just to get it out of the way. I did a decent job until the current ripped the side of the boat into the rapid and I feared we were going to flip as I got tossed to the left. I tried to lean right, but my paddle came out of the water, causing the right side of the boat to then tip towards the trough of the rapid, and into the water I fell, upstream of the raft. Thankfully I didn't have enough time to fully comprehend what happened and what was about to happen and was able to instinctively hold my breath because I soon found myself pushed underneath my raft. With the training I had earlier in the week, though, I knew what I needed to do in order to get back to the surface and swam frantically to shore, where I climbed onto a rock totally winded, hands on knees trying to catch my breath again. I distinctly remember thinking to myself that this wasn't fun and so not for me, but knowing that it was not because of the instruction, but was all totally mental on my part. Since it was so cold, I opted to only do one more run and then call it a day in order to avoid hypothermia. I was thankful that God got me through yet another day, but was still wishing I was completely done.

Friday rolled around, a day where it was 29 degrees out and windy. We remained inside until 11am, but I already knew in my head that it wasn't worth risking hypothermia for a job I knew I wouldn't take in the end. I prayed about it and knew that I had accomplished all that was necessary for the week. Regardless, I suited up in my wetsuit and multiple fleece layers, but still found myself shivering. God was watching over me, though, because upon mentioning that I was cold to an instructor, he went and chatted with the other instructor and they both decided to have me observe runs from shore to keep me dry until at least lunch time. I was perfectly content with that idea and could feel my anxiety leaving me, knowing that I could wait to face the Class IV rapids a little longer. After lunch, though, I was still a little chilly and requested to continue my observations, which I was allowed to do. I was thankful and actually really enjoyed watching from shore. I maintained my awareness of what the other guides were doing and I had the opportunity to talk to the instructors one on one for a long period of time, which wouldn't have happened otherwise. God answered my prayers and had gotten me through the week and blessed me with a day on shore in order to stay relatively warm and dry.

After the day was complete, each raft guide candidate had a debriefing interview with the instructors and manager. I explained to them that I didn't think that being a raft guide was a good fit for me because the water made me anxious. To my surprise, I found that I was being thanked and complimented for my perseverance and my ability to guide. They told me that if there was anything they could help with in the future that they would in order to get me to feel more comfortable because they believed in my abilities. They also were thankful that I didn't just bail midweek even though I knew that raft guiding wasn't for me because that would have caused them to question their teaching abilities, so I made sure to emphasize that they were very good instructors and that I was just too in my head about certain things. They then complimented me on the fact that never once did I complain even when I was visibly shivering due to the cold. 

As much as I'd like to take credit, I know that God is the one who saw me through my week at guide school. Without Him protecting me, I wouldn't have been able to manage swimming Class III and Class IV rapids in such cold water. I believe this entire week was a test of my faith to see whether or not I would trust God enough. I know I faltered at times, but I think the blessing of a day onshore on Friday was proof that I ultimately passed. 

This week definitely taught me a lot about myself and the power of prayer. True, I still need to trust God more, but we're all a work in progress. It also helped put some of my other random anxieties in perspective and proved to me that they are nothing compared to facing raging whitewater. As my one friend said in a text on Friday, "Who knew that such a small event could have such a lasting impact on the rest of your life." In light of deciding I'm not cut out to be a rafting guide, I was reminded of a piece of advice I was I was given last year: "Sometimes you have to find out what isn't before you can find out what is." My hope for all of you is that you won't run away from your fears or difficult situations automatically. I hope that you'll pray to God to get you through them and that He can be glorified when you accomplish something that you know would be impossible in your own strength. As Paul wrote of God in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "...'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Abundant Provision

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." ~Ephesians 3:20-21

Maybe I'm too much of a realist or maybe it's my staunch stance against the prosperity gospel, but I've always struggle with the above verse. I know that God provides for us, but I guess my trust falls short of believing in the utter abundance of God's blessings for His people. Apparently today was one of those days that God felt He needed to remind me that He is God and provides everything in this life, even if we assume that we're in control.

The past couple of days I have been getting amusingly hassled by my German relatives. They couldn't understand why I was leaving the day before New Year's Eve, also known as Silvester in Germany. My aunt's fiance went so far as to hypothesize that my parents got so into their house renovations that either I wouldn't have a room to go back to or they just decided to up and move the whole house, which would still leave me with no place to go home to in America. I was rather amused by all of this and attempted to explain that the cost of flights before New Years was at least $300 cheaper than after, thus the reason I was leaving early, especially since the trip was a gift from my parents in the first place, so I was trying to save them as much money as possible.

Fast forward to today where I was sitting at my gate awaiting the boarding call for my flight to JFK. I had a nice chat with the security guy who told me he was jealous that I lived within two hours of New York City and always wanted to visit because of the atmosphere. As it turns out, my flight was overbooked and they were offering a voucher to anybody willing to bump the flight home. I'd heard about these offers, but never anticipated that they would offer a $1000 travel voucher, which was exactly what they did. I went to the desk at the gate to inquire about rebooking because if I had to fly out the next day, that would defeat the purpose of trying to enjoy New Years with the family. When I was told that the date was up to me, I jumped on the opportunity and bumped my flight. Not only was I provided with the ability to spend Silvester with my relatives without the extra expense, I was blessed with $1000 towards travel with Delta at somepoint in the next year, which is a tremendous blessing for someone who is preparing to up and move to a new city in search of a new job. I've been a bit anxious about the move, but this reminded me about how God provides and provides in abundance, which is something that I need to believe in more fervently. 

The reason I chose to write this post, though, is because of the verse I came across as I was writing about the day's events in my travel journal. There are little Bible verses at the bottom of each page and the one at the bottom of the page for today was from The Living Bible. It's Psalm 139:3, which states, "You chart the path ahead of me...Every moment You know where I am." As I reflect on my day, this verse couldn't be more true. In retrospect, God knew this would happen and that I would opt to volunteer for the voucher, which put me in a unique position to assist some travelers. 

I'll start this story off with the fact that I was in a bit of a rush and slightly annoyed at first. I had four minutes until my train to Frankfurt Bahnhof was to arrive and I needed to purchase my ticket. Except there were three people standing in front of the ticket machine looking for a stop that wasn't coming up on the screen. Instead of stepping out of the way, they stood there to discuss this fact until I finally asked if I could purchase my ticket. Once I did, the one man who had a print out with him started to inquire if I could help. Except he only spoke Portuguese and I only know English and horrible German, and maybe five words in Spanish. Luckily I knew the stop he needed because it was in the basement of Karstadt, which is where I just so happened to go shopping yesterday. I attempted to explain that every S-bahn stopped there and that he and his friend just needed to take a train towards Frankfurt Hauptbahnhof to reach their destination. They then went to buy their tickets, but the machine wouldn't accept the man's credit card. Also, because the fair was so low, he couldn't use his 20 or 50 Euro to purchase the ticket. I could sense his frustration because I've been there myself, exactly three years ago, which is how I ended up with a week long rail pass from Oberursel to Frankfurt. I rifled through my pockets for small Euros and happened to come up with enough for the fare. The man was very grateful and attempted to pay me back, but all he had was a 20, which was over twice the amount of what he paid, so I kindly declined. He then signaled that he would be right back and for me to wait where I was standing. A short while later he had a candy bar and 10 euro, which was still too much, but since he obviously had gone to the effort to make change of his 20, I graciously accepted the compensation. Since they were still a little confused about where to go, I then provided them with a map of the rail system that I had in my bag because my brother had given it to me. They used had gestures to thank me and tell me that they were going to go ask someone upstairs for clarification so that they could find the station and hostel. And guess what? This all took longer than four minutes, meaning that I missed that original train that I was hoping to catch, but there was another one arriving in five minutes, so in the grand scheme of things, it didn't matter. But God went ahead of me and wanted me to have that interaction. Maybe He knew that these guys were feeling lost in a foreign country and needed to be reminded that you don't need to know the language to communicate. I in turn was blessed by my encounter with them because I was able to provide assistance and they kindly repaid me in abundance, which was not my intention at all. The whole situation made me think of a quote I saw on Instagram last week. It's a quote that I will leave you with and strive to live by in the upcoming year: "Don't miss out on a blessing disguised as an inconvenience." 

Scatterbrained Ramble

I've had a lot on my mind lately, but then again, that's nothing out of the ordinary for an over-thinker like myself. I'm one of those overboard multi-taskers because I'm either easily distracted, or my mind is fueled with an obsessive need to know as much as possible at any given moment. Having your brain processing information at a million miles per hour can be a bit of a hindrance, though, especially when it comes to decision making. There comes a point when I find I have too many ideas filtering through my brain and too many options in front of me about what to do with my life. Instead of picking one and running with it, I feel like I just shut down mentally and get stuck in a rut. As Mark Batterson wrote in his book Wild Goose Chase, "'What is it you want?' I'm convinced that many of our problems are the by-products of the fact that most of us cannot answer that question. We don't know what we want. We've never defined our goals or values or passions, so we're out of touch with our heart's desires. And our growing responsibilities have numbed us to the possibilities around us and the passions within us." I don't think I could find a better way to describe the state that I'm in than that.
It's become more and more apparent that I'm going through life in a deer-in-the-headlights fashion as of late. I cringe whenever I'm asked the, "what do you want to do with your life?" question. A late night chat with my dad on the front porch a little over a week ago provided me with the beginning of a wake-up call. It was 1am and I was dealing with a bit of disappointment so I was sitting outside because that's a typical coping mechanism for me. My dad came out to keep me company and our conversation drifted to my future, which is when I began struggling to find answers for him. He then countered with this kick-in-the-teeth comment: "Well I suggest you figure out what it is you enjoy or wanna do or else you're gonna end up living the rest of your life in fear." That's the beauty of having a compassionate, yet hard-nosed German as a father; he's not subtle and doesn't beat around the bush, but gets straight to the point.
Honestly, it was just the comment I needed to fuel some more reading, thinking, and praying that might actually lead to some action from me, rather than indecisiveness. It was a reminder that I'm still living my life in a fashion that seeks glory for myself and makes me fear the opinions of others. Two pieces of Scripture that reminded me of this and opened my eyes were Matthew 10:28 and John 5:44. These verses focus on how humanity puts too much stock in the opinions, adoration, and attention received from other mere mortals as opposed to focusing on the opinion of God and giving Him all the glory. Unnecessary fear of others and their opinions can hold us back, while pride makes us turn away from Jesus, which is a sure fire way to fail in this life, and can be downright disastrous for the next.
I believe a fear that many of us have is not knowing what the future holds and now knowing God's "plan" for our lives. Too often this puts us at a standstill and we somehow stop making decisions about our lives or take any steps to progress toward a goal. It's much like this line from the song "Climbing a Chair to Bed" by the Dropkick Murphys: "Are you too afraid of living to make a man's mistakes?" Kevin DeYoung frames it nicely in his book Just Do Something in the following statement: "I'd like us to consider that maybe we have difficulty discovering God's wonderful plan for our lives because, if truth be told, He doesn't really intend to tell us what it is. And maybe we're wrong to expect Him to." The way I see it, our generation is far too distracted by gadgets and other sources of information to truly focus on God in an attempt to hear His guidance. Our focus has drifted off of God to every other tangible piece of technology or human being in front of us, possibly because we don't put much stock on the intangible, even though we might believe in our hearts that it exists. Unfortunately we're in a generation that desires and yearns for proof of everything.
For me, because of distractions and skewed focus, I've lost track of myself in the melee. Somewhere along the way I never allowed any dreams take root and lost confidence in my God given abilities. That led to a defeatist mentality, which seeped into all aspects of my life from career, to running, to my personal life. This of course kept me from developing and formulating any tangible goals in my life, leading to a rather melancholy existence. Sure, I've enjoyed the exploits from my vagabond lifestyle, but I think I fooled myself into believing I was happy with the direction my life was taking. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel and always will, but I don't want to feel like I'm just wandering through life without a destination or goal in mind. I began rethinking my life when I came across the song "Glass Houses" by The Classic Crime. It's a song that discusses how we all spend so much time building a glass house of happiness that's easily shattered once we stop putting up a front.

When the glass shattered around me

I learned a good lesson about my disorder

I thought I was happy

I said all the right things

I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink

But it did

You got hung up on the outside

Fake like you're living the good life

But death and decay on the inside

Just add pride and hate to your long list of crimes

All this keeping up with the Jones' leads us to pretend that our lives are a walk in the park and we bolster this with fake happiness and fantasies. Truth is, we're lying to everyone, including ourselves. I love how the lyricist of this song talks about how this is actually a disorder and that we're all naive to think it won't break down over time. A facade can only last so long before it begins to crumble or shatter. Most poignantly, though, is that the singer of "Glass Houses" speaks of the fact that he actually built a crystal cathedral amongst all of the glass houses.

This brings me to the first of two misconceptions I'd like to address before I close this lengthy ramble. Somehow churchgoers seem to have fallen into the trap of believing that they are not allowed to be anything but happy. Why is it that so many today feel this need to wear a mask and project false joy? Whatever happened to being able to feel the whole scope of emotions God provided us with? Not allowing ourselves to project anything but happiness because we assume that's how Christians should act totally negates the fact that the Book of Lamentations exists. Even David, a man after God's own heart, got frustrated and exuded various emotions within the Psalms. I recently saw a shirt on gratefulapparel.com that says, "Church isn't a museum for good people. It's a hospital for the broken." From my experience, broken people have various emotions and they don't have it all together all the time. We need to remember that we're allowed to express frustration, anger, and discontent as long as we don't remain in that mindset. Remember the words of Ephesians 4:26 ~ "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." And Psalm 30:5 says, "...Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Clearly we are meant to experience a myriad of emotions.

This brings me to my second point. I believe this misconception about our emotions stems from the misconception that happiness is promised to those who dedicate their lives to Christ. To be brutally honest, this is a huge fallacy. Nowhere in the Bible does God promise His followers happiness for a lifetime on this Earth. There is more emphasis placed on the fact that we are going to suffer and deal with struggles in this life. Romans 8:16-17 is very upfront and honest about this fact, stating, "The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we also may be glorified with him." Let that last part sink in a little bit. Suffering with Christ is in the equation for us to share in His glory. And the glory that Paul speaks of is not in the here and now, but in heaven. To put it bluntly using the words of Kevin DeYoung, "Life isn't always fun, and we shouldn't expect it to be." Truth is, life here on Earth is not all about us an whether or not we're happy. It's all about obeying God and allowing Him to be glorified.

Some of you might be wondering where this leaves us now and how we're supposed to muddle through life. I believe the secret is finding contentment. Paul wrote about the art of being content in both Philippians 4:11 and 1 Thessalonians 5:18. Paul wrote, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content," and, "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." No matter what you're dealing with in life, if Christ is your focus, you'll find contentment wherever you're at, regardless of circumstances. Start looking for joy in the little things life has to offer and focus on the positives, rather than the negatives. As Taylor Swift sings in "Starlight," "Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change. You'll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way." It's all a matter of perspective and whether or not you choose to be content with your life.

My advice to all of you is to start taking some initiative in your life and maybe listen to the song, "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot to help motivate yourself into figuring out if you're "who you want to be." Invest in your future, whether that means going to school, studying up on how you can start your own business, or actually getting that certification you've been putting off because you're cheap and lazy. Sure, you might have to change course in the future, but it's better than living a passive life, waiting for things to happen to you. That's a sure fire way to end up with regrets. Instead, put some actual thought into what your dreams could be and trust that God will be with you every step of the way, even if you aren't sure you're making the proper decision. He's in everything that you do and will work things out in the end. If you refuse to formulate some dreams and goals in life, there's no possible way to strive towards them and achieve what you desire. Take some risks and don't fear failure. Your failures will actually serving as learning experiences in the long run. And for pete's sake, stop focusing so much on what others might think of you and your goals. That will only hold you back. Keep God at the center of everything and strive to please Him with your life. But whatever you do, desire to be content rather than happy. Happiness is not guaranteed, but we all have the ability to be content no matter the situation, for blessings and struggles are all a part of God's hidden plan for your life.

Pray for Boston and the Running Community

Photo courtesy of Linda Brain Beck

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~Isaiah 40:31

I'm sure most of you have heard the news by now, but two bombs went off near the finish line of the Boston Marathon today. This saddened me deeply on many levels. The fact that a senseless tragedy took place that injured and killed innocent people is almost unfathomable. My heart breaks for those impacted by this act of terror in Boston. There are no words to heal the physical and emotional wounds, but I would suggest reading Psalm 34:18, which says, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." God is the only one who can bring any sort of comfort after such an event as this.
Another reason this tragedy saddens me is the fact that it happened at a running event.  I understand the immense effort needed to qualify for the prestigious Boston marathon and the numerous amount of miles and hours necessary to train. This should have been a day of celebration for everybody, but instead it was marred by tragedy. Running is a peaceful sport, not one full of any type of violence. Sure there are fierce rivalries, but at the end of the day, we're all friends. Comradery is the essence of running. Just look at Mo Farah and Galen Rupp, or Kara Goucher and Shalane Flanagan; two fierce rivals who train together and have become friends. (The greatest moment out of today's marathon involved Kara crossing the finish line and immediately asking how Shalane finished). Those of us who are runners understand that the running community is more like a big family than anything else. If something bad happens to one runner, it's almost like it happened to us. Runners stick by each other through good and bad times, helping out when others are in need. Although many consider running an individual endeavor, it truly transcends boundaries and every runner looks out for another during races. I have so many fond memories from running and have built friendships along the way. I remember back in the 8th grade I was the only girl who would be running the mile at the local Hershey track & field meet and numerous members of the high school distance team decided to band together and join me for my mile run on the track, some of whom might have been wearing jeans if my memory serves me correctly. I also befriended members of other teams and although we were fierce rivals on the track or cross country course, we would laugh together and warmup together when we weren't racing. After high school, I have encountered many friendly runners who enjoyed my running outfits by telling me that I looked like an Easter egg and who helped me conquer obstacles during the Tough Mudder.
All that we can do now is pray. Pray for the runners. Pray for the spectators. Pray for the first responders. Pray for the doctors. We should even pray for those who are responsible, as difficult as that is to fathom. Everybody was created by God, and unfortunately sin has twisted the way people function in this world. It makes me long for my heavenly home because I don't belong here on this Earth. Philippians 3:20 states, "But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ." Events like the tragedy in Boston make it even more apparent that this world is slowly going to hell in a handbasket. I can't wait for the return of Jesus and life is what's described in Revelation 21:4 ~ "'He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'"
For now, us runners must band together and persevere. We can't allow this tragedy to impact our love of running or our desire to run the prestigious race in Boston. If we alter our thinking, we let the terrorists win. As runners, we must remember that what we do best is endure. We endure pain and suffering to achieve our dreams of finishing 5Ks, 10Ks, half marathons, marathons, ultras, trail races, and any race in between. We know what it's like to not know if we can take another step, but then we do because we refuse to give up on our dreams. So whether you're in shape or not, if you consider yourself a runner, I urge you to get outside and run tomorrow. Run for those who were impacted in Boston. Run for those who can no longer run. Run for those who may never be able to run the same way ever again. Whatever you do, make sure you run, whether it's 100 yards or 100 miles. Once a runner, always a runner!

Contrary to Popular Belief

An erroneous concept that society enjoys promoting is that we as humans are in charge of our own destiny. Sure, we can make decisions that impact our present and future, but we aren't truly in control of any strict outcomes. I have no control over what job I will end up with, or whether I'll get married and have kids. Yes, I can send in job applications to get my name in the mix for certain positions, but I have no clear control over the selection process. What we need to all realize and accept is that God is the one truly in charge.
I have been acutely aware of the fact that God is in control the past month and a half, specifically the past week. In my volunteer work, I have come across people who are at the end of their rope with no way out, and then "all of a sudden" a door is opened. The only reason a way out is ever provided is because of God. He knows what is best for us and if we put our lives in His hands, He will care for us. God can do the impossible if we are willing to lay down our pride and give Him all the credit. In Matthew 19:23-26, Jesus speaks about how it is very hard for a rich man to get into heaven. Jesus essentially says that it is impossible for man to save himself, but with God, all things are possible.
This week has emphasized the lack of control humans on their own have in life. My friend's cousin was in a car accident three weeks ago and is currently in a coma in need of a liver transplant. No matter what any of us do, we can't change her health, which is why I have started a prayer chain, telling anybody I know to pray for the situation because God is the one who can heal her. I was thankful that I was led to open my Bible the other night to Psalm 41:3, which says, "The Lord sustains him on his sickbed; in his illness you restore him to full health." This verse is what is providing me with the hope that God will heal my friend's cousin and restore her strength. Without God, it will be impossible. No human can possibly bring about her recovery, which is why we all must pray and relinquish control to God so that He can do His work and be glorified.

Satan: The Father of Lies

"'He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.'" ~John 8:44b-44d

Every Christian needs to know and be aware of the fact that any fears they have in this world are not of God, but derived from Satan. Satan knows our weaknesses and tells us lies in order to keep us from getting close to God. He is the prince of manipulation, even going so far as to twist God's own words to deceive Eve in the Garden and to tempt Jesus after his time in the desert. Like Jesus, we must rebuke Satan as a liar in order to keep him from having the upper hand in our lives.
Earlier this year, I penned a post entitled W.A.I.T. Part 8: Fear of Man, which outlined how fearing our fellow man causes us to stumble in evangelism. Some of my more recent posts also have the underlying theme of Satan utilizing our weaknesses to stall our progress as a Christian. I believe the reason behind my dwelling on fear and Satan is not only because we all need to be reminded of its origin and his existence, but also because it has been a personal struggle of mine as of late.
Doubt and fear have been all too familiar to me in the past. I believe I have allowed them to hinder me because rather than resting in God's love and joy, I insist on analyzing and reanalyzing my past failures. Through this unnecessary hyper-analysis of the negative, I believe I have developed within myself a touch of athazagoraphobia, or the fear of being forgotten or ignored, much like the psalmist who penned Psalm 31:12a, "I have been forgotten like one who is dead." I agree that this seems ridiculous and almost laughable, yet I know the fears that haunt my brain when I allow Satan to have his way. Satan likes to remind me of all of those who have walked away from me in life in order to make me doubt myself when I forage new friendships, especially with fellow believers. In moments of weakness, I can convince myself that certain people wouldn't possibly want to be friends with me or stay friends with me if they truly knew all about me, or I might drive them crazy by keeping in touch too frequently. Deep down I know this isn't true because I have maintained some strong friendships over the years, but I wanted to present a demonstration of how fear can infest one's whole train of thought and completely skew reality.
In order to keep Satan at bay, it is very important for Christians to utilize fellowship with other believers and to turn to God and the Bible. Fellowship and communication with other Christians is important because it doesn't allow us to become isolated, which is Satan's goal. The only way his deception can completely control us is if we separate ourselves from others and we keep our fears locked inside. As my pastor said in one of his sermons, "Suppressed fears can conquer us; speak out about your fears." Having Christian friends to go to with your fears is essential for overcoming them and growing closer to God. I'm thankful to have someone with whom I can be completely honest and receive valuable advice on how my thinking is skewed. When I expressed my fear of being an annoyance to friends, I was so thankful for her encouragement and her honesty. Some of the best advice I've ever received was this: "If you annoy them, they aren't the right people. You need to let go of it and just be yourself. You're not annoying, you're never a bother. You just seem to have friends that are jerks to you. Don't change yourself to accommodate someone else, especially when there is nothing wrong with you."
The amazing part about fellowship in the body of Christ is that advice from one member can help another member, even if they have never met, but have mutual friendships. This occurred recently in my life. Using the advice I received from a friend on my own fears, I was able to repackage and present fresh advice to another friend dealing with her own fears. In presenting my advice, I also encouraged myself to not be a hypocrite. I can't tell someone that "living in fear of screwing up isn't how to go through life and that the best thing you can do is be yourself," without being impacted by my own words. I must practice what I preach in order to bring life and meaning to my words so that I myself am not spewing out lies.
In our struggle with internal fears, it is also essential that we turn to God and His Word. As C.S. Lewis put it, "To what will you look for help if you will not look to that which is stronger than yourself?" God is bigger and stronger than our deepest fears, the great conqueror of the father of lies. In order to remind ourselves of this, we must delve into the Bible for instances where God assisted others plagued with fear.
Last week I came across the notes I took on a sermon back in May. It centered around the chapter of Joshua 8, and was aptly entitled "Facing Fear." My pastor spoke on how Joshua was fearing the upcoming battle at Ai due to his past failure there. He was reluctant to press forward because he was paralyzed by memories of failure. Joshua was in need of God's encouragement in order to get him to continue on rather than hesitate. God was aware of Joshua's fears, which is why God came to him in Joshua 8:1 and said, "'Do not fear and do not be dismayed. Take all the fighting men with you, and arise, go up to Ai. See, I have given into your hand the king of Ai, and his people, his city, and his land.'" This is exactly what Joshua needed to hear. He needed a reminder of God's faithfulness and that through Him, Joshua would be granted success in the future.
Getting caught up in past failures can put a damper on your future. Instead of dwelling on what's gone wrong in your life, get closer to God because He is greater than your fears. Only God can provide the soothing words that we need to press forward in life. Remember that God is always present in your life and won't forsake you. Take comfort in Psalm 139:1-3 ~ "O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways." Knowing that God is completely aware of your being and each aspect of your thoughts should draw you closer to Him. By having a relationship with Jesus, you will remain safe in the Father's arms, far from the reach of Satan. As Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote, "When the heart is flooded with love there is no room for fear, for doubt, for hesitation." By filling your mind with thoughts of love, your brain won't have time to process all of the fear and lies that Satan is trying to use to deceive you.
So continue to read your Bible in order to come to a better understanding of the ways of Jesus. In doing so, you will become enveloped in the joy and love that are ever present within Him. Building a strong bond with God is the best defense against the deception that Satan bombards you with.  Remember the words of 1 John 4:18, which says, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." Since God is love, fear will be far from Him. Those who live close to God reside within His love and won't be prone to unrelenting ambushes of fear from Satan. But if you ever do feel that fear is creeping in, rebuke Satan and discuss your fears with a close friend and God. They will help you through the difficult times and serve as a reminder to dwell in love, not fear.

The Word Needs to Be Read

"How would you know to be Christ-like if you don’t even read the Bible to know how Christ is." ~Francis Chan

I had a bit of a wake up call the other day. One of my blog followers brought to my attention that I might be a bit weak in the faith department if I'm so easily influenced by my coworkers, allowing the world to slowly control my actions. His suggestion was that I needed to make sure to read the Bible everyday so that I'm constantly immersed in the Word. Some might have a knee-jerk reaction of anger, but I was actually quite thankful for the carefully worded rebuke and advice.

In Galatians 5:16, we are told, "...walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh." But what I've come to realize is that one cannot understand the inner workings of the Spirit if the Word is not read. Only God can provide us with the wisdom on how to lead our lives and act in the world, and if the Bible is neglected, our faith weakens and we're easily influenced by the world that surrounds us on a daily basis. 

My follower suggested reading Psalm 51, which I found quite useful, particularly verse 51:10, which says, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Too often humans insist on going about their lives on their own without consulting God. Even though we are weak and sinful creatures, we continually insist that we know best. On the contrary, we are the ones most likely to bungle our lives and end up in a mess if we don't refresh our Spirit everyday by reading the Word and understanding how to walk as a Christian. It is my goal to make reading the Bible a priority in my life in order to help prevent being so easily influenced by the unbelievers who surround me on a regular basis.

Maundy Thursday, Bonhoeffer, and Birthday Reflections

Maundy Thursday is the day during Holy Week that marks two events in Jesus' ministry; Jesus washing His disciples' feet and the Last Supper and establishing the New Covenant. John 13:3-5 outlines the washing of feet: "Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." This act represents the reason Jesus came to Earth, which was to be a servant of God. Jesus demonstrated that He was not above serving others, and we should follow in His actions by serving our brothers and sisters in Christ. As Jesus said in John 13:16, "Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him."
The Last Supper also took place on what is remembered as Maundy Thursday. This was when Jesus and His disciples took part in the Passover Feast on the last night of Jesus' life. During this feast, Jesus predicted His betrayal, Peter's denial, and how He would be abandoned by His disciples. The most important event to occur during this meal, though, involved Jesus establishing the New Covenant with His people through the Lord's Supper or Communion. Mark 14:22-24 outlines this significant event: "While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying,'Take it; this is my body.' Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, and they all drank from it. 'This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many,' he said to them." As author Adam Hamilton stated in his book 24 Hours That Changed the World, "In this meal and through his death and resurrection, Jesus invited all humankind to become God's covenant people." This is the greatest blessing any of us could possibly receive if we accept Jesus into our hearts, and it is this blessing we must always remember when we take part in the Lord's Supper.
Another event that coincides with Maundy Thursday this year that is not as well known is the  69th anniversary of Dietrich Bonhoeffer being arrested by the Gestapo. Eric Metaxas outlines this event in his book Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy: "He knew what was happening: the Gestapo had finally made their move. They were at the Dohnanyis, searching the house. Bonhoeffer calmly went next door to see Ursula and told her what had happened and what would likely happen next: the Gestapo would arrive and arrest him too. She prepared a large meal for him, and then Bonhoeffer went back home to put his papers in order, since the Gestapo would be having a good look around, as was their habit. He had prepared for this moment for a long time and even left a few notes specifically for their benefit. Then he returned to the Schleichers and waited. At four o'clock Bonhoeffer's father came over and told him that two men wished to speak with him. They were upstairs in his room. It was Judge Advocate Manfred Roeder and a Gestapo official named Sonderegger. Bonhoeffer met them, and taking his Bible with him, he was escorted to their black Mercedes and taken away. He would never return."
It seems fitting that Bonhoeffer had his own last supper of sorts prepared by his sister as he awaited the Gestapo. Much like Jesus, who was aware of his own impending arrest, Bonhoeffer also dealt with a similar situation, but on a much lesser scale. I also find it quite interesting that Bonhoeffer made no attempt to flee the Gestapo, even though he knew that they were coming. But that just speaks to the character of the man that Bonhoeffer was. He knew his fate and was prepared to face it. His arrest was originally in connection with his work with the Abwehr, but it eventually became known that he was deeply involved in a coup and conspiracy against Hitler. This sealed his fate, and Bonhoeffer was eventually executed upon a decree from Heinrich Himmler. It seemed fitting for Bonhoeffer to die for actions backed by his faith considering he is maybe best known for the quote, "When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die."
My birthday seems much less significant when paired with the other events that are also commemorated on this day, April 5, 2012. Upon reflection of this past year, I think the opening to Paramore's "Hello Cold World" seem to best describe how I feel: "I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel like running through the walls. I'm overjoyed, I'm undecided, I don't know who I am." Needless to say, it's been a bit of a roller coaster ride. The highs include completing the Delaware Marathon and being awarded a Master of Science in Clinical Exercise Physiology. I was also blessed with the opportunity to travel extensively to Washington D.C., Germany, Paris, New Orleans, and New York City. Unfortunately, part of my twenty-third year seemed to hold an eery resemblance to "When I Go Down" by Relient K, specifically the line, "I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships." I had a lot go wrong in a very short period of time, and I had very few stick by my side during my darkest moments, which made me lose hope and trust. Thankfully, I grew closer to Christ in this period of my life and I held fast to Psalm 118:8, which says, "It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans." I am also thankful that after a period of a few months, I've been able to forgive those who hurt me and weren't even aware of the pain caused.
I'm also aware that some of my actions assisted in my own fate. That realization became even more apparent from listening to "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K on my way home from work yesterday. That came after I spent some time reading part of Adam Hamilton's 24 Hours That Changed the World. Here are two quotes that stuck with me from my reading: "It is worth considering, as we look at repentance and restoration, that although Jesus knew Judas would betray him, Peter would deny him, and the others would desert him, he still washed their feet...Jesus looked past their betrayal, their sins, and their failures and called them his friends," and "Remember, these close companions were not perfect. They had let him down and would do so again. One would even betray him. Still, they were the best friends he had; and they were with him as he approached his darkest hour." What I learned from the song and from these quotes is that I need to stop placing such high expectations on people. I need to remember that I'm a screwup and so is everybody else. We still stem from Adam and Eve, even though we can find new life with Christ. No matter what, we still have the dead sin within our hearts that can hinder our walk if we allow it. More importantly, I need to learn to be more like Christ. Despite the hurt or abandonment I might endure at the hands of my friends, I must still remember to forgive them for their actions because I'm sure I'm bound to do something insensitive or knuckle-headed that we need to be forgiven in the future. That's not just a guess. That's a fact.
Looking back on all that's happened in the past year, I'm a better person after enduring all of the events.  Much like a line from "24" by Switchfoot, (which seems fitting to listen to on my 24th birthday, an idea I got from a man who herded goats for Heidi), "I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago." I am continually learning each and every day and striving to better myself and my attitude as I encounter adversity and blessings in this life. My hope is to recapture hope and my ability to trust people. Every day won't be perfect, but each day is a chance to repair a broken friendship, enjoy laughs with an old friend, make new friends, or be thankful for the family that I have in my life.

W.A.I.T. Part 11: Who is Guiding Your Steps on the Path?

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." ~Proverbs 16:9

Many have this mistaken idea that they are in control of their own lives. They feel that they can seek their own destiny without consulting anybody, let alone God. The problem with this is that you can't lead the way in your own life when you don't have any idea about where you're going. Also, you can't just go with the flow because everybody else is since that is a sure fire way to end up on the path of destruction. We are warned about this by Jesus in Matthew 7:13 when he tells us to, "'Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.'" Gauging our progress based on worldly perspectives is a definite way to fail and end up floundering. What we need in order to thrive, is God. Believe me, I've learned this from experience in the not so distant past.

In Jeremiah 29:11, it says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" This is a promise that we can hold onto, if only we would just trust in the written Word. Unfortunately, we tend to lack patience and try to accomplish tasks our way without consulting the all knowing God. This is because Americans are raised to be go-getters, constantly accomplishing multitudes of tasks simultaneously, which doesn't leave much room for consulting God.
A good illustration for this can be found within the lyrics to the song "New York City" by Among Savages. The song seems to be about someone who felt that they could follow their dreams by moving to the city, which they feel will lead to answering all of their questions about life. On the contrary, what is said is, "Yeah, you came here with nothing and you're leaving with the same. Sometimes the road that you were walking on is going the wrong way." So easily we feel that we are on the right path in life, but then we discover we were wrong all along. This song goes on to say, "Now if you leave, will you feel defeated? Cause you didn't take from the city as much as the city took from you. What if you'd stayed? What if you'd done what you were thinking? I'd rather you give up on life in the city than giving up on life too." When people become so convinced that they are traveling on the right path in life, it can be absolutely devastating when reality knocks on the door and you have to admit that you were wrong all along. Many end up playing the "what if" game instead of focusing on the new path that is before them at the base of that closed door. It can be so easy to just shut down and give up on life all together if all you had to hold onto was that one unmet dream. One needs to realize that there is life beyond the fading dream. I think that's why at the end of the song there is a line that says, "Follow your dreams, but beware of the illusions. You won't fill the void in your heart with a bank statement and a car." These material objects are what tend to drive people who attempt to control their own destiny, but they are missing the entire point of life, being gravely deceived. Those who crave only objects of monetary value are the ones most likely to give up on life completely after they stumble and fall in the mud on the path of their dream. What they truly should be seeking to fill any void in life is Jesus.
Jesus is the missing piece to everybody's puzzle. He is our guide and should be the one who leads the way in our lives. Back in the fall, I neglected my relationship with Jesus and my path seemed to lead only to despair. Life wasn't what I thought it would be and my dreams seemed to be crumbling faster every week. I needed to realize that God was in charge and that I wasn't. Though it took time, I finally accepted the trials that I was facing and I've gotten better at allowing God to guide my steps. Psalm 37:23-24 has really helped because it says, "The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." I have surely stumbled numerous times in the past couple of months, but trusting more in God and knowing that their is a reason behind the path that I'm currently on has helped me to thrive more as a Christian. I'm slowly beginning to look to other's needs instead of remaining so focused on my own. Though I still have a long way to go on this path in life, I believe that God knows exactly what He wants of me. I may not know my purpose, but I know I have a purpose in Him. I want to thrive as He leads the way.
And on those days when it's hard to just crawl out of bed, I'll think of the chorus to the song "Carry On" by Fun:

If you're lost and alone

Or you're sinking like a stone

Carry on

May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground

Carry on

Why Aren't I Thriving?: A Multi-Part Series

I have decided to try something a little different with this blog. In order to expand upon my last post about trying to thrive in God's love, I have decided to start a brief series outlining potential roadblocks to thriving that I learned about in the past year. I think it's very important to be aware of potential struggles along the narrow path and I think this "Why Aren't I Thriving?," or W.A.I.T., series is a way to explore these issues.
This year I am determined to live with a deeper awareness of my surroundings and with a deeper awareness of the people in my life. I gained some inspiration and desire to change while listening to the song, "The Redeemer," by Sanctus Real. This song is a reminder to move forward and thrive despite finding yourself down for the count. Even if it means starting over completely, it is totally worth it in the long run in order to follow the path and purpose God has planned for your life. The following is the song in its entirety:

Sometime I just wanna start over

'Cause everything looks like a wreck

And I need the courage to carry on

'Cause I can't see what's ahead

And there are places I've wished I could be

Battles I've wanted to win

Dreams that have slipped through my hands

I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer

Oh, I lost my faith in so many things

But I still believe in You

'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say

All the things that are easy to hear

Ignore the injustice we see

And explain every unanswered prayer

But I'd rather speak honestly

And wear a tattered heart on my sleeve

"Cause in the middle of my broken dreams

Redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer

Oh, I lost my faith in so many things

But I still believe in You

"Cause You are the answer, the Redeemer

Oh, I've given up on too many things

But I'm not giving up on You

"Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life

But I'm trusting You one day at a time

"Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive

Forever

And this is where heaven and earth collide

I lift my hands, I give my life

This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer, still a believer

And You are the answer, the Redeemer

"Cause You can make anything new

Yeah, You can make anything new

On a final note, I would like to call to your attention Psalm 37:23-24, which reminds us that the Lord will not forsake us, even when we stumble. As I launch the W.A.I.T. series, meditate on these words in order to focus on thriving: "The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand."

Coalescence of Idolatry and Pride

Psalm 31:6 "I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me, I trust in the Lord."

Like the psalmist says, idols are worthless. We are warned numerous times to separate ourselves from or flee from idols. Particular verses that come to mind include 1 Corinthians 10:14 "Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry," and 1 John 5:21 "Dear children, keep yourselves from idols." But what exactly are idols? Many people are familiar with the term, especially in the title of the hit show American Idol, but few understand its true meaning. There are some who believe that idols are just other gods that people choose to worship. They aren't wrong in this assumption, but they are missing a portion of the picture. Idolatry is not just worshipping false gods. Idolatry involves anything that you focus on or depend on more than God. One definition lists an idol as, "one that is adored, often blindly or excessively." Some people focus too much on celebrities, musicians, or athletes compared to God, which in a sense turns those objects into idols. Others seem to worship knowledge, technology, or themselves. The most prominent idol in society today, though, is money. So many people try to store away this so-called precious commodity without realizing they are truly worshipping it. The devastation that comes from idolizing money and getting caught up in greed is devastating. At the beginning of the Great Depression when the stock market first crashed in October 1929, numerous people committed suicide because they lost their life savings. It's scary to think that people are so willing to give up on living when all of their money is stripped away. Then again, I'm not surprised because we are warned about the power of money in 1 Timothy 6:10, which states, "For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." We must not allow our love of money and wealth to hinder our walk with God. Eternal life is much more precious than anything that can be bought here on Earth. My request is that you try to steer your focus away from your idols and back to God. No matter what the focus, if it isn't on God, there is definitely a problem. I think Jonah expresses this best when he states in Jonah 2:8,  "Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them." If we are constantly placing everything else before our love for God, then we are really losing out and missing the point of our life here on Earth, which is to glorify Him. 

I will be the first to admit that I have struggled with keeping God a priority in my life. I didn't realize it at the time, but there was a portion of my life where I relied heavily on other people, whether it was family or friends, to help get me through difficult times in my life. Forming close relationships with people is not a bad thing, but when you become dependent on them and turn to them in the face of chaos before turning to God, then something is bound to give way and implode. And that's exactly what happened to me. God definitely got my attention when he stripped away my closest relationships in order to get me to focus completely on Him. God knew I wasn't depending on Him in my deepest times of need, so in an effort to recapture that focus, God took away my distractions. It was staggering the impact it had on me, but I have become a better person for it. In hindsight, now that the cloud of devastation has cleared, I realize that it was necessary for my path to diverge from certain relationships in order to get back on the narrow path towards God. Now that I'm in the rebuilding phase of my social life, I am much more conscious of God and what He wants for my life. I am careful not to get caught up in that dependence of people, though going to friends for council and comfort is not a bad thing, as long as it doesn't trump my need for God.

What I have learned about myself, and what I assume about others, is that idols sprout up in our lives because we feel that we know what is best for us. Instead of remembering Scripture and the fact that God knows what is best for all of Creation, we become arrogant and prideful assuming that we know better than God. This is definitely not a good place to be in. Author, C.S. Lewis, put it this way in Mere Christianity: "It was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind." We must not forget that we are mere, imperfect humans. In the grand scheme of things, we don't even know what good is, let alone what might benefit us in the long run. Lewis continues by stating, "As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you." This is exactly what happens to those prideful humans who are caught up in the fog of idolatry. They can't see anything outside of their idol because they are completely consumed by it and do not understand that it is essential to focus on God for their needs, as opposed to believing they know what is best. Lewis's concluding thoughts related to pride are expressed in this way: "For Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense." Pride is a disaster because it prevents us from being able to follow through with God's greatest commandment, which is to love one another, as God loved us (John 13:34). This is probably why God has such strong opposition to the proud. We are to follow His commands and bring Him glory, but if we spend our time here on Earth trying to glorify ourselves, we fall short. The next time you consider that you have a handle on your life, check yourself. Remember that God is sovereign and should always be glorified. And keep in mind what is stated in Proverbs 16:5 ~ "The Lord detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished."

Communication is Necessary in Any Relationship

"What we've got here is a failure to communicate." ~Cool Hand Luke

I think it is human nature to long to have one person in your life that you can always count on. It is natural to want to have that kind of close relationship with another person to the point that you don't even hesitate to call them when something good or bad happens in life. But that kind of relationship takes time and effort to build. One cannot expect a friend they met yesterday to drop everything to help in a crisis. It takes months or even years to build a solid relationship with anybody, and steady communication is the glue that holds the foundation of that relationship together. It would be ridiculous to assume a close bond existed with someone you only talked to once every couple months. You would be mere acquaintances at best. No, a close relationship requires communication at least once per week to remain strong. That doesn't necessarily have to be face to face, but nor can it be superficial. There must be genuine interest on both ends to set aside time for certain people who are important in our lives.

The same goes for your relationship with God. It is God's will for us to pray to Him in order to maintain a relationship, as stated in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ~ "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." In order for it to be successful, you must make time for Him on a daily basis, at the very least. Only praying to God out of necessity due to a crisis will not lay the bricks for a solid foundation on which to build a relationship. This only breeds a very inconsistent relationship with God, which lacks any true desire on your part to get to know Him and give well-deserved praise in the good times and bad. 

It is important to be open with the Lord and trust Him. Philippians 4:6-7 states, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." We seem to forget that God knows all and can help us through each and every situation if only we just communicated with Him. By neglecting your relationship with God, you are hindering your spiritual life and impeding any potential growth. Some feel that God simply won't hear their prayers. Again, this neglects the fact that God is ever present in our lives. When you begin to doubt that God doesn't hear your prayers, refer to Jonah 2:1-2, which states, "From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God. He said: 'In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me. From deep inside the realm of the dead I called for help, and you listened to my cry." If God heard Jonah from inside the belly of a fish, I believe that God will hear you no matter where you are in this world. Psalm 145:18-19 can also build your confidence in the fact that the Lord hears your prayers because it says, "The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them." He is never far away from His creation and those He loves unconditionally. So we must remain steadfast and earnest in our prayer life in order to get to know Him.
What some seem to forget is that selfishness builds walls in any relationship. If you require your friends to always do what you want without ever considering their feelings or opinions, they probably won't remain your friends very long. This relates to your prayer life as well. Selfish prayers most likely will not be answered, unless God has a specific purpose behind it. The best way to pray is to mirror Jesus, whose walk was blameless and in line with the Father. As stated in 1 John 5:14-15, "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him." All prayers and prayer requests must be made in accordance to God's will. God desires to be glorified and should be glorified, and all prayers should express that. Selfish desires with ulterior motives will not be answered and promoted. So the next time you find yourself wondering why your prayer has seemingly gone unanswered, instead of blaming God, look back at how you prayed because you are the flaw in the system. Patience is also key because God has a plan for everything and your prayers will be answered according to His time schedule, and not yours. So go and pray and build your relationship with your Father in heaven. 

Refreshed!

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." ~Hebrews 10:25

"Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people; praise his holy name." ~Psalm 30:4

Yesterday was thoroughly refreshing for me. In church, members spoke about how God had blessed them throughout the year and expressed why they were thankful. During the afternoon, I came across new songs by the band The City Harmonic. I purchased some of these songs and the lyrics really spoke to me. The song "I Have a Dream (It Feels Like Home)" has these lines:

O we will meet

Our souls are longing 

We'll be a symphony of peace

Brothers and sisters will be free

Thank God Almighty they'll be free

It is awesome to look forward to what we have waiting for us in heaven, and this song does a great job expressing that fact. 

The song "Spark" has these lines: 

Could a spark of Your love light the whole church on fire

When we care for our neighbor
More than we care for style
When we breathe in
Hope we breathe in
Create some meaning God
When we breathe out
Peace will breathe out
Just to breathe out love

I love how God's love is expressed in terms of being a spark because that's all that is needed to ignite something really great. It makes me think of forest fires that can consume acres upon acres of land from just one match spark. The immensity of God's love and how it envelopes us is just amazing.

The song "Mountaintop" reminds us that God saved us from this lowly world using the lines, The valley low that's where we'll make our homes, but this I know that's what He saved us from. We forget our great potential for settling in the valleys of life. We need to charge up the hills to the mountaintop where we belong to proclaiming the glory of God. 

The last song that I bought was called "Wake Me Up." The following lines are my favorite:

How long, how long will the river run dry
Cause I'm so busy living I forgot to be alive...

Cause when You sound You bring to life
Even my darkest of nights
Wake me up to shine...

Yeah, I've come home like a prodigal son
If home's where the heart is that is in the hands of God
And that is just where my heart belongs
Turn on the light, come on wake me up

I really like how this song reflects how much God longs for us to come back to Him. We must escape our little worlds and remember to live for the Lord. He is the source of all light in our lives and we must desire for Him to wake us up to the life we were meant to live.

In the evening, I met with a friend for frappucinos and discussed life, baking, and foreign accents. Definitely a friendship that will strengthen with time because we each know that God blessed us with the timing of us becoming friends. This was followed by Bible Study in Coopersburg, which is just a great place to have fellowship with other believers. We had a teaching from Matthew 9, which was very enlightening. My favorite part of the evening, though, was the lengthy conversations. I talked with numerous people about varying topics, but the best conversations were those that got me to think deeper. I hardly ever get to have deep theological discussions with anyone anymore for various reasons, and it was great to be able to sit and talk about different theological ideas, and also how current events could impact the church. Two Penn State students home on break explained the impact of the scandal and how outsiders perceive it in such a different light. We also discussed the possible implications it could have on youth group attendance for the area because people may begin to question the safety, all because of a scandal on the other side of the state. Other concepts, such as how to have righteous anger and maintain the compassion of Christ, anti-Baptist theology and what to have assurance in, oral tradition vs. historical accuracy and believing the Word of God over archaeological discoveries made by humans, being weary of allegorical meanings within Scripture, and the impact of pantheists were all discussed amongst a handful of us who stayed late. I was very intrigued by all of the topics and the questions that were asked to expand upon particular ideas. It was definitely a refreshing evening with fellow believers that I desperately needed and am quite thankful for, even though I didn't get home until 1:30am. In my mind, it was totally worth it.

Seek God's Wisdom in Times of Turmoil: Gaining Discernment and Guarding Your Heart After or From Betrayal

Betrayal is always hard to swallow. Anger and panic tend to ensue when we choose to live in our flesh, as opposed to turning to God. And even when we pray for understanding and forgiveness, it can be hard to get rid of the bitter taste left behind in our mouths. King David speaks of the pain endured when facing betrayal. Some believe that Psalm 55:12-14 mirrors the betrayal Jesus felt when Judas turned him over to the authorities. This passage states, "If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God."
Our first instinct might be to harden our hearts towards whoever has betrayed us. This never solves anything and only harms your peace of mind in the long run. Immediate forgiveness also is not a smart route because it does not allow for complete healing internally. One can claim to have forgiven someone, but if anger and bitterness are still anchored in their heart, true forgiveness and healing have not taken place.
I found some intriguing words from Reverend Douglas Showalter on this topic. In an article entitled Forgiveness: Through Gritted Teeth or a Journey of the Heart?, he speaks about how many feel it is their "Christian duty" to forgive others quickly. The following is his response to this misconception:
"I ask you: aren't there times when you and I have the intense heat of coals burning within us? Someone deeply wrongs us or betrays us, and suddenly a coal fire is ignited within us. Our chests burn with pain, with anger, and sometimes even with the desire to get revenge: to hurt the one who has hurt us--or our loved ones--so wrongly. Fiery red coals burn within us. But then we are told, by a well-meaning friend--or our own guilty conscience--that to be a good Christian, we must always forgive quickly and completely. We Christians often assume it's a law of our faith--virtually carved in stone--that we should always forgive quickly. But let me ask you, have you ever tried to put out a coal fire quickly? It usually can't be done. Oh yes, one can dump buckets of water in a hot cast-iron stove, and likely see the stove itself break up. But short of that, it takes time for burning coals to be extinguished. And so I think it is after a serious injury: I think it usually takes time for our pain, anger, and any ill will we may feel, to be extinguished. For like fiery red coals, our deeply negative feelings rarely go out in an instant--just because we want them to. Usually, it takes time to be rid of these things. In fact, it takes a process of inner healing--and such healing cannot be rushed."
We are called to maintain unity with fellow Christians, so reconciliation after forgiveness is the best policy in the long run. That does not mean that a relationship will be normalized overnight. It takes time to mend from betrayal and this process must not be forced or expedited. In my opinion, one should never rush into forgiveness. It'll take patience to move past the awkward stages when you first encounter those who have hurt you in the past, but with some conscious effort, one day things will be okay again. Much like a crumpled piece of paper, it takes time to iron out all of the creases.
During these times, it is best to seek discernment from God's Word in order to protect oneself from future betrayal, and also to determine how to respond to one who has betrayed you. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." This bit of wisdom suggests that we should not rush into matters of the heart, whether it is an intimate relationship with the opposite sex or a new friendship. Other advice on this matter can be found within Proverbs 12:26 ~ "A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." I believe these proverbs can also be applied to friendships that one already holds. You might be called to re-evaluate the impact that certain individuals have on your life and how they shape you. God has a purpose for each person He brings into your life, but you must pray for discernment in order for that purpose to be revealed to you.
God also warns us to be discerning when we encounter the following types of individuals: false friends and those of poor character. In order to protect our hearts, we must become acutely aware of these two types of individuals. The first that I am going to address is the false friend. These individuals feign interest in your life and put on a really good act of compassion, but it is only for their own gain. These individuals believe that they can use you at their own convenience and see no harm in doing so because they are unaware of anybody else's happiness or well-being. They prey on people to meet their own needs and then move on once they are satisfied. In the long run, the whole friendship is just a fallacy. The Book of Psalms warns us to be on the lookout for such individuals. Psalm 28:3 states, "Do not drag me away with the wicked, with those who do evil, who speak cordially with their neighbors but harbor malice in their hearts" while Psalm 55:21 puts it this way: "His speech is smooth as butter, yet war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords."

Individuals of poor character can also impact our lives in a negative fashion if we don't protect ourselves. We can easily be lead astray by those individuals that we strive to be friends with because they appear to be popular in society. Little do we realize that these people travel the wide path to destruction, rather than the narrow path that leads to life. That is why Proverbs 13:20 says, "He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." I'm not saying that you should avoid certain people in society, but I am suggesting that you maintain your morals and judgement when difficult situations arise with these people. They will most likely pressure you into trying things that make you uncomfortable. Anybody who does that really does not have your best interests in mind. If they make it seem like you won't be cool or won't be accepted by them, it might be best to just walk away. Try not to fall for these traps because, as 1 Corinthians 15:33 states, "Do not be misled:'Bad company corrupts good character." The longer you remain in the company of these individuals, the more you will turn into them if you are not discerning, for we all try to emulate our friends or supposed friends. In the end, be sure to pray to the Lord to seek His wisdom and guidance in all situations in order to protect your heart and determine what people should be a part of your life.