Winter: A Season of Melancholy

You’re the God of seasons

I’m just in the winter

~Seasons by Hillsong Worship

Within Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4, we are reminded that, "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven," and specifically, "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." We have a tendency to forget that life has an natural ebb and flow that brings various seasons into our lives. Not everyday is going to be sunshine and roses, but at the same time, not everyday is going to be dark and gloomy. Seasons are necessary for growth when it comes to crops and our spiritual lives.

If I'm to be honest, I'm currently in a season of melancholy. There is no particular cause, and it's very hard to describe to someone who hasn't dealt with this particular circumstance in their life, though I doubt dealing with some trust issues lately has very helpful. In essence, in my attempt to avoid a depression, I ended up over compensating into anxiety, and out of desperation to get that to stop, I believe I shutdown emotionally as a means of self preservation. Charles Spurgeon himself wrote about his own experiences with depression stating, "There is a kind of mental darkness in which you are disturbed, perplexed, worried, troubled - not, perhaps, about anything tangible." It's very much like what Zach Eswibe wrote in his book Spurgeon's Sorrows: "We can finally go numb. It is as if we shut down and feel so much that we feel nothing at all." And to quote Switchfoot, "You want peace but there's war in your head," or more precisely, "I get caught chasing my own illusions. I get so lost in these confusions. I keep on looking for my own solutions." Needless to say, I have become well acquainted with Psalm 42:11, which states, "Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God." 

I'm sure there are some of you out there who are not well acquainted with depression, anxiety, or melancholy who might ask why I can't just "snap out of it." And I know other well meaning people who would suggest I pray, focus on God as my source of joy, read Scripture, or listen to some uplifting music or sermons. Guess what? I have, and I feel nothing. Like seriously, nothing. I knew this was definitely a problem when I was listening to I Will Be Undignified by Rend Collective and would tap my foot along to the music, but sensed absolutely no enthusiasm. I dare you to listen to that song and not want to just get up and dance, and please do, because I just can't force myself to right now. I exhaust myself daily trying to elicit the proper emotional responses to particular situations. I desire joy and long to feel something at all, whether happiness or sadness. I have my moments where I crack a smile, but that dissipates quickly. I listen to sermons on joy and totally understand and agree where the pastors are coming from, but can't feel. It's the weirdest thing ever, honestly.

Now I know this sounds like an awful experience, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody in my life, but it has been a learning experience for me. It's grounded me in Scripture and I have focused more on my relationship with God, rather than on my relationships with people. In the course of listening to one particular sermon yesterday, I felt rather convicted about my struggle for control in my life. It exposed my lack of trust in people and not thinking the best of them, but more importantly, it exposed my lack of trust in God, which is certainly sinful. He's the Creator of the universe and knows all of the particulars of my life, yet I am still foolish enough to think I know what's best for me. Absolutely ridiculous on my part. So, if you are reading this, please pray for me about this particular area of my life so that I may gain some humility. James 5:16 reminds us, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."

While this current state of melancholy is not exactly what I would like to be dealing with right now, I know that God is using this season to shape me for the future. He knows the reasoning behind it, and that's all that really matters. I know He is still paying attention to me because I got a text from a friend telling me that I'm a blessing to her and others and I have gotten texts from people that I don't normally hear from. One was a picture of my friend's nephew wearing the lederhosen onesie I bought him in Germany and the other was from a friend who I used to do a Bible study with in college when he was going through a difficult time in his life. He texted to thank me for helping him through one of the most spiritually difficult times of his life and for being one of the driving forces to get him to where he is today. That was totally God giving me encouragement through this season and reminding me to not give up hope because He still has work to do through me. I will continue surviving each day for His sake. In the words of Romans 12:12, I will be, "rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfast in prayer." This is my season of patient endurance for the faith.

If all I know of harvest

Is that it’s worth my patience

Then if You’re not done working

God I’m not done waiting

You can see my promise

Even in the winter

Cause You’re the God of greatness

~Seasons by Hillsong Worship

Have Enough Faith to Follow When God Calls You

For me, this past month has been one big leap of faith and I have constantly had to rely on God for the answers. But I think it served as a good reminder to me that He is always in charge, down to the most miniscule details in this world. Luke 12:7 states, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." This verse has stuck with me ever since the beginning of February when I flew to Chicago for a job interview. It was a job that I had absolutely no background in, but the hiring manager wanted to meet with me anyway, so on February 4th, I found myself on a plane bound for Chicago, despite snow accumulations the previous day. The snow began again as soon as I reached Chicago, but I was able to get to my interview on time thanks to a pre-ordered cab. The interview went well enough and served as good practice, but I was unsure how I felt about potentially working in this Midwestern city. It was still snowing outside, so I took a train back to Union Station in the heart of Chicago in the hopes to find a place with Wi-fi to see if there were flights out of Chicago that night since I didn't want to find myself stranded indefinitely in Chicago. As soon as I could get online, I noticed that all of the flights to LaGuardia were already cancelled, so I opted to not stress over it because the weather was out of my control. I was able to meet up with a friend from high school to attend trivia night at a local bar and then had a free place to spend the night.
The next morning I slept in a bit, but then began constantly checking the weather because the snow storm was not going away. My flight was scheduled for 5:52pm on February 5th, but my airline was already emailing me stating that it might be best for me to change my flight. At that time, my flight was still on time, so I did what any normal person would do; I headed out into the snow in search of the only known Nutella bar in the USA so I could enjoy a tasty breakfast. Since it was bitterly cold out, I opted out of any other sightseeing and headed back to my friend's apartment to back and get to O'Hare. When I got back, though, I realized that my flight was delayed until 7:22pm. With the extra time, I raided the kitchen for some Tostitoes and surfed the internet before it was time for me to go. When I went to print my boarding pass, though, I realized that my flight had gotten moved up to 6:52, so I headed out immediately. Getting off the train, I struck up a conversation with a woman who was bound for a meeting in Arkansas. We discussed healthcare and being patient in finding jobs, trusting that everything happens for a reason. It was a pleasant reminder to me that I have the ability to strike up a conversation with anybody, something that would come in rather handy for me later in the month, unbeknownst to me. Security went smoothly, though I was the random person that was pulled out of line to have their hands swabbed, but that did bless me with getting put in the expedited TSA line where I didn't have to take my shoes off. I wandered to my gate and sat there waiting to board. It got to be 6:40 and we still weren't boarding, so I was beginning to wonder if my flight would actually leave. About that time, the sign changed saying that the flight was delayed until 7:10. Around 7pm, all zones were called to board immediately and I was soon in the air back to New York, thanks be to God.
Upon landing at LaGuardia, I pulled out my hat and gloves in preparations for trudging to my car in long term parking. After a quick walk, I found it under some snow and a casing of ice. I went to turn it on in order to warm it up, but all I heard was "click click click." I thought to myself that that wasn't a good sign, but I distinctly remember not panicking. Instead, I opted to clean off my car and then try again, thinking maybe it was just because it was really cold. I tried again, but only my radio would turn on. Otherwise, my battery was dead. Again, though, I didn't panic. I made a mental note that I had AAA and could call them, but I didn't know if it'd be a hassle to get someone into long term parking at LaGuardia. Plus, it was 10:30pm, so I wasn't sure how long a wait it would be. So I did the next logical thing. I started to walk back to the terminal in search of a maintenance guy who could maybe jump my car. On my way back to the terminal, though, I came across a couple that was cleaning off their car. I went over and asked them for help and they thankfully obliged. Within 10 minutes, my car was running and I was on my way to East Stroudsburg. The fact didn't elude me that God was watching over me, and that if it wasn't for Him, I would be stuck. If my plane hadn't been delayed, there's no telling if anybody else would have been in that parking lot to help me out of my predicament.
Fast forward two weeks to me in North Carolina. I had spent ten days with friends in Atlantic Beach while I waited for a reply from the job in Chicago. I packed everything into my car and was two hours into my drive when I got a phone call from Jim telling me he had just gotten off the phone with someone from Samaritan's Purse saying that they could maybe use me as a team leader for the deployment in Moncks Corner, SC. My first reaction was to laugh and ask if he was kidding because I had no desire to be a team leader, but I also knew it was important to be obedient. I hesitated, though, because I had no work clothes or boots with me and was still waiting to hear back from the job interview. I found a Starbucks to email the guy who interviewed me, anticipating that he would get back to me within the hour because he was always on top of his communications. After an hour, though, I still had no response. After the second hour, I began to realize that I couldn't stay in limbo at Starbucks forever, so I called home to talk things over with my mom. The more I talked, the more I felt lead to go to South Carolina. I would be acting selfishly if I chose to come home just because I was tired of being away. She also said that maybe God wanted me to make a decision based on faith, not knowing what the outcome in Chicago would be. So I texted Jim and found myself driving back down to Morehead City. The closer I got there, though, the more I really wasn't sure about my decision. My mind was racing with "what ifs" and it just seemed a bit crazy to just up and go to South Carolina when I might have to move to Chicago in two weeks. And the more I thought about Chicago, the more anxious I got, secretly hoping I wouldn't get the job. I talked to Jim and Jeni on the phone that evening and they both reassured me that I would regret not going to South Carolina because I would be at home with nothing to do. Also, Jeni had formulated plans A-C for me. A being I didn't get the job, B being that I got the job and could fly back to NC to drive to PA, and C being that I negotiated a later start date for the job. With those options, there was no arguing. I was going to South Carolina. It made me think of Proverbs 16:9, which says, "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." I had never considered going to South Carolina because no overnight volunteers were being accepted, but God wanted me there. It was in the complete opposite direction of where I was headed, but God got me going towards the place He wanted me. Sure I questioned it at first, but I was willing to trust God and head on down to Moncks Corner, and what a blessing that was.
When I first arrived in Moncks Corner, I was pleasantly surprised to see some familiar faces of people I had served with before, such as Chaplain Alice, Amy, Dale, and Kenny. That evening we had a site management meeting and it came to my attention that I was never put on the list of people who were supposed to be in Moncks Corner, but Jim vouched for me and I was allowed to stay. It was just one of the many ways God's hand was in my adventure in South Carolina because if I looked at it from man's perspective, I didn't belong there and shouldn't have been there. That first night I caught up on life with Alice and befriended the other chaplain named Rose. I admitted to Alice that I hadn't been fully trusting God to lead me in my job search, which came to light when I told her about all I had done to apply and she boldly asked, "And where is God in this process?" Rose, who had just met me, said it looked like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and that I needed to let it go, so after a good cry and some prayers from them both, I went to bed that first night. The next morning, some of my anxiety had left me and I was able to enjoy a warm morning picking up sticks in someone's yard. I discussed with Jim the fact that I was still unsure about Chicago and still had not heard anything. He told me to focus on God and pray about the situation. I finally did hear back, and was pleasantly relieved to realize I didn't have to move to Chicago for work.

Over the course of the next 11 days, God blessed me abundantly thanks to my willingness to listen to Jesus' words in Matthew 16:24, which says, "...'If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'" I was able to put aside my desire to go home and be comfortable and serve God where He needed me. Chaplain Alice felt bad that I only had a egg carton foam roll to sleep on, so she went out and bought me an air mattress to sleep on. Also, she happened to have a pair of polka dot rubber boots she never planned on wearing, so I acquired proper footwear to work in for the rest of the deployment. Along with that, I never actually had to serve as a team leader, which greatly eased my anxiety. I believe God was thankful for my willingness to serve him, but understood my anxiety and reservations behind serving as a team lead. Instead, I either worked as a normal volunteer or spent time assessing since there were not many volunteers. Moncks Corner sure brought to light Luke 10:2, where Jesus said, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few." There was plenty of work to be done and souls in need of salvation, but limited numbers of volunteers. God answered our prayers, though, and provided us with the Changed Lives ministry, some sailors from the United States Navy, and a group of men from Calvary Chapel in St. Petersburg, Florida, which got diverted from Augusta to come serve in Moncks Corner. Each and every one of them played an important role in God's story in serving the community in this section of South Carolina. Not only did they help clean up trees and yards, but they blessed me and the homeowners by sharing their testimonies. I was working hand in hand with individuals who battled against addiction, faced homelessness for one reason or another, or were pickpockets before God saved them, and we all banded together in this one place in order to serve Jesus Christ.
I gained some much needed advice from one man about ministering to my father because he was struggling with a similar situation. He also reminded me the importance of reading the Bible and forming a strong relationship with Jesus because he told me that he opted for a year in prison rather than another AA or NA program because he wanted to read his Bible. That served as a great reminder as to how our mindsets must differ from the worlds, and that our most important role in this life is to be a servant of Jesus, no matter how strange that may seem to everybody else. This man emphasized his point by having me read Romans 12:1-2, which says, "I appeal to you therefore brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect," and explain to him what I thought it meant.

The biggest blessing, though, came from serving the homeowners and being used by God to impact their lives, and they impacted mine in return. Many of the people we served were widows in their 70s or 80s. I met an amazing 82 year old who had been out with her chainsaw the day before until it stopped working. That seemed to go along with the determination she had all her life to be a mechanic, crane operator, NIS agent, and she also built her own house over the course of two years.

One woman in particular, named Lillie, blessed me immensely. She lived alone, but said she was never alone because God's always with her. She exuded joy just from spending her hours with Him, and that was something I desperately needed to be reminded of. I spend lots of time by myself, but as Lillie said, "Suffering from loneliness is your own fault, because God is always by your side each and everyday." Another moment that touched my heart came on the porch of a couple on a cold rainy day. It was a day that I was struggling because it was cold and damp and I was unmotivated to work. Our last work order for the day was at this woman named Silvia's, but then her neighbor came over to ask if we could trim a limb and pray for her husband who had stage four cancer. After we finished the physical labor, we escorted Silvia to the porch of her neighbor's in order to share the Gospel and ask the couple if they knew where they would go if they were to die. Both were not totally sure, so Jim outlined our need for a Savior and asked if they were willing to accept. The man still wasn't sure, but the woman was willing, so Jim prayed over her. After that, Jim asked the man one more time and he practically jumped forward and said something to the effect of, "Let's do this." So we laid hands on him and began to pray and immediately the man began shaking and sobbing. Throughout the course of the prayer by Jim, God was moving everyone because there was a distinct chorus of sniffles on that porch. Upon the prayer's completion, the majority of us were wiping our eyes because we could feel the power of God in that moment, and honestly, I don't know anything other than Jesus that has the power to reduce so many grown men to tears. We then ended our stay at that house with a rousing rendition of "Amazing Grace," which solidified the message of us all needing a Savior to save us from the wretched sin in our lives.
All in all, I am ever so thankful for God leading me to Moncks Corner, SC. I came away with many new friends, and was so touched to experience numerous God moments with this team. God provided me with the faith to turn around and follow His plan and not my own. Each and every detail was intricately planned out by Him, and I was finally tuned in to take notice. It was also a blessing to hear that people were cheered by seeing my glowing smile in the mornings, which encouraged me, especially on the days that I was dealing with spiritual warfare and on the brink of teetering into a depression. And even though we were at first discouraged by the lack of volunteers in the community, God provided those who were necessary to get the job done to remind us that we were serving Him and not ourselves. In closing, I'll leave you with the words of the apostle Paul, which he wrote in 1 Corinthians 15:58 ~ "Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."

Outward Expression of Inward Faith: Baptism Testimony

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. 

~Romans 6:4

I didn’t grow up going to church, but there was a Bible in the house that I would periodically flip through towards the end of middle school. It wasn’t until I was 15, though, that I truly believed God existed. A family friend’s daughter was in need of a liver transplant and there was a message on our answering machine asking for prayer one night in December 2003 because a donor match had been found and the transplant surgery was going to be that night. That message was left a few days after my dad had gotten back from Germany to visit his dying father, so before I went to bed, I said a little prayer for God to watch over the surgery and to have mercy on my grandfather so he didn’t have to suffer anymore. The next morning I could hear my parents talking in the kitchen saying that the transplant surgery had gone well, for which I was thankful. My dad wandered upstairs and asked me if I’d heard so I told him yeah that all was well after the surgery. His response was, “Yea and Opa died last night.” After I got past the initial shock of him passing away came the realization that God must truly exist since I had two prayers answered in one night.
Upon further exploration in the Bible and gaining an understanding of my family history, I became more aware that things didn’t just happen by chance and that God was in charge. By many accounts, I should never have been born given I had a great-grandfather buried alive in WWI and a grandmother who just so happened to leave a bunker during WWII that was bombed a week later. Also, what’s the likelihood of a mother growing up in Long Island and a father growing up in Germany and meeting at a campground in Vermont, staying in contact and getting married 8 years later?

Once I was in college, I began going to church with a friend of mine, but there was still a lot I didn’t know or understand. Also, I was still convinced that I could be in charge of my life, but that all changed in the fall of 2011. They always say you get closest to God when you hit rock bottom, and in 2011, that’s exactly what happened to me. All of my so-called success in college failed to get me a job and because of my bitterness, I watched many of my closest friendships crumble and be taken away for a season. It was at that point that I knew I needed to repent and give Jesus total control of my life.

Over the past year, because of my sporadic unemployment, I’ve been blessed with the ability to volunteer with Samaritan’s Purse Disaster Relief and have met many amazing people who have become like family to me. It was my way of living out Matthew 28:19 and going out to make “disciples of all nations” and serve Jesus. Except I slowly began to realize that I was being disobedient by trying to ignore the, “baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit” portion of the verse by not being baptized myself, which is why I’m here today. I’ve reached that point in my life where I know that I’m a sinner just like everybody else that walks the Earth, and I can’t do anything to change God’s opinion of me or have Him love me any more or less than He already does. He’s relentlessly sought me and been knocking on the door of my heart in the hopes that I would accept the grace that He extends to everybody. Only by God’s grace am I saved, as stated in Ephesians 2:8-9. Christ died on the Cross in order to pay the ultimate price for my past, present, and future sins. There’s nothing I can do to save myself; it’s all Jesus. He loves me so much that He was willing to die for me in order to restore my relationship with God. That’s an unfathomable amount of love for the human heart and mind to comprehend, but it’s also the source of immense joy once it’s accepted!
Learning about God’s grace and mercy taught me that He’s forgiven me for my desire to control every aspect of my life and for those selfish and condemning thoughts that pop into mind when things didn’t/don’t “go my way.” There’s nothing I can do to change His opinion of me when I’m clothed in the righteousness of Christ because of the blood He shed for my sake. Along with that, I’ve finally realized that God knows what is best for my life, as much as I have tried to convince myself otherwise. This has been quite liberating for a planner such as myself, and I no longer feel that I must know what’s going to happen tomorrow because I can trust that He already does and will help me through whatever I might encounter. Putting my trust in Jesus and relying on God’s grace has helped me slowly find the peace of mind I’ve been searching for.

When Life Gives You Lemons...Learn How to Juggle

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

Anybody close me knows that the past three weeks have been a little hectic and haven't exactly gone as planned. It has been a time that has served as a reminder that God is in charge of my life and instead of throwing a "woe is me" pity party, it's best just to laugh and move on when things don't pan out. The stories that I'm about to share all happened before I was motivated to write this, but after reading some posts by Elizabeth Griffin that are part of her series, The Dirty Gospel, I felt that I should pass on some of my recent experiences and how they've taught me to always turn to God and trust that He has my best interests in mind, even if I end up in some uncomfortable situations. 

For two weeks leading up to my September 29th departure for Colorado I had been planning what exactly to pack, how to arrange it, which route to drive, and hoping that a friend of mine would be able to accompany me. Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts, I'd be driving solo on my cross country roadtrip, but I didn't let that get me down. The night before my departure, I was at a wedding for a friend's mom. My friend's family is from the Dominican Republic, so Spanish is predominantly what is spoken at any sort of family get together, including this wedding. I was enjoying myself up until the moment I realized that I couldn't find my car key. This was kind of a big deal for a handful of reasons. For starters, it's the only key to my car. On top of that, all of my belongings to go to Colorado were locked in my car, and I was supposed to be departing in less than 12 hours from when this occurred. I recruited my friend's brother-inlaw to help spread the word to look for my key and was desperately trying not to panic. We retraced my steps, and I asked a few people if they'd seen my key on a table, which is hard when you're not quite sure if they understand English. I finally ventured back to my table and was looking underneath the table when my friend's grandma began speaking to me in Spanish and making hand gestures like somebody had taken my key. I went to find Juan to serve as translator and we finally figured out that someone had picked up the key thinking it was their niece's, so Juan went and found this person and got my key back. I was very thankful to have it back after all of the confusion, and my blood pressure was finally returning to normal after my bout of anxiety. It was after this situation that I was reminded that God is in charge of each part of my life, even little tense moments like finding a lost key. No amount of planning for my trip could have prepared me for that situation, so again, I needed to remember to have faith in God in the forefront of my mind as I began my travels west to Colorado. It was at that point that I made an effort to fixate on Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths," and I even signed the majority of the Bibles with that verse while volunteering with Samaritan's Purse to serve as a reminder to the homeowner and myself that God is in charge of every aspect of our lives, even if it doesn't seem like it at times.

Fast forward fifteen days and I found myself sitting in my car on the shoulder of Interstate 80 by mile marker 117 in Illinois. I had just gotten pulled over, and I was really hoping that I wasn't going to get a speeding ticket for my 70 in a 65. The trooper kindly knocked on my window and explained that I was being given a warning for "improper lane usage" and asked me if I minded coming back to his patrol car to sign the warning. Since I had nothing to hide and really didn't mind, I got out and wander back to his vehicle and sat in the front passenger seat. The trooper called in his location and asked me where I was coming from. I explained that I had been volunteering with Samaritan's Purse in Colorado helping to mud out homes and spray a disinfectant for mold. While sharing this, I did notice another cop car across from on the median, but thought nothing of it. The trooper then asked me about the cross I had in the back window of my car before asking me if I thought he was being mean because I was acting nervous. That caught me by surprise because I had felt a sense of relief when he said I wasn't getting a ticket. In my mind, I was thinking, "Well, gee officer, I'm sitting in the front seat of your patrol car, which isn't an everyday occurrence, so of course I'm nervous." What I actually said was that I was just concerned with going in the proper direction towards Michigan to visit relatives. He asked where I'd started my drive and I said Iowa, again thinking this was normal questioning to be thorough. The trooper then asked if it was okay that he check the VIN number on my car to make sure it matched the registration, so I told him to go right ahead. I sat there wondering why he thought I was acting nervous, and had that answered once the trooper came back into the vehicle. He asked me if I had been checking my mirrors for him to be following me and I said I had. That's just what I do when I see a cop pull out because I'm not sure if they're coming for me or someone out and regardless, I don't want a ticket. That was the precursor to the troopers bombshell: this is a big drug area and you're acting a bit jittery, so do you mind if I ask you a few questions? I laugh about it now, but at the time I was thinking, are you serious? I then faced a line of questions starting with how I felt about medical marijuana, which led into asking if I had heroin, cocaine, amphetamines, weapons, or large amounts of cash in my car. The trooper then said I seemed to have a lot of stuff in my car for an 11 day visit to Colorado, and in my naivety, I mentioned how I was going to Kentucky and North Carolina after visiting Michigan. I am one to just be up front and honest about my life, but in hindsight, if I were a drug runner, this would make it sound like I was spreading my product around. The trooper then asked me if it was okay to search the vehicle and I told him if he felt that was necessary that he could go right ahead. There were two funny parts as I got out of my car. First, I realized that a second cop car was actually sitting behind us, and the trooper took interest in my "runner girl" magnet and proceeded to discuss the Chicago marathon with me as he went to search my car. To me, that demonstrated the paradox of this entire situation; he was serious about ensuring I wasn't a drug mule, but he truly was a compassionate man interested in my life, including my running and volunteer work. Heck, he even thanked me for my time in Colorado before he asked me how I could afford to go out there and how I felt about medical marijuana. I share this story not to criticize cops because I believe it is important for them to do their job and keep us safe from illegal drugs. I mention it more for the reminder that life has unexpected pitstops which can catch us completely off guard an might seem totally ridiculous. Even so, I know God had me pulled over for a reason, even though I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it was to test my ability to remain honest under pressure, which technically put me in a hole because I freely admitted I was traveling from a state where medical marijuana is legal. But that's besides the point. Nobody likes to feel like they are about to get in trouble, even if they know they're innocent, and I think our sin nature has that reflex of wanting to lie, even when we know honesty is the best policy. Either God wanted to make sure I'd be completely honest about my travels, or He was protecting me from something down the road. No matter what, it sure makes for a great story.

The last of my three stories taught me about slothfulness. The other day a friend asked me to run with her to help her achieve a new distance goal. I was all about assisting and was feeling great until mile 2. That was when all of my previous running injuries decided to come back with a vengeance. My IT band issues flared up to the point I felt like I was being stabbed and my hip joints ached and were forcing me to change my gait. Definitely not something that felt at all pleasant, and on top of that, I was the reason we had to start walking. It was a big wake up call to my sheer laziness since July, which was the last time I really put any effort into running. Proverbs 13:4 states, "The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied." Sure I might have spent time craving to get back into running, but without getting myself out that door, I saw no results, and when I did, all I saw was injury. I've always had a love/hate relationship with running where I love to do races, but hate to actually train for them. This little setback taught me that I needed to be diligent in my training in the future if I was going to enjoy running without pain. Part of me wanted to sulk after this occurred, while another part of me was embarrassed since I'm known as a runner. I know Satan likes to get inside my head and desires to infuse my brain with a defeatist mentality, but I stopped short of throwing that pity party. Actually, what helped was thinking of my adopted nephew and how I always tell him to get over himself when he cries and then I threaten to club him like a baby seal* (yes, I believe in tough love and have an odd sense of humor). 

This morning, I truly realized that I needed to get over myself and just acknowledge the fact that I've been lazy and I can work past this if I do just that: work. I needed this wake up call and this third lemon in as many weeks, but I've honestly learned from each experience that God has thrown at me. I've learned that even with plans, one cannot foresee particular circumstances that unwittingly pop up. I've also been reminded that everything, good and bad, happens for a reason to build me up for the future, and that getting anxious about any mishaps won't get me anywhere. And lastly, I know that with a little hard work and preparing my legs for the impact of running, I can redeem my running career by October 26th so that I enjoy running the 2nd annual Run Your Booty Off 5K in Morehead City....dressed as a penguin. Just remember, life isn't about being perfect, it's sometimes about going with the flow and learning how to juggle unexpected situations and circumstances. So pay attention and be aware of the fact that God is trying to teach you something new everyday, and it's best to remain teachable.

This shirt has taught me to not take running so seriously...or myself for that matter

*There were no baby seals harmed in the typing of this blog post

Scatterbrained Ramble

I've had a lot on my mind lately, but then again, that's nothing out of the ordinary for an over-thinker like myself. I'm one of those overboard multi-taskers because I'm either easily distracted, or my mind is fueled with an obsessive need to know as much as possible at any given moment. Having your brain processing information at a million miles per hour can be a bit of a hindrance, though, especially when it comes to decision making. There comes a point when I find I have too many ideas filtering through my brain and too many options in front of me about what to do with my life. Instead of picking one and running with it, I feel like I just shut down mentally and get stuck in a rut. As Mark Batterson wrote in his book Wild Goose Chase, "'What is it you want?' I'm convinced that many of our problems are the by-products of the fact that most of us cannot answer that question. We don't know what we want. We've never defined our goals or values or passions, so we're out of touch with our heart's desires. And our growing responsibilities have numbed us to the possibilities around us and the passions within us." I don't think I could find a better way to describe the state that I'm in than that.
It's become more and more apparent that I'm going through life in a deer-in-the-headlights fashion as of late. I cringe whenever I'm asked the, "what do you want to do with your life?" question. A late night chat with my dad on the front porch a little over a week ago provided me with the beginning of a wake-up call. It was 1am and I was dealing with a bit of disappointment so I was sitting outside because that's a typical coping mechanism for me. My dad came out to keep me company and our conversation drifted to my future, which is when I began struggling to find answers for him. He then countered with this kick-in-the-teeth comment: "Well I suggest you figure out what it is you enjoy or wanna do or else you're gonna end up living the rest of your life in fear." That's the beauty of having a compassionate, yet hard-nosed German as a father; he's not subtle and doesn't beat around the bush, but gets straight to the point.
Honestly, it was just the comment I needed to fuel some more reading, thinking, and praying that might actually lead to some action from me, rather than indecisiveness. It was a reminder that I'm still living my life in a fashion that seeks glory for myself and makes me fear the opinions of others. Two pieces of Scripture that reminded me of this and opened my eyes were Matthew 10:28 and John 5:44. These verses focus on how humanity puts too much stock in the opinions, adoration, and attention received from other mere mortals as opposed to focusing on the opinion of God and giving Him all the glory. Unnecessary fear of others and their opinions can hold us back, while pride makes us turn away from Jesus, which is a sure fire way to fail in this life, and can be downright disastrous for the next.
I believe a fear that many of us have is not knowing what the future holds and now knowing God's "plan" for our lives. Too often this puts us at a standstill and we somehow stop making decisions about our lives or take any steps to progress toward a goal. It's much like this line from the song "Climbing a Chair to Bed" by the Dropkick Murphys: "Are you too afraid of living to make a man's mistakes?" Kevin DeYoung frames it nicely in his book Just Do Something in the following statement: "I'd like us to consider that maybe we have difficulty discovering God's wonderful plan for our lives because, if truth be told, He doesn't really intend to tell us what it is. And maybe we're wrong to expect Him to." The way I see it, our generation is far too distracted by gadgets and other sources of information to truly focus on God in an attempt to hear His guidance. Our focus has drifted off of God to every other tangible piece of technology or human being in front of us, possibly because we don't put much stock on the intangible, even though we might believe in our hearts that it exists. Unfortunately we're in a generation that desires and yearns for proof of everything.
For me, because of distractions and skewed focus, I've lost track of myself in the melee. Somewhere along the way I never allowed any dreams take root and lost confidence in my God given abilities. That led to a defeatist mentality, which seeped into all aspects of my life from career, to running, to my personal life. This of course kept me from developing and formulating any tangible goals in my life, leading to a rather melancholy existence. Sure, I've enjoyed the exploits from my vagabond lifestyle, but I think I fooled myself into believing I was happy with the direction my life was taking. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel and always will, but I don't want to feel like I'm just wandering through life without a destination or goal in mind. I began rethinking my life when I came across the song "Glass Houses" by The Classic Crime. It's a song that discusses how we all spend so much time building a glass house of happiness that's easily shattered once we stop putting up a front.

When the glass shattered around me

I learned a good lesson about my disorder

I thought I was happy

I said all the right things

I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink

But it did

You got hung up on the outside

Fake like you're living the good life

But death and decay on the inside

Just add pride and hate to your long list of crimes

All this keeping up with the Jones' leads us to pretend that our lives are a walk in the park and we bolster this with fake happiness and fantasies. Truth is, we're lying to everyone, including ourselves. I love how the lyricist of this song talks about how this is actually a disorder and that we're all naive to think it won't break down over time. A facade can only last so long before it begins to crumble or shatter. Most poignantly, though, is that the singer of "Glass Houses" speaks of the fact that he actually built a crystal cathedral amongst all of the glass houses.

This brings me to the first of two misconceptions I'd like to address before I close this lengthy ramble. Somehow churchgoers seem to have fallen into the trap of believing that they are not allowed to be anything but happy. Why is it that so many today feel this need to wear a mask and project false joy? Whatever happened to being able to feel the whole scope of emotions God provided us with? Not allowing ourselves to project anything but happiness because we assume that's how Christians should act totally negates the fact that the Book of Lamentations exists. Even David, a man after God's own heart, got frustrated and exuded various emotions within the Psalms. I recently saw a shirt on gratefulapparel.com that says, "Church isn't a museum for good people. It's a hospital for the broken." From my experience, broken people have various emotions and they don't have it all together all the time. We need to remember that we're allowed to express frustration, anger, and discontent as long as we don't remain in that mindset. Remember the words of Ephesians 4:26 ~ "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." And Psalm 30:5 says, "...Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Clearly we are meant to experience a myriad of emotions.

This brings me to my second point. I believe this misconception about our emotions stems from the misconception that happiness is promised to those who dedicate their lives to Christ. To be brutally honest, this is a huge fallacy. Nowhere in the Bible does God promise His followers happiness for a lifetime on this Earth. There is more emphasis placed on the fact that we are going to suffer and deal with struggles in this life. Romans 8:16-17 is very upfront and honest about this fact, stating, "The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we also may be glorified with him." Let that last part sink in a little bit. Suffering with Christ is in the equation for us to share in His glory. And the glory that Paul speaks of is not in the here and now, but in heaven. To put it bluntly using the words of Kevin DeYoung, "Life isn't always fun, and we shouldn't expect it to be." Truth is, life here on Earth is not all about us an whether or not we're happy. It's all about obeying God and allowing Him to be glorified.

Some of you might be wondering where this leaves us now and how we're supposed to muddle through life. I believe the secret is finding contentment. Paul wrote about the art of being content in both Philippians 4:11 and 1 Thessalonians 5:18. Paul wrote, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content," and, "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." No matter what you're dealing with in life, if Christ is your focus, you'll find contentment wherever you're at, regardless of circumstances. Start looking for joy in the little things life has to offer and focus on the positives, rather than the negatives. As Taylor Swift sings in "Starlight," "Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change. You'll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way." It's all a matter of perspective and whether or not you choose to be content with your life.

My advice to all of you is to start taking some initiative in your life and maybe listen to the song, "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot to help motivate yourself into figuring out if you're "who you want to be." Invest in your future, whether that means going to school, studying up on how you can start your own business, or actually getting that certification you've been putting off because you're cheap and lazy. Sure, you might have to change course in the future, but it's better than living a passive life, waiting for things to happen to you. That's a sure fire way to end up with regrets. Instead, put some actual thought into what your dreams could be and trust that God will be with you every step of the way, even if you aren't sure you're making the proper decision. He's in everything that you do and will work things out in the end. If you refuse to formulate some dreams and goals in life, there's no possible way to strive towards them and achieve what you desire. Take some risks and don't fear failure. Your failures will actually serving as learning experiences in the long run. And for pete's sake, stop focusing so much on what others might think of you and your goals. That will only hold you back. Keep God at the center of everything and strive to please Him with your life. But whatever you do, desire to be content rather than happy. Happiness is not guaranteed, but we all have the ability to be content no matter the situation, for blessings and struggles are all a part of God's hidden plan for your life.

Addressing a Common Misconception: God's Creation vs God's Children

If I think back to the not so distant past, I can remember sitting in SAT review classes discussing the fact that all BMW's are cars, but not all cars are BMW's. Along the same lines as this would be a concept that I only recently considered, which is the fact that we are all God's creation, but we are not all God's children. Some might think I'm being overly picky, but the distinction is necessary.
Looking back at Genesis 1:27, we find that it states, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." This statement proves that God created each and every one of us. Those unable to accept this as fact are those who do not have the Holy Spirit residing within them, and thus, are lacking the necessary faith to believe, as mentioned in Hebrews 11:3 ~ "By faith we understand that the universe was created by the Word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible." This lack of faith characterizes the unbelievers of the world, while being born of the Spirit is what distinguishes the believers, who are God's children.
Upon close analysis of Romans 8:5-8, there's a clear distinction between those who live by the flesh and those who live by the Spirit. Each and every person is born into a fallen world and has a sin nature that is opposed to all things holy. In that sense, all of Creation is on equal footing as we all fall short of God's righteousness. It is not until we are born again in the Spirit, as Jesus stated in John 3:3-6 that we are set apart for the Kingdom of God. It is only by God's grace that we are saved and able to be considered His children (Ephesians 2:1-10). Every Christian believer, therefore, is saved by God's grace and believes that Jesus is their Savior. Then, and only then, are they considered children of God and not just part of God's creation. John 1:12 clearly states, "But to all who did not receive him who believed in his name he gave the right to become children of God."
The most significant characteristic that makes it evident that someone is a believer in Christ, rather than an unbeliever is the Holy Spirit. Those individuals who repent of their sins and accept Christ in their hearts as Lord and Savior have the Holy Spirit dwelling within them. The Holy Spirit helps these individuals live according to the Spirit rather than the flesh, setting them apart as the true children of God. Proof of this is written in Romans 8:14, which says, "For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God." This is of noted importance because Romans 8:16 reiterates this point with different wording by saying, "The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God."
Many might claim to be Christians, but if there is no sanctifying proof of the Holy Spirit doing a work in their lives, they might be making false claims. Only those who accept Jesus as their Savior and through the help of the Holy Spirit try to obey God's Word are those who can be considered God's children and set apart for the kingdom of heaven.

Recap, Hillsong NYC & Central Park Solidarity Run for Boston

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." ~Romans 12:15

To be honest, this week I haven't felt much of anything. I think I just kind of emotionally shutdown and was in a state of numbness in order to withstand the bombardment of stories about the bombing in Boston this week. I lived in my own little bubble taking in articles and blogs from news sources, runners, and spectators who had either witnessed the bombing, were impacted by it in someway, or felt the need to offer and express their personal insight on the matter. I scoured the internet for information and unfortunately came across some rather gruesome pictures. I think what bothered me most was the fact that these pictures didn't immediately cause me to want to vomit, because they should have. I think that's when I determined that my emotional system just sort of shutoff so that I wouldn't overreact in any sort of fashion. I just was and I absorbed information like a sponge.
When I first heard about the bombing, I was saddened. That sadness never turned to rage or anger, but I did kind of take the attack personally because of the potential impact it could have on the racing community in the future. Runners need their spectators and this could change our interaction with our beloved cheerleaders. I was also struck by the fact that it so easily could have been me there in the crowd or running. This became more apparent throughout the week when I had a discussion with a friend of mine who had come to watch me run my first marathon in 2007. Amby Burfoot being another one who was stopped short of finishing, and heard that one of the Runner's World editors was just up the street from the blast and ran the other way as a means of escape. Again, it's just crazy to think how easily it could have potentially been me, and my heart goes out to those who lost their lives or limbs. They have been constantly in my thoughts and prayers this week, especially when I go out for my runs.
He said, "I was upset because that could have been us and our crew and you and your dad running. It's scary then you think about the runners. You know from first hand experience you're exhausted and feel like your safety is the finish line because you get to rest after that. It took the safe element out of running." I couldn't have stated it better myself. On top of that conversation, another runner friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a year emailed me an account from the experience of her friend's running guide. They were among those unable to finish the marathon because roadblocks were setup at the end of Boyleston Street after the explosion. I also read about
In an attempt to regain some bit of normalcy in my life and not think so much, I ventured into the Big Apple to attend Hillsong NYC at the Roseland Ballroom to hear Brian Houston speak. I'm very thankful that I went because what he spoke about was exactly what I needed to hear in the wake of the events of the past week. His whole sermon was based on lyrics from the song "Glorious Ruins." The following is the chorus from the song:

Let the ruins come to life

In the beauty of Your name

Rising up from the ashes

God forever You reign

Pastor Houston spoke about how we all face some sort of ruin in our lives, whether it be relational, financial, or otherwise. His point was that God can bring glory out of the ruins in our lives. Proof of this was the fact that Jesus came down from glory to die on a cross for us. He also sited Ezra 9:9, as an Old Testament example of God's temple becoming ruins, which says, "For we are slaves. Yet our God has not forsaken us in our slavery, but has extended to us his steadfast love before the kings of Persia, to grant us some reviving to set up the house of our God, to repair its ruins, and to give us protection in Judea and Jerusalem." The temple that was in ruins was able to be revived and rebuilt by God. Another fitting example of how God can bring glory out of ruin involves the story of Lazarus. He had been dead for four days, but to bring glory to God, Jesus brought him back to life. If Jesus can bring a dead man back to life, he surely can rebuild whatever might be broken in your life. 

This message seemed very fitting after the events on Monday. Boston and the running community were shaken to the core by the bombing. Yet God can help rebuild the lives of those impacted if they only turn to Him and surrender their lives. Relinquishing control is the hardest part, but God has already proven in the past what He is capable of restoring after disaster strikes, and it tends to be better than what once was.

To cap off my day in the Big Apple, I went to Central Park around 2:30 in the afternoon. I had read on the Runner's World website and on Facebook that Charlie Lyons had arranged a solidarity run for Boston and that runners could meet at the Tavern on the Green. For an event that was only learned about via social media and word of mouth, there was a great turn out. Numerous NYC running club members and coaches were present. Even Mary Wittenberg, the CEO of NYRR made an appearance. The first 160 runners got a commemorative hat that said NY <3 B, and I was thankful to come away with one. After a couple of speeches via megaphone and a moment of silence, the runners took off, heading south, to do a loop of Central Park.
I felt pretty good for the first half, but began to struggle once I reached the hill on the north end of the park. I can't remember the last time I ran six miles without stopping, so it was God, true grit and thinking of those in Boston that got me back to Tavern on the Green. That and people commenting on my awesome pants. I figure if I can't get people's attention with my running speed, I might as well dress like a ridiculous fool and standout in my own special way. The finish was awesome for the fact that some of the runners who had already finished created a makeshift chute in order to high five people as they completed their run. It's definitely not everyday that I can say I got high fives from Charlie Lyons and Mary Wittenberg at the end of a run.

Celebrate the Silent Night

For Sunday school at Saucon Bible Fellowship Church this month, we have been doing what's called hymnology for particular Christmas hymns. Hymnology is the scholarly study of religious hymns and songs, and I found it to be quite interesting because I love history and I'm a nerd at heart. My goal for this post is to examine the origin, historical significance, and Scripture behind Silent Night.
I'm currently sitting with my feet propped up on a coffee table and listening to my new favorite recording of the hymn by The Glass Child, who is a Swedish musician now residing in Bristol, in order to get in the right mindset for typing these words. The simplicity within the recording, along with the power of her vocals give me chills almost every time I listen to it, especially on the line, "Son of God, love's pure light." It's as if she is bringing the majesty of that moment to life out of the silence of that night so long ago.
Silent Night, or Stille Nacht, actually dates back to 1816. It was originally written in German by Joseph Mohr in 1816, but the music composition by Franz Gruber didn't develop until 1818. It was first sung at the 1818 Christmas Eve service in Oberndorf, Austria. It's popularity soon spread with the help of traveling musicians, being published as a hymn in 1838, and being translated into the English language in 1863. It has since become a Christmas staple for people around the world.
A surreal moment in history where Silent Night stands out took place during The Great War, specifically in 1914. It was a war that many thought would be over by Christmas, but alas, both sides were still heavily entrenched on the Western Front come Christmas eve of that year. Remarkably, on that evening, it is said that the Germans began lighting candles and make-shift tannenbaums while singing a stirring rendition of Stille Nacht. The British couldn't believe their eyes and ears, but soon both sides were singing, each in his own language. A truce was suggested, and leaders from both sides entered no-man's-land to shake hands. For that Christmas, enemies became friends, sharing pictures and gifts. Time was set aside for a soccer match, but more importantly, to bury the dead. Though it only lasted for that day, it's considered a miracle that such a truce was even possible during such a fiercely fought war. I would definitely recommend that you all watch the French film, Joyeux Noël, which depicts that miracle from 98 years ago and the moving rendition of Silent Night that took place that night.
Now I think it's time to begin a methodical dissection of the lyrics and the powerful meaning behind these carefully crafted words. The first verse goes as follows:

Silent night, holy night

All is calm, all is bright

Round yon virgin mother and child

Holy infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

This verse mentions key points, such as the mother being a virgin and her child being a Holy infant. This clearly points to Luke 2:6-7, which states, "And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn." Earlier in Luke 1:26-38, it is revealed that Mary is with child, even though she's a virgin, because she was blessed by the Holy Spirit to conceive the Savior of the world. Not only was this a miracle, but it fulfilled the prophecy revealed in Isaiah 7:14 that said, "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel."
Verse two continues with the following:

Silent night, holy night

Shepherds quake at the sight

Glories stream from heaven afar

Heavenly hosts sing Hallelujah

Christ, the Savior is born

Christ, the Savior is born

Immediately, I take note of the fact that the shepherds were uneasy about what had been revealed to them from heaven. This imagery lines up perfectly with what is written in Luke 2:8-9, which reveals that, "And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear." The angel does reassure the shepherds to not be afraid and that they come bearing good news from heaven about a Savior being born in a manger. The angel and heavenly hosts were extremely exuberant, which is outlined in Luke 2:13-14 ~ "And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!'"

The third and final verse goes as follows:

Silent night, holy night

Son of God, love's pure light

Radiant beams from Thy holy face

With the dawn of redeeming grace

Jesus, Lord at Thy birth

Jesus, Lord at Thy birth

When analyzing this verse, one must first turn to John 1:9, which says, "The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world." This statement was describing Jesus as the true light, much like the "love's pure light" from the verse. Continuing through the verse, the "dawn of redeeming grace" clearly points to the words within Romans 3:24 that say, "And are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus." The light of the world is also our great Redeemer; through Him our grace is found. One must also not forget that Jesus was the Lord upon birth, which is depicted in Luke 2:11 ~ "For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."

In light of the link to Scripture, we should remember that God fulfilled His promises to the people of Israel on that silent night with the birth of Jesus in that lowly manger. God blessed us with His Son in order to save us. Upon the birth of Jesus, the world was blessed with a Lord, Savior, and Redeemer. The words of this simple hymn really drive this point home, and it is my hope that more people will examine the powerful meaning behind the lyrics as they sing them. They tell part of the most important and lifesaving story that exists.
This Christmas, be in the mindset of Relient K. In their song, I Celebrate the Day, they ponder the true meaning behind the birth of Jesus. They question whether He felt the impact from His own birth into this fallen world. It's profound that they say the following:

And the first time

That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior?

And the first breath that left Your lips

Did You know that it would change this world forever?

Even more profound is how the song ends with these lyrics:

And I, I celebrate the day

That You were born to die

So I could one day pray for You to save my life

During Christmastime, instead of dwelling on the stress of shopping, writing cards, baking cookies, and trying to make plans to visit friends and family, focus on the magnificent miracle of the birth of Jesus. Celebrate His coming into the world in a humble manner so that He could be your Lord and Savior. Without Jesus as our Redeemer, we have no hope of eternal life. Christmas is a time to celebrate the great impact of Jesus on that silent night over 2000 years ago. Take the time to concentrate on that fact the next time you listen to a rendition of Silent Night.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!

Resources:
Origins of Silent Night
The Center for Church Music, Songs, and Hymns
The Truce of Christmas, 1914 by Thomas Vinciguerra

You Can't Bargain With God

There was a visiting speaker at church today by the name of Jim Knakal. He is raising funds to become a missionary in Germany, but that was not my main interest like some might assume. The message that he presented to the congregation was something that I really needed to hear and it helped me realize that I needed to change my ways.
The focus of his sermon was on Romans 12:1, which states, "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship." Mr. Knakal spoke about what a sacrifice means in biblical terms, which boils down to being an atonement for sins to God or an offering of thankfulness. The emphasis was on the fact that any sacrifice should be done willingly and wholeheartedly, with no strings attached. He presented us with a hypothetical situation involving a man living in Old Testament times bringing a lamb for sacrifice to the rabbi, but determining for the rabbi how the sacrifice should be utilized. Mr. Knakal stated that, in essence, this was what we sometimes do when we approach God with our issues. We want God's guidance, but we lay out the guidelines. This is no way to be a living sacrifice to the Holy God. This is self-absorbed control over all life matters, and then we wonder why we fail or "plans" don't work out.
Mr. Knakal instead said that we should be more like the Prodigal Son. Once he had blown all of his funds on foolish worldly desires, the Prodigal Son realized what he had done and rather going to his father for more money, he went seeking to be his father's servant because he felt unworthy to be deemed his son. This is a demonstration of being living sacrifice, and something we should all strive to model in our interactions with God the Father. We need to understand and realize that He is the provider of bread and water and that we must submit and serve Him to fulfill our purpose.
What I really needed to hear, though, was when Jim Knakal said, "You just don't bargain with God if you're going to offer yourself as a sacrifice." He was speaking in terms of how those who feel called by God to become missionaries might respond. Some might be like, "God I really want to serve you, but I don't want to go to this or that region of the world, and I really don't want to have to deal with rats or snakes or spiders."
That's when it hit me. We need to remember that God chooses how to use us and that we can't choose our own purpose from God. In a sense, this is how I approached my job application process. I've been praying for a full time position within exercise physiology, but I've been narrowing the criteria for God by picking and choosing locations to apply. I've stayed along the east coast because I don't feel like moving across the country, completely uprooting my life and starting over. At least that's what I did up until today. Today I began broadening my search and applying to any full time position within my field no matter what the location was. I applied in Florida, Texas, Georgia, and Idaho, some of which are states that I didn't really want to apply to, but felt that I had to stop bargaining with God.
A few weeks back, I was visiting Saucon Community Church and a woman there said something to me that really struck me. She said that she felt that God must have a very specific job in mind for me since I'm struggling so much to locate a job in a field that supposedly has plenty of jobs available. That comment combined with today's message makes me feel like I've been limiting where God can potentially place me for His purpose. It's practically urging me to throw myself into the unknown, trusting that God will utilize me as He sees fit. So here's to no longer bargaining with the Almighty God.

Marathon Reflection

On this day, around this time last year, I could hardly walk. Some of you might find that a scary proposition, but once I tell you that I had just completed a marathon, I'm sure it makes perfect sense. For those of you who might still not understand completely, marathons completely pummel the body mentally, physically, and emotionally. They are not events to be taken lightly, and I'm still amazed that I even finished the Delaware Marathon.
The post, Obstacle Conquered, is what I wrote following my marathon completion a year ago. As I reflect upon this race from my past, I realize even now what a miracle it is that I was able to gut it out over the course of 26.2 miles. Thinking back, there were many mistakes that I made by not sticking to my original game plan. First off, I went out wayyyyy too fast. Who in their right mind runs a 7:46 first mile, only to come to realize there are 25.2 more to go? Along with that, I over-hydrated. During training, I would have a drink maybe every 6 miles. Throughout the marathon, though, I was having a drink every 2 miles. Talk about an upset stomach.
Thankfully, God was watching over me that day. I would not have been able to finish without the support of my parents and friends. Grigs and Jess were great motivators throughout the course, while Chrissy and Rhi stepped up and ran with me when I needed it most. I'm so glad that Deuteronomy 31:6 is true when it says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."
The Delaware Marathon was definitely a learning experience. Though I took most of the year off from physically running, I feel as if I've been mentally running, trying to escape myself for some reason. It's been a year of ups and downs, of spending time with friends and hiding from them. A year of believing in my abilities and doubting myself. A year of being sure that I was meant to help people, but not knowing exactly in what capacity. Luckily, through all of this I have come to understand what is meant by the words in Romans 8:28 ~ "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." I may not be able to comprehend all of the circumstances that I have undergone this past year, but I am positive that there was a reason behind each and every situation.
I'd like to leave you with a song that I felt compelled to listen to on my drive home today. It's by Addison Road and is entitled "Start Over Again." The lyrics seem quite fitting for my situation, and I think it's about time I turn my life around and start over with each aspect of my life. I know I've let myself down and I've let some friends down, and for that I'm sorry and hope that you'll forgive me.

Open up your eyes

Awake, arise

Love like a hand reaches down

And pulls us up from the dirty ground

Now is the time

To step from the dark into the light

Cause you can’t change what you’ve done

But you can choose who you’ll become

(CHORUS)

Every moment is a second chance

At starting over, at starting over

Move from the past to the present tense

You can start over, start over again

If you feel ashamed

Of the choices that you’ve made

You can be whole again

And return to your innocence

(CHORUS)

Yesterday is gone

Today is all you’ve got

You don’t have to be who you’ve been

You can change within

It’s never too late

To start over again

W.A.I.T. Part 9: Life Transformation and Associating With the World

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

Christians are meant to stand out from the world because Christians try to adhere to the Holy Spirit and not to the ways of the world. Lately, this might seem more and more difficult because Christians get such negative labels in the media and are accused of being narrow-minded. But don't let this sway you in your beliefs because you are here on Earth to serve God, not man. As the above passage suggests, we are to be transformed by the Holy Spirit and are not to conform with the world, as tempting as that may be sometimes. A lot of people try to assuage their sinfulness by claiming that everybody is a sinner and what they did really wasn't that bad. The problem with that way of thinking, though, is that you are trying to place blame elsewhere and not take Scripture seriously. In order to be transformed, we must be convicted in our hearts to abide by the Word of God. 

"When you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." These words from Ephesians 4:21-24 direct us to rid our lives of the evil desires within our hearts. Without the disposal of our earthly lives in which we do as we please with no thought to the negative impact of our actions, we are unable to come into a relationship with Christ and be born again. I'm not saying that the minute you decide to be a Christian you will no longer sin; that is impossible. But once you are convicted in your heart to follow Christ and abide in the Holy Spirit, blatant and outright sin will be reduced in your life gradually because of your awareness. Those who know Scripture try to follow it to the best of their abilities, and when they stumble, they repent of the sins they committed.

To gain a better picture of what it means to live by the Holy Spirit, lets look at Galatians 5:16-25 which says, "So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." These verses outline the desires of our sinful nature and states that we must squelch these thoughts and desires, which is no easy task. With the acceptance of Jesus in our hearts, though, we gain the ability to slowly follow the ways of the Spirit. Over time, somebody should be able to recognize the transformation that has occurred in your life once you become a Christian. If there are no hints of the fruit of the Spirit in your life though, there could be a problem. You might still be giving in wholeheartedly to your sinful nature and need to strengthen your relationship with Christ because without the desire to change and be more like Him, you never will overcome the ways of this world. 

When someone who claims to be a member of the Body of Christ still continues to blatantly sin, it is the church's job to rebuke this person so that they come to their senses. But what members of the church must remember, and unfortunately often forget, is that this rebuke of blatant sin should only be directed at those who are within the church of believers. We run into trouble when we rebuke unbelievers because that means we are not only stepping outside our "scope of practice" but we are actually stepping on God's toes. 1 Corinthians 5:11-13 says it this way: "But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. 'Expel the wicked person from among you.'" Paul is very specific in telling us that we are to not associate with the blatant sinners within our congregations, not all of the blatant sinners outside of the church. Paul makes this point in 1 Corinthians 5:9-10 "I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world."

Life on Earth is always this careful balance of trying to live by the Spirit, but not coming off as "holier than thou" to all of the unbelievers in the world. It is not our job to judge what they do, but it is our job to minister to them in the hopes that Christ can transform their hearts. Jesus said, "'Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age,'" in Matthew 28:19-20. I'm not saying that this will be an easy task, though. The state of the world is such that relativism thrives. According to the Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy, relativism is sometimes identified as the thesis that all points of view are equally valid. When people have this point of view, it is very difficult to tell them about their need for a Savior because in their own minds, they are doing nothing wrong and don't need to be saved. Nobody likes to admit that what they are doing is wrong, but most are willing to accuse others of doing something wrong. I think C.S. Lewis said it best when he stated, "If we do not believe in decent behavior, why should we be so anxious to makes excuses for not having behaved decently?" Getting somebody to realize this could possibly help soften their hearts and open them up to hearing about Jesus. 

Again, I'll reiterate that it is wrong for us to go out into the world and condemn it for all of its actions. By doing this, we would then fit the bill of the "narrow-minded Christian quack." I'm not saying that you should agree with how the world is behaving or that you should support the desired changes some are seeking, but I don't believe that condemning people for their lifestyles or actions when they are not Christians is the path to take. I think all we can do in these situations is to try and mirror what Jesus did when he lived. Referring to Mark 2:15-17, I believe there is much to be learned from this passage: "While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: 'Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?' On hearing this, Jesus said to them, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.'" 

The best way to check yourself to determine if you are shedding your worldliness is to compare your life to the fruits of the Spirit. As long as you are making progress over time to no longer conform to the worldly points of view and desires, you are on the path to thriving as a Christian. We will all have our days when we stumble, but just remember to confess those sins and ask for forgiveness. The desire to repent for wrongs is always a good sign. Only when you find yourself being apathetic towards sin and being blatant in your sinning will you run into trouble. Also, never forget to evangelize to those around you, but be careful not to condemn the nonbelievers. It is not your job to judge, but to plant seeds. Let God be the judge of those who choose to reject Him. Instead, focus on your own life and how to thrive in the Holy Spirit.