Anybody who knows me well knows that I value honesty. I would much rather be told the truth, even if it's painful to accept. I also believe that being honest about yourself strengthens the chances of others sharing honestly with you about their own life (This concept is used in an episode of Bones entitled "Mayhem on the Cross" for those who would prefer and audio video version of this concept in action). But I digress. In the instance of this post, I'm going to be completely honest about myself, even though these topics aren't anything I particularly want to share.
Lately, I have been struggling to live as a child of God. I by no means feel like I have been living as the light of the world. Instead, I've been more like that person who lights a lamp and puts it under a bowl, as described in Matthew 5:15. This is mostly because I am disenchanted with myself over my thoughts and actions as of late. Recently, I have found myself in social situations where alcohol has been involved. 98% of the time, I am a self-controlled individual who limits her intake to one or two drinks. Unfortunately, the other night I was too busy focusing on the conversation with new friends that I did not realize I was well past being buzzed before it was too late. Now many people would say, and lead me to believe, that this is not a big deal. But the fact that I allowed this to happen two nights in a row makes it kind of a big deal and raises the question in me, "What was I thinking?" Truth of the matter is, I probably wasn't thinking. I was out to have a good time and enjoy my friends, and ended up going overboard. What I really kick myself over is that I've been formulating excuses in my mind to make it seem like what I did isn't the end of the world. In the grand scheme of things, it really isn't the end of the world, but as a child of God, I am not supposed to let myself get comfortable with the status quo of society and the ways of this world.
I think what I find even more disconcerting than my over consumption of alcohol is where my head has been at and where I have been mentally. Somehow over the years I have become less comfortable spending time by myself. I used to always be a loner and was completely fine with that, but nowadays, I have become more of a social creature. Again, many would feel like this is something positive to be embraced, but the dependence that I am beginning to feel on others is definitely negative, and not conducive for a future that will be full of change. Normally, as long as I am busy and productive, I am content being alone. With the added stress of coming down the home stretch of finishing my Master’s degree in exercise physiology and trying to get mentally prepared to go to Germany for the first time in five years, my brain has been askew and in complete disarray, warranting socialization in order to avoid implosion.
Last night I realized just how far I’ve truly fallen, and how much I can relate to the passage from Psalm 13:2 ~ “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” I had spent my day in class, running around doing errands, desperately trying to absorb information for my comprehensive exam next week, and stress cleaning in an attempt to numb all thought processes. Needless to say, not exactly a way I wanted to spend a nice summer day and come 6:30pm, I was tired of being alone and trying to evade my thoughts. Thankfully, a friend of mine invited me over to play some Wii so we could channel our inner middle school child.
Now comes the part where I get disgusted with myself, and words such as “ridiculous”, “childish”, and “pathetic” come to mind and seem to serve as apt descriptions for my thoughts and behavior. As I was leaving to recapture my youth, another friend texted me asking, “What’s up?” We got discussing our day's events and me asking if she was free later that night. Upon the response that she had been hiking and wasn’t sure when she would be home, I was flooded with jealous thoughts that she had a fun day (which is completely allowed and, in any normal situation, I would be extremely happy about) while I was stuck in my methodical and mundane routine of school, failing at studying, and reducing myself to stress cleaning. What ate away at me even more was the fact that she could tell via text message that I was upset for some reason and was concerned; if I could kick myself, I would have in that moment for accidentally eliciting worry over my senseless, envious thoughts. I attempted to evade questioning because in that moment I didn't want to admit to the truth of the matter or lie, but I got called on the carpet over my evasiveness (the downfall of letting certain friends get to know me so well <3) We settled upon me possibly visiting once she got home and I insisted she go back to having fun and not being concerned about me.
I thoroughly enjoyed my hours of Wii bowling and tennis (my muscles still ache due to my overly competitive nature), which served as a great stress reliever; possibly even better than running. I was content up until the point where I was driving to my friend's house to chat. I had texted my roommate to inform her of my plans and explain my stupidity, and she thankfully called me out on the fact that I had mentioned to her over the weekend that I had planned on being happy for people and not allow jealous thoughts to seep into my mind. I then went back to wanting to kick myself for all of the thoughts and emotions that trickled into my brain, executing a full blown invasion of my character. What depressed me more was what the situation reminded me of. I watch the show Will & Grace and during a Season 5 episode, they had a falling out over the fact that Grace realized that Will apparently hates when she is happy because then he is more aware of how miserable he is with his life. I was struck by how low I had evidently stooped in my life to allow a friend's happiness elicit such a strong negative reaction and emotions. I am truly regretting the fact that this situation had the opportunity to formulate, and pray that my thoughts and outlook will improve. I have always believed that my friend's happiness trumps my own, and I am saddened by this recent divergence of character. I would love to return to my original frame of mind, but for now, I will focus on the fact that I have thankfully been blessed with very forgiving and understanding friends.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Comparisons Are Futile
Our society is based upon comparisons. Each and everyday we get bombarded with fashion magazines comparing the best designers and styles, hit music countdowns on the radio every weekend, and we grow up being convinced we must keep up with the Jones'. Being a runner, I grew up constantly comparing my times to others in my district and trying to come up with the best training methods in order to keep up. It came to a point, though, where I realized that I could not get any faster. This fact deeply frustrated me because I knew that compared to the masses, my times were mediocre. I've had to slowly come to terms with the fact that I will forever be a 5:50 miler, 12:20 2-miler, and 4:16.00 marathoner, instead of being the next Kara Goucher.
Another facet where we are thrown into the same vicious cycle of forced comparisons is the job interview. It is almost a guarantee that during the interview, one will be asked why they are best for the job at hand and why they should be hired over the other applicants. This forces us into the uncomfortable position of self-promotion and making direct comparisons to other people. Also, one is typically asked to outline their strengths and weaknesses, which tends to lead towards overthinking about one's flaws.
It is healthy to know your weaknesses, if only for the basis of trying to slowly make improvements within yourself. Alas, as humans, we tend to go one step further into the realm of envy, and this is where we go wrong. We begin wishing that we had certain attributes that can be found in our friends, relatives, or celebrities, and we desire to be more like them instead of ourselves. Once we start wishing we were someone else, we begin missing the point. We cannot go through life constantly comparing ourselves to others and wishing we had certain attributes that are unattainable. Satan and his minions use envy to gain a foothold, which is why there are numerous verses in the Bible about it. The following verses are the ones I feel are the most relevant to what I am discussing:
Proverbs 14:30 ~ "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."
Galatians 5:26 ~ "Let us not become conceited, provoking, and envying each other."
James 3:16 ~ "For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice."
Another facet where we are thrown into the same vicious cycle of forced comparisons is the job interview. It is almost a guarantee that during the interview, one will be asked why they are best for the job at hand and why they should be hired over the other applicants. This forces us into the uncomfortable position of self-promotion and making direct comparisons to other people. Also, one is typically asked to outline their strengths and weaknesses, which tends to lead towards overthinking about one's flaws.
It is healthy to know your weaknesses, if only for the basis of trying to slowly make improvements within yourself. Alas, as humans, we tend to go one step further into the realm of envy, and this is where we go wrong. We begin wishing that we had certain attributes that can be found in our friends, relatives, or celebrities, and we desire to be more like them instead of ourselves. Once we start wishing we were someone else, we begin missing the point. We cannot go through life constantly comparing ourselves to others and wishing we had certain attributes that are unattainable. Satan and his minions use envy to gain a foothold, which is why there are numerous verses in the Bible about it. The following verses are the ones I feel are the most relevant to what I am discussing:
Proverbs 14:30 ~ "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."
Galatians 5:26 ~ "Let us not become conceited, provoking, and envying each other."
James 3:16 ~ "For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice."
Envy sprouts up usually because we crave recognition. It is human nature to want to be liked by other people. Deep down, we all desire some sort of attention, whether we want to admit it or not. I myself struggle with this as well. I have difficulty accepting the fact that I am quiet and reserved, and thus, never the life of the party. What doesn't help, either, is that my quietness is typically misunderstood or misconstrued for ulterior motives or scheming. A fictional character that I tend to relate to because she is misunderstood is Temperance Brennan from the TV show Bones. She comes across as a very cold-hearted individual because she bases all of her decisions off of facts, rather than emotions. People automatically assume that she has no emotions when, truthfully, she spends most of her time compartmentalizing so that she doesn't shutdown. I feel her anguish when she questions Booth about people calling her a cold fish or wondering what kind of person she must be if her favorite intern thinks she wants him sent away. Brennan is just one more misunderstood person who longs to fit in with society.
Instead of being constantly concerned with the opinions of others and wanting to be someone we are not, we must learn to be content with who we are and accept the role that God has given us. We are all uniquely made for a specific purpose that has yet to be revealed, and we must resist the temptation to change who we are in a weak attempt to become more favorable to particular people. Jeremiah 29:11 states, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" We have all had varying experiences in this life that can be used to our advantage as a means of assisting others with similar issues. You always have specific role for every person that you come across and it is not your job to question God's intention for you. For one person, your job might be to provide financial support, while for another, emotional support. We cannot compare ourselves to the other people in each of our friend's and relative's lives because they all have their own specific roles to fill as well. Instead, we must learn to like ourselves for who were are and how God made us. The song "Perfect" by Pink has a line that always strikes a chord with me: "Change the voices in your head. Make them like you instead...Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect to me." I always joke that I have voices in my head and this song is just a clear reminder that I have to ensure that those voices like me and accept me for who I truly am.
In my major of clinical exercise physiology, we are always discussing the concept of "scope of practice." This concept refers to any condition a patient might have outside the realm of our education. For instance, an exercise physiologist is not qualified to treat someone with schizophrenia. In the same respect, there are issues our friends and family have that we are unable to provide assistance for, and we must accept that fact. For example, I am not the one to approach with relationship issues because I ham not experienced in that area, while few people could provide me with reassurance and understanding about the physical pain I experienced after my marathon.
One of the best ways to come to terms with your personality is to take a valid and reliable personality test and utilize the results. In one of my classes a couple weeks ago, I happened to take the DiSC Classic, which evaluates whether you have dominance, influence, steadiness, or conscientiousness. Upon completion of the DiSC, I came to discover that I am classified as steadiness. My goal is to use this evaluation in order to focus on the tendencies outlined, which include: demonstrating patience, helping others, showing loyalty, and calming excited individuals. I am determined to accept who I am and the skill set that I have been given instead of trying to become somebody else. All I need to do is focus on God for the answer and remember that I was made according to His specifications, which are never wrong. Jonny Diaz has a song called "More Beautiful You" that addresses the constant comparisons we are faced with in this world. My favorite lines that I will concentrate on in the future are as follows:
Instead of being constantly concerned with the opinions of others and wanting to be someone we are not, we must learn to be content with who we are and accept the role that God has given us. We are all uniquely made for a specific purpose that has yet to be revealed, and we must resist the temptation to change who we are in a weak attempt to become more favorable to particular people. Jeremiah 29:11 states, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" We have all had varying experiences in this life that can be used to our advantage as a means of assisting others with similar issues. You always have specific role for every person that you come across and it is not your job to question God's intention for you. For one person, your job might be to provide financial support, while for another, emotional support. We cannot compare ourselves to the other people in each of our friend's and relative's lives because they all have their own specific roles to fill as well. Instead, we must learn to like ourselves for who were are and how God made us. The song "Perfect" by Pink has a line that always strikes a chord with me: "Change the voices in your head. Make them like you instead...Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect to me." I always joke that I have voices in my head and this song is just a clear reminder that I have to ensure that those voices like me and accept me for who I truly am.
In my major of clinical exercise physiology, we are always discussing the concept of "scope of practice." This concept refers to any condition a patient might have outside the realm of our education. For instance, an exercise physiologist is not qualified to treat someone with schizophrenia. In the same respect, there are issues our friends and family have that we are unable to provide assistance for, and we must accept that fact. For example, I am not the one to approach with relationship issues because I ham not experienced in that area, while few people could provide me with reassurance and understanding about the physical pain I experienced after my marathon.
One of the best ways to come to terms with your personality is to take a valid and reliable personality test and utilize the results. In one of my classes a couple weeks ago, I happened to take the DiSC Classic, which evaluates whether you have dominance, influence, steadiness, or conscientiousness. Upon completion of the DiSC, I came to discover that I am classified as steadiness. My goal is to use this evaluation in order to focus on the tendencies outlined, which include: demonstrating patience, helping others, showing loyalty, and calming excited individuals. I am determined to accept who I am and the skill set that I have been given instead of trying to become somebody else. All I need to do is focus on God for the answer and remember that I was made according to His specifications, which are never wrong. Jonny Diaz has a song called "More Beautiful You" that addresses the constant comparisons we are faced with in this world. My favorite lines that I will concentrate on in the future are as follows:
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
And there could never be a more beautiful you
So when you are struggling with envy and the desire to be somebody else because they seem to have what you do not, try to remember that God wants you just the way you are and will never stop loving you. God has a plan for your life and He doesn't want you wasting your time longing to be anything but the unique creation that is you.
Friday, June 17, 2011
A Challenge to be Forthright
Since this post is about being forthright, I want to be upfront and mention that I myself need much improvement in this area. I have always desired to be more upfront and honest, but I tend to lack the courage to initiate the process. The old adage "practice what you preach" has been in the forefront of my mind whilst pondering the theme of this post, and I hope you will take my words into consideration before deeming me a hypocrite. I am fully aware that I lack the assertiveness to be forthright on a regular basis due to my introverted personality, but this concept is something I would like to work on adopting.
Like all of you, I am a sinner and a work in progress. I struggle with moments of self-righteousness and acting in a passive aggressive fashion. But I have come to the realization that this behavior is unacceptable and needs to change. The truth is that I have used my passive aggressiveness for deceit and manipulation because I was unsure of how to be assertive and forthright when people act in a manner that I don't agree with. I have finally come to the end of my rope of patience with myself and others who act in the same manipulative manner, which is why I am trying so hard to change. I am fed up with myself and others who deem it acceptable to play mind games in order to get their way or just to get under someone else's skin.
As a Christian, I should always be forthright and honest. Proverbs 28:13 states, "He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue." We all seem to grow too concerned with what people will think of us if we truly tell them how we feel about a matter or their behavior, so we end up lying to please the other person, which just creates anger and resentment in our hearts. Instead of consistently falling into this cycle and being trapped by our bitterness, we must try and focus on the Lord and what He thinks on the matter and how to handle it. He doesn't want us lying to others, or to become bitter, which is why Ephesians 4:25-27 states, "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."
I dare you all to start living more honestly and to be forthright when you have an issue with a fellow Christian's behavior. Do not approach the situation in an accusing manner and refrain from insults. The world will be a much happier place, though, when people start living in a righteous manner and stop trying to manipulate each other for personal gain. The Relient K song "Come Right Out and Say It" reminds me of this concept, so consider the following lyrics:
Like all of you, I am a sinner and a work in progress. I struggle with moments of self-righteousness and acting in a passive aggressive fashion. But I have come to the realization that this behavior is unacceptable and needs to change. The truth is that I have used my passive aggressiveness for deceit and manipulation because I was unsure of how to be assertive and forthright when people act in a manner that I don't agree with. I have finally come to the end of my rope of patience with myself and others who act in the same manipulative manner, which is why I am trying so hard to change. I am fed up with myself and others who deem it acceptable to play mind games in order to get their way or just to get under someone else's skin.
As a Christian, I should always be forthright and honest. Proverbs 28:13 states, "He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue." We all seem to grow too concerned with what people will think of us if we truly tell them how we feel about a matter or their behavior, so we end up lying to please the other person, which just creates anger and resentment in our hearts. Instead of consistently falling into this cycle and being trapped by our bitterness, we must try and focus on the Lord and what He thinks on the matter and how to handle it. He doesn't want us lying to others, or to become bitter, which is why Ephesians 4:25-27 states, "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."
I dare you all to start living more honestly and to be forthright when you have an issue with a fellow Christian's behavior. Do not approach the situation in an accusing manner and refrain from insults. The world will be a much happier place, though, when people start living in a righteous manner and stop trying to manipulate each other for personal gain. The Relient K song "Come Right Out and Say It" reminds me of this concept, so consider the following lyrics:
Why don't you
Come right out and say it?
Even if the words are probably gonna hurt
I'd rather have the truth
Than something insincere
Why don't you
Come right out and say it (come right out and say it)?
What it is you're thinking
Though I'm thinking it's not what I wanna hear
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Warrior Dash!
So today my roommate and I had one of our usual abnormal bonding opportunities. We trekked to Skirmish, PA, and participated in the Warrior Dash. I made myself a shirt that had Joshua 1:9 on it. This verse seemed fitting considering the name of the race. It is a 3.5 mile long obstacle course that included lots of mud, roots, rocks, a 20 foot wall that we had to scale, castles to run through, tunnels to crawl through, cargo nets to climb, streams and lakes to slosh up, tires to traverse, and fire to jump. We had an amazing experience and laughed most of the way, not counting when I bit it and smashed my knee off a rock in the first mile. That left me limping for a few steps, which was announced by another participant with a hearty yell of "Limping!" in case I was not aware of my own condition. I also smacked my back off the top of a tunnel, but kept trudging along. Pretty much I can't wait to do it again next year and really am looking forward to the other races we plan to run together.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Accepting God's Plan
I have had a lot of thoughts brewing in my mind lately. There have been events that have occurred that have created turmoil in my soul. Part of me questions why this is all happening and I find myself constantly resisting the inevitable outcomes. While I sit here questioning, I remember a verse that was mentioned in my Bible study on Sunday night. The verse was 1 Peter 4:12, which says, "Dear friends, do not be surprised by the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you." Instead of focusing on this verse, though, my mind has been driven by my sin nature and I have become quite selfish wondering if everything is going to spiral out of control. Week after week seems to present me with one more person who I question whether or not they want me to remain a part of their life.
My knee-jerk reaction, of course, is to want to confront the people about what has been going on in their lives to cause them to slowly withdraw. To many, this might seem like the logical solution in order to help the other person search what is causing their own inner turmoil. But at the same time, it appears selfish to try and rescue friendships/relationships for my own benefit so that I do not have to endure the pain that accompanies such a loss. Considering I despise change of any sort, it makes perfect sense that this is how I react in these situations when I am confronted with them.
After much pondering tonight, though, I have come to the conclusion that I am wrong about how I am reacting to these potential relational losses. As painful as it may be to endure, I must remember that it is all part of God's bigger and better plan. I must remember Mark 8:34-37 ~ "Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?" I must remember that my yearning for maintaining my relationships with friends and family in life is focusing on my wants and desires, not God's. What we hope for is always more worldly in nature, when we should truly focus on our spiritual needs. Jesus should always be the center of our lives so that we save our souls. He is the one who saves us and truly knows what is best for our lives. We are placed in situations in order to build our faith and reliance on God and we must remember that just because events do not unfold in the manner we desire does not mean that God is not present and working in our lives. God always has a plan for His people and it is our job to accept that plan, instead of trying to constantly change it to suit what we feel we deserve. But we must remember that God owes us nothing. He doesn't need to bless us with worldly possessions or relationships, but He has mercy on His people and provides them with what He sees fit. Our job is to be thankful for God's blessings no matter what and to worship Him. From here on out, we must limit our questioning of God's intentions and have more acceptance of the events and situations of our lives.
There is a song by Laura Story called "Blessings" that I just heard on Thursday. The lyrics seem to relate to my current situation and seem a fitting ending to this blog post.
My knee-jerk reaction, of course, is to want to confront the people about what has been going on in their lives to cause them to slowly withdraw. To many, this might seem like the logical solution in order to help the other person search what is causing their own inner turmoil. But at the same time, it appears selfish to try and rescue friendships/relationships for my own benefit so that I do not have to endure the pain that accompanies such a loss. Considering I despise change of any sort, it makes perfect sense that this is how I react in these situations when I am confronted with them.
After much pondering tonight, though, I have come to the conclusion that I am wrong about how I am reacting to these potential relational losses. As painful as it may be to endure, I must remember that it is all part of God's bigger and better plan. I must remember Mark 8:34-37 ~ "Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?" I must remember that my yearning for maintaining my relationships with friends and family in life is focusing on my wants and desires, not God's. What we hope for is always more worldly in nature, when we should truly focus on our spiritual needs. Jesus should always be the center of our lives so that we save our souls. He is the one who saves us and truly knows what is best for our lives. We are placed in situations in order to build our faith and reliance on God and we must remember that just because events do not unfold in the manner we desire does not mean that God is not present and working in our lives. God always has a plan for His people and it is our job to accept that plan, instead of trying to constantly change it to suit what we feel we deserve. But we must remember that God owes us nothing. He doesn't need to bless us with worldly possessions or relationships, but He has mercy on His people and provides them with what He sees fit. Our job is to be thankful for God's blessings no matter what and to worship Him. From here on out, we must limit our questioning of God's intentions and have more acceptance of the events and situations of our lives.
There is a song by Laura Story called "Blessings" that I just heard on Thursday. The lyrics seem to relate to my current situation and seem a fitting ending to this blog post.
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Reliability & Responsibilty
What does it mean to be reliable? Looking at the definition in The New Oxford American Dictionary, it is defined as "consistently good in quality or performance; able to be trusted." Another source has the following definition: "can be depended on with confident certainty." My father defines it as "someone who will maintain correspondence." No matter what, being reliable seems to be a quality that people would want to have and maintain.
For a long time I always considered myself reliable. If friends or family needed to talk or needed company for an adventure, I typically made myself available and invested my time and energy into their needs. If I had messages from people online, I would swiftly return an answer, growing confident in my reliability. I would often joke that I was much better at listening and caring about other people's issues than my own.
Once spring hit this year, though, something changed and I can't quite put a finger on it. Between school, work, and numerous other activities, I slowly stopped being reliable. I didn't frequently keep in contact with my friends and acquaintances, or my family. I'm not sure if selfishness or apathy played major roles, but they did play some sort of role. I was overwhelmed and just withdrew into my shell. I think I finally made this realization around my birthday because I didn't get a card from my partly estranged grandma and a friend of mine pretty much told me in no uncertain terms that she could no longer count on me. I am not typing out these issues to gain pity, but for you all to learn from my perspective. I reacted to each of these situations in different manners. I took responsibility for my lack of contact with my friend, but I resented my grandma...that is until I started thinking things over this weekend.
I don't want to get into the details, but for quick background, last summer I visited my grandma for the first time in 12 years. It was by no means perfect, but it was a decent visit overall. Turns out she is not a Christian and doesn't really want anything to do with my family now that she is aware how seriously we take our faith. This of course hurts, but I was wondering why I was so resentful towards her for not keeping in touch because it's not like we were ever close. Once I put everything under the microscope, though, I came to realize that I was never a reliable granddaughter and I needed to take responsibility for that. I was busy blaming her for not sending my family a Christmas card or me a birthday card when I can't even remember the last time I sent her a card or a letter myself. My anger was displaced onto her when I think deep down I was angry with myself for not noticing that I was at the root of the cause of the cutoff communication. There are other factors that weigh in, but I do need to finally accept that this is just the way this situation turned out and part of the blame rests on my shoulders. The entire situation must be analyzed and critiqued, not just a small portion that makes me appear innocent.
Some of you might be wondering what the point of this post really is, and truthfully, so am I. Part of it is to remind everybody that humans are flawed and can't always be trusted. This differs greatly from the Almighty God. 1 Corinthians 1:9 says, "God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." Humanity will always fall short in the realm of reliability when compared to God, so we must always turn to Him in times of great trials.
The other point I wanted to make with this post is that you should always completely dissect a situation, even if it brings to light that you are at fault. In order to get past some of the resentment I had towards my grandma for her lack of correspondence was to finally realize that I am on equal ground with her when it comes to being reliable with writing letters. I still have a lot to learn and will continue to seek God's guidance in trying to understand the situation, but at least I have released a bit of my resentment. Hopefully I will completely forgive in the future, but until then, I will remember that God is the only One I can always count on and He can always be deemed reliable.
For a long time I always considered myself reliable. If friends or family needed to talk or needed company for an adventure, I typically made myself available and invested my time and energy into their needs. If I had messages from people online, I would swiftly return an answer, growing confident in my reliability. I would often joke that I was much better at listening and caring about other people's issues than my own.
Once spring hit this year, though, something changed and I can't quite put a finger on it. Between school, work, and numerous other activities, I slowly stopped being reliable. I didn't frequently keep in contact with my friends and acquaintances, or my family. I'm not sure if selfishness or apathy played major roles, but they did play some sort of role. I was overwhelmed and just withdrew into my shell. I think I finally made this realization around my birthday because I didn't get a card from my partly estranged grandma and a friend of mine pretty much told me in no uncertain terms that she could no longer count on me. I am not typing out these issues to gain pity, but for you all to learn from my perspective. I reacted to each of these situations in different manners. I took responsibility for my lack of contact with my friend, but I resented my grandma...that is until I started thinking things over this weekend.
I don't want to get into the details, but for quick background, last summer I visited my grandma for the first time in 12 years. It was by no means perfect, but it was a decent visit overall. Turns out she is not a Christian and doesn't really want anything to do with my family now that she is aware how seriously we take our faith. This of course hurts, but I was wondering why I was so resentful towards her for not keeping in touch because it's not like we were ever close. Once I put everything under the microscope, though, I came to realize that I was never a reliable granddaughter and I needed to take responsibility for that. I was busy blaming her for not sending my family a Christmas card or me a birthday card when I can't even remember the last time I sent her a card or a letter myself. My anger was displaced onto her when I think deep down I was angry with myself for not noticing that I was at the root of the cause of the cutoff communication. There are other factors that weigh in, but I do need to finally accept that this is just the way this situation turned out and part of the blame rests on my shoulders. The entire situation must be analyzed and critiqued, not just a small portion that makes me appear innocent.
Some of you might be wondering what the point of this post really is, and truthfully, so am I. Part of it is to remind everybody that humans are flawed and can't always be trusted. This differs greatly from the Almighty God. 1 Corinthians 1:9 says, "God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord." Humanity will always fall short in the realm of reliability when compared to God, so we must always turn to Him in times of great trials.
The other point I wanted to make with this post is that you should always completely dissect a situation, even if it brings to light that you are at fault. In order to get past some of the resentment I had towards my grandma for her lack of correspondence was to finally realize that I am on equal ground with her when it comes to being reliable with writing letters. I still have a lot to learn and will continue to seek God's guidance in trying to understand the situation, but at least I have released a bit of my resentment. Hopefully I will completely forgive in the future, but until then, I will remember that God is the only One I can always count on and He can always be deemed reliable.
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