Proverbs 16:18 ~ "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." This particular verse came up at a Bible study I was at last night. The group was finishing up 1 Samuel and discussing King Saul and how his pride got in the way of trusting God. We also discussed how pride is actually the center of all sin and even depression. I found this to be an interesting perspective because one tends to think that depression stems from a lack of confidence, but it can actually come from thinking to highly of oneself. Discussion also swirled around whether we can truly be happy for another's success, which happened to be an idea I had been considering on my drive down to Bible study.
As a runner, you always strive to achieve certain goals and when you feel them slipping out of reach while other runners achieve them, you find yourself partly wishing that it was you in the midst of the excitement and but still finding the ability to be happy for their accomplishments. The root of that temporary hope for the focus to be shifted onto oneself is pride, whether we want to admit to it or not. Nobody ever wants to admit to being prideful, but it happens to everybody because it is in our sin nature. Romans 7:19 says, "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing." Understandably, we want to do that which is good, but we must overcome our sin nature, which means that we must defeat Satan so that he does not control our minds and actions.
I had a very intense struggle on my run this morning with Satan, and I hate to admit that he got the better of me. Instead of trusting God to take care of me, I had taken a step back to my old ways and was relying on my own abilities to get me through to the end. This led to me feeling utterly defeated over the course of the 10 miles on a frigid run with my professor. To make matters worse, my health was still on the mend from my fever on Thursday and I was super congested, making breathing the cold air extremely difficult. Couple that with legs that did not feel like they had any sense of the word "turnover" and I was left teetering on the verge of despair and questioning whether running a marathon on May 15th was even going to be possible. I trudged along the entire way and finished in 1 hour and 30 minutes; the most miserable 90 minutes I have had in a very long time.
After my run, I had many things going through my head. I talked out these feelings with my brother, roommate, and training partners and they all came to the same conclusion. I should focus on the fact that I was able to finish a 10 mile run after not being healthy all week and not running in 6 days. As much as I really wanted to wallow in my own self pity, I knew that they were right. And I was able to think back to short periods in the run where I felt okay, and that was when I had lyrics from the Kutless song "It is Well" going through my head.
I do believe that today was a necessary learning experience. It was positive in the sense that I know I can still run even while I am recovery from a bad cold. That also reminds me that I need to fully recover my health and that it is important to be able to breathe to make running easier. I also need to not focus on past accomplishments and how easy running used to and not let my pride lead me down the road of depression. I am very thankful that I was able to avoid tumbling down into that dark abyss, and I would like to keep it that way. I just have to take it one day at a time and leave the negative from today behind so that I do not ruin my mindset for the rest of the week and future training sessions. I plan on working on building a stronger relationship with God and desperately trying to remind myself that He is the one that I need to turn to, and it is human to forget such a concept.
I am going to leave you with a passage that I opened to in the book "Pure Gold". The words are originally from an old hymnal, but they were very fitting and comforting.
Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
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