Fight the Good Fight

This past week for me has definitely been a fight; a fight against myself and acknowledging that stifling anger and resentment is never the avenue to follow.  It has definitely been a learning experience in how to handle myself and how to approach many situations in life.  My main stumbling block was definitely the anger that seemed to be boiling under my surface and I finally had to confront the source of that anger.  By being truly honest, I was able to ease the anger housed within my soul and continue on with my week.
I definitely think that running and heavy bag training truly saved me this week.  Having the physical outlet for my anger and discontent definitely kept me from completely ruining a good part of my life.  The heavy bag was a quick and easy fix to my aggression and I immediately felt relief after the workout.  Throughout the week, I made sure that I got a couple short runs in leading up to my distance run on Friday.  I truly believe that this all helped to bolster my faith and again realize that I cannot make it through life alone without God.  This became abundantly clear during the last half mile of my 5.75 mile run because I prayed for assistance up that last hill.  I knew in my heart that God had carried me that far so I was confident that He would see me through to the end of my run.  Upon completion, 2 Timothy 4:7 came to mind, which states, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."  Every day is a battle, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, and it is an accomplishment to survive.  Because of this, we must always remember to give thanks to God every step of the way, for without Him, we would be nothing.

Enjoyment After Questioning

Today I went on a quick run with my roommate.  Nothing about the run was ordinary, which is probably why I enjoyed it.  It had just stopped raining, which was preceded by 2 inches of snow and a coating of ice (mind you it's winter in the Poconos), so the terrain was unpredictable to say the least.  About a half mile into the run, we had to stop for a freight train to pass before we could continue.  There were huge puddles that we desperately tried to avoid and snowbanks that we had to seek refuge in when cars came our way and the sidewalk disappeared.  The icing on the cake was when a car passed us and sprayed slush on us; we both burst out laughing.  Our last hurdle, literally, was a snow pile that we decided to conquer before turning for home.  Once we finished, I exclaimed that it was the most fun I had had on a run in a long time.
My reasoning for this running feeling like such a success was because I was finally accepting that I could not put all trust in my own abilities.  I realized yesterday that I easily get bored and lose confidence in myself.  I believe the reason I haven't been able to wrap my head around training for another marathon is because I'm not sure that I can do it.  Once I stop only looking to my own abilities and trust in the Lord, I know that I will be able to accomplish my goals.  God has blessed me with training partners, and I fully intend to utilize them because I believe they have been brought into my life for a purpose.
In times like this, I turn to Psalm 62:8, which declares, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." God knows that in my heart I am hesitant to do another marathon after dropping out of Harrisburg, so He has provided me with trusted individuals to help me along the way.  Another pertinent verse is Proverbs 3:5-6, which states, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  Every step of the way, I plan on honoring God by acknowledging Him with every step of the 26.2 mile race and attributing the appointment of training partners to Him.  I know in my heart that I cannot do this alone, so I plan on calling on God through the whole process and making sure that I hardly ever train alone in the physical sense in order to remain confident on the path God has set as my course.

Fellowship is a Blessing

Following Bible study Sunday night and chilling at my apartment/school Monday, I am realizing the necessity for fellowship.  It is a blessing to find individuals who believe in you, share similar beliefs and ambitions, and have a true interest in what you are doing with your life.  It's invigorating to talk for hours with those who can easily share, as well as listen, about anything from missions trips and running, to previous injuries and future goals.
Finding those who get excited about what goals you are pursuing in life is also a fantastic feeling.  I ran into my professor at school and she was telling me that she was excited for marathon training and us participating in Delaware.  Thankfully the original lofty goal has been reduced to a completely reasonable achievement, with the major focus being on fun and completing the race.  My roommate is equally excited for my future and we are determined to help each other with training.
I am extremely thankful for the people that God has blessed me with.  In the past, I have had to make difficult decisions about the kind of individuals I surround myself with, but lately, I have come to the conclusion that I have finally found positive people to have in my life.  Bible study feels like home, my roommate and I encourage each other to perform to the best of our abilities no matter what, and I have a respected professor who believes I can achieve a running goal that has eluded me for 3 years.  I also have many individuals in my life that always have my back and I can discuss the Word with. This is very important to me because 1 Corinthians 15:33 states, "Do not be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character.'"  I take that as I should not be constantly surrounded by negative influences; not that I should never hang out with individuals that I don't always see eye to eye.  It is not my job to judge, and just because you are different from me, does not mean that we cannot hangout.  Unfortunately, it just cannot be on a consistent basis because I take the Word of God seriously.  I need to make sure that I have close friends who share my beliefs, understand my goals, and can bolster my confidence because they understand what makes my mind tick.  Thus the reason I am very grateful to have a friend with a psychology degree so that I can have "couch time" to ease my mind when I get frazzled.  I'm equally thankful for the families who adopt me during the school year and discuss the Gospel with me over dinner so that I can refresh my Spirit in the midst of my course work.
Whether it involves discussing or participating in sports, God, or relaxing activities, I am thankful for my fellowship with those that have been put into my life for a reason.  I can learn much from those who have been strategically placed in my life, and I only need to pray to discover who is truly meant to be around for life or just a season.

Courage to Start, Faith to Finish

I believe I first saw the quote, "Courage to start, faith to finish" in an issue of Runner's World magazine.  Ever since then, I have lived by that motto.  One of my Duckateers (nickname for my Steamtown Marathon supporters) had it written on her shirt, I have it engraved on my RoadID bracelet, and a close friend had the phrase printed on a sweatshirt for my birthday last year.
It takes great courage to undertake great distances on the road and trails, but it does take faith to finish these endeavors.  Often, faith is misconstrued as belief in one's own abilities, but Hebrews 11:1 outlines it by stating, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."  In this context, it has a much deeper meaning than just belief in self.  As human beings, we can only accomplish so much because we are flawed.  But by having faith, we are harnessing the power of the Holy Spirit within us.  We are confident in our hopes to accomplish the impossible because we have the reassurance of the Holy Spirit within us, which we can not see physically.  For all the skeptics, turn to 1 Corinthians 6:19, which says, "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;"  
Once accepting Jesus as your Savior, one can recruit the help of the Holy Spirit through prayer by having faith in His assistance.  Whenever one is struggling during a race, just call on God and He will lighten your load and help you finish if you truly believe.  With His help, anything is possible if you have faith and don't rely on your own abilities.

Never Alone Amid the Toil of Running

While analyzing myself, I come to realize that I am afraid of failure.  I strive to do well in school and also in my running.  Unfortunately, this fear has kept me from even starting any kind of serious training in the past couple years.  I might run here and there, but I have not consistently trained in about 3 years.  I easily find myself bored and I talk myself out of continuing for concern that I will not be able to go the distance.
What I need to remember is that I am never alone in my pursuits.  Every time I lace up my running shoes and head out the door, I need to remember that God is right there with me and I do not need to fear failure. He will help me slog through the end of any run if only I give Him the chance to help.  In Joshua 1:9, it says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."  I admit that I struggle to remember this fact, but I must pray constantly in order to remind myself that even though I am physically alone on a run, I am not spiritually alone.  God is with me every step of the way and I can use my runs to get closer to Him.
Deep in my heart, I believe it is Satan who prevents me from trying to go out and accomplish my goals on the roads and trails.  Satan hopes to turn me away from God by belittling my self-confidence so that I don't even give running a sound attempt, let alone a relationship with God.  Because of this conclusion, I must pray more fervently and delve into the Word in order to combat the weaknesses Satan attacks me with in order to truly enjoy the peace of a lengthy run.  I must have courage and remember that God will never leave my side.

Knowing That Help is a Necessity, Not an Option

I have recently started running again, which is a very difficult process after taking several months off.  It is hard for me to conceive my capabilities when I get winded after only about a mile and easily convince myself that I am bored.  In my mind, I know that I have accomplished a lot with my running, including conquering the newest rage, the marathon.
But that accomplishment is sitting on a shelf in my mind covered in three years of dust.  Unfortunately, my thought process never remains on this accomplishment long.  It always drifts ahead to one month later to one of my well kept failures; my DNF (did not finish for those who are not adept at running vernacular) in the Harrisburg Marathon.  After struggling with constant side-stitches and the need to puke but not being able to from mile 6 until mile 18, where I began walking on and off, I dropped out at mile 22, which I have calculated out to being approximately 85%.  I remember my mom asking me if I would be willing to deal with the fact that I would not be completing the race.  To be exact, she asked me 4-5 times, and I responded "yes" to every time.
The truth is, I lied.  I have never been okay with my DNF, and believe that I have been haunted by this fact ever since.  That reason being is because I have escaped all manner of road races and gone onto such outrageous trail endeavors such as the North Face Endurance Challenge, Dirty Bird, Chilly Cheeks, Ugly Mudder, Mt. Penn Mudfest, and the Tough Mudder.  I think I was trying to outrun my fears that I was not cut out to be a runner and trying to compete in events that nobody else I knew was participating in so that I had no means of comparison.  I also completed two half marathons, but not with the necessary training.  With my most recent half, though, I did realize that I came within 10 minutes of my fastest half, which I did finish while I was training for my marathon.  That was when the wheels in my brain started turning.
In my infinite wisdom, I began wondering why I even ran in the first place.  After awhile, I did realize that I used to enjoy the sport, but I have a tendency to maintain a love/hate relationship with it.  I also have entered races because I didn't want certain people accomplishing a task before I had attempted it myself (curse you competitive nature).
After some toiling, I did talk to one of my professors who was looking to do a race in the spring.  I mentioned what I have already previously stated, and she determined that I needed to get back in the saddle and conquer my fears, but to do so for the sake of finishing and not looking at a watch.  But just to make it worth her while, she did tack on a goal that she believes in her heart I can accomplish, but I am dreadfully afraid I will fall short.  What struck me, though, was the fact that I had mentioned all of my shortcomings and how I faltered in the past, and she continued to be adamant in what she believed I could do.  I then discussed the prospect with my roommate.  She agreed with my professor in the fact that she believes in my abilities, but she is willing to go as far as to help me by running with me and providing me with a support system.
Then it hit me.  The reason I dropped out of Harrisburg was because I believed in myself.  Now to some of you, that might sound completely odd, but I was only relying on my own abilities.  I never asked for help or guidance from the One who is with us constantly.  I never prayed for God's assistance, which was considerably foolish.  It is written in Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."  That means that if I believe that I can conquer some staggering goal in the future, I better go to Him for assistance through constant prayer.  I must pray and admit that I cannot perform to the best of my abilities without Him in order to gain strength.  When I struggle on my early runs as I try to build up a base to begin my training for May, I must turn my thoughts to God and remember that He is with me always and can ease my hardships by lending me His strength.  I do also realize that God has provided me with a human support system for the times that I feel that I physically need to see someone who believes in me. He will know the days when I am close to mental defeat and that will be when He has me train with either my roommate or professor to bolster my confidence and strength through Him.  For that, I will give Him constant praise and thanks always.