Have you ever wondered how you ended up at a particular moment in your life and realized that it was way too late to ever turn back and "make things right" as they say (whoever they are)? Last Monday, I had one of those moments and have done my best not to dwell on it ever since, but I've reached a point where I don't have enough distractions to keep my questioning thoughts at bay.
I'm sure the majority of people in this world have lost touch with particular friends or individuals in their lives, allowing friendships to fade into the background bearing no second thought. This past semester, I became busier than usual and apparently let one of my friendships slip to the wayside, (though I was informed it started before that) and unfortunately, it has not gone quietly. Rather, it slowly eroded until Monday, which is when it apparently imploded into oblivion. I'll admit I definitely played a role in the neglect, possibly choosing to spend time with others rather than this person, and probably became severely apathetic back in April. But what I am also aware of is that it takes two to make any friendship work, and I think I am most appalled that all of the blame has been placed on my shoulders, along with being told that I was not a good friend and this person no longer wants me in her life.
Over the past couple of days, I have done my best to not think about this particular setback in my life. Those close to me have told me to not blame myself, which is easier said than done, especially when I'm a fan of the Switchfoot song "Stars", which starts out with the lines, "Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame. But even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same." Other friends have forbidden me to think all together, which is pretty much impossible, but fun to attempt. The best advice I received from a friend was to not beat myself up over things that aren't completely my fault and out of my control and to also stop thinking I cause everything to happen because I'm not God. I definitely appreciated all of this advice, but I feel it's hard for others to understand because getting told that I wasn't a good friend jumped past the realm of a slap in the face, straight to being a borderline crippling statement. To try and stay positive, I settled for listening to the song, "Up and Up" by Relient K in order to gain some sort of direction or meaning. The following lines are where I gained the most insight:
"Yesterday, is not quite what it could have been...But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in, I'll be trying to make it so much more...Cause I seem to get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong. And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see...I'm on the up and up and I haven't given up. Given up on what I know I'm capable of...To be content with where I am and where I need to be, I'm moving past the past where I have failed."
My recent trip to New Orleans with a good friend of mine also helped to keep me from dwelling on my issues. I didn't want my wandering thoughts to prevent us from having a splendid time in the Big Easy, so I tried my best to keep everything on the back burner. Eventually, though, these thoughts became too persistent and needed to be addressed, which turned out to be while relaxing in an off-the-beaten-path park just outside the French Quarter whilst pondering potential tattoo ideas. I'm not sure if I will ever actually get a tattoo, but I have always figured that I would utilize a meaningful Bible verse, though I was never sure which one until that day in the park. While thinking over the messages I received on Monday, it suddenly hit me that the first portion of Proverbs 17:17 would be the most fitting for me. This states, "A friend loves at all times," which is a very powerful statement in my book because no matter what the situation, whether it be joy, anger, or personal crisis, a friend should love you through each and every moment. Sanctus Real has a song entitled, "We Need Each Other" that touches on this point. Some of the following lines ring true for me:
"I think I caught a glimpse of a life without friends. Bitter, empty, hollow, dark and lonely. We never meant to hurt each other so can't we trust again? And take it as a chance to keep on growing...Oh, it's just part of being a family. Taking the good with the bad and the ugly...Oh, oh, we need each other so what's the fighting for? Oh, oh, we need each other, please don't close the door. Oh, oh, we need each other through all the highs and lows. Oh, oh, we need each other and I don't wanna be alone."
If, instead, you are constantly walking on eggshells because you are so afraid of screwing up or being a let down, then maybe the person that you consider a friend is really no friend at all. This thought crossed my mind as I pondered the recent events in my life, especially since I was written off so quickly with no chance for redemption. I know I have screwed up and I know she has screwed up, but without the chance of forgiveness to rebuild the relationship, there is nothing left to do but move on.
In order to work towards contentment in the moving on process, I've been listening to "This is Home" by Switchfoot, which begins with the following lyrics: "I've got my memories always inside of me, but I can't go back, back to how it was." What I need to do now is focus on the fact that God is in charge and knows exactly what He wants in my life. He planned out everything before I was even born, which is apparent in Revelation 22:13 that says, "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End." Instead of dwelling on the what-ifs of this situation, I think I am just going to accept what God has chosen for me in my life. I will leave you all with one final thought to ponder, though. The notes for Proverbs 17:17 in my NIV Life Application Study Bible state the following: "What kind of friend are you? There is a vast difference between knowing someone well and being a true friend. The greatest evidence of genuine friendship is loyalty (loving "at all times")--being available to help in times of distress or personal struggles. Too many people are fair-weather friends. They stick around when the friendship helps them and leave when they're not getting anything out of the relationship. Think of your friends and assess your loyalty to them. Be the kind of true friend the Bible encourages."
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