Take a Leap of Faith

I have desperately been trying to avoid confronting the realization that I am at a huge crossroad in my life. For the first time in 18 years, I will not be going to school in September. Instead, I must search for a job in order to earn an income. Part of my avoidance of reality is because I have been enjoying myself so much this summer. The other part is due to being scared.
For the majority of my life, I have never been one to handle change well. But following my trip to Europe, I feel like I have gained a greater outlook on my life and all of my current circumstances. I have discovered that it is normal to be scared and unsure of what might happen tomorrow, but that it's important to remember that God is constantly watching over me. He knows what my future holds, and not just my career. He is aware of the troubles I will face, and He is aware of the friendships and relationships I will build, and that gives me great comfort. For so long I have tried to go through life aimlessly on my own and spent way too much time thinking about whether this or that is a good fit for me. This of course has produced in me a habit of what I have termed hyper-rationalization. I get to a point where I overanalyze a particular situation so much that I miss out on the potential positives that it could have provided. It makes me think of the show, Bones, which revolves around a forensic anthropologist, who is always trying to rationalize her life away. Her best friend on the show said  the following as way to try and explain the dangers of her thought patterns: "If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is ever going to touch you." I am determined to no longer live in this fashion so that I can experience all of the joy, and the occasional pain, life has to offer. Without risk, I will constantly miss out, so I must not leave the decision-making to myself.
The only way to truly live a freeing life is to put all of your requests before God and listen to his answers. He is the best guide throughout life and should always be consulted on important decisions in life. We must choose to be like Peter and have enough trust to step out on the choppy waters when Jesus says, "Come." (Matthew 14:29). I have a shirt to remind me of this that says, "Why stay in the boat when you can walk on water?" But unlike Peter, we must not allow our fear to usher doubt into the decision to follow where Jesus guides us. We must accept whatever He says as truth and have the faith to be completely obedient. This could be a call in any realm of your life, whether it be your career, friendships, travel plans, where to live, or relationships. God is all knowing and the only way to make the best decisions is to pray to God for guidance and not rely on your own heart and mind because they are of this fallen world and susceptible to Satan's demons who love to infuse doubt and negative thinking.
On my drive home last night, I was listening to a song by Kutless called "What Faith Can Do" and was struck by the following verse:

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard

Impossible is not a word

It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death

When they decide to take that step

Out on the water

It’ll be alright

Life is so much more

Than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way

If you keep believing

I feel that these words will help remind me to look to God and make all important decisions based on faith. There are so many aspects of this life that are unseen and unless you have the faith to believe in them and that you are being guided down the right path, you will never live a truly fulfilling life and you will miss out on countless blessings due to hyper-rationalization. Desire contentment and rest for your soul from the peace of overthinking. Take a leap of faith and allow God to guide you and you just might find that desired peace of mind you have so desperately searched for on your own, but to no avail.

Remove Fear to Follow

Awareness to Avoid the Routine

I feel that many Christians fall into a bad habit. I believe that many focus so much on how to avoid falling into sin that they eventually turn into judgemental characters who try to point out sinners, and thus, constantly try to avoid and shun such characters. The problems with this philosophy include the following: we are all sinners and we are meant to bring the message of Christ to everybody. We must not fall into our Christian cliques and strive to constantly surround ourselves with those with whom we can share fellowship. We must do the uncomfortable and be like Jesus who chose to preach and make friends with the supposed outsiders. He would much rather have dinner with a prostitute than a Pharisee. So instead of placing judgement on others, which is not our job anyway, how about we start to share the Word of God with all who surround us, no matter what their background. In doing so, meditate on Colossians 4:3-6 ~ "And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."

Family is More Than Sharing a Bloodline

As some of you may know, I am currently in Europe visiting friends and family. What many of you may not be aware of is that fact that I have always yearned to have a close-knit family, but this has never been possible with the majority of my relatives in Germany. Now that I have spent a great deal of time with them, I have come to the following conclusion: family is more than sharing a bloodline.
On Saturday, Nick and I found ourselves on a flight to Paris. We were going to play tourists for a handful of hours before hopping a train to Massy to visit our friends, Nate and Erica. In actuality, though, this visit to spend time with friends felt more welcoming and more like family than when I was with my relatives in Germany. The distinct difference is that we share the same faith as Nate and Erica, whereas the rest of my relatives say they are Christians, but don't truly have Jesus in their hearts.
On Sunday, we found ourselves in church, hearing a message spoken in French. Although I did not understand the sermon, I still felt very welcome in fellowship with the other believers. After the message, I actually ended up in a lengthy conversation with a woman who grew up in the Champagne region of France, but had moved to Massy about 20 years ago. It was very refreshing to be able to have comfortable conversation with this woman in English, in France of all places.
It is this like-mindedness in Christ and shared faith that truly makes a family. Without God at the center, we feel very disconnected. This trip has definitely reminded me that family is not always about who you are related to, but who you share your faith with. Those of similar faith are those best suited to you for personal and spiritual encouragement. Romans 1:12 says, "that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith." I find this verse to be completely true. Those Christians who I find myself bound closest to are the one's who provide the most meaningful encouragement in my life. And that, in my mind, is the true meaning of family.

Resist the Urge to Please People

"To follow me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your desire to please other people."
"Find freedom through seeking to please Me above all else. You can only have one Master. When you let others' expectations drive you, you scatter your energy to the winds." -Sarah Young from Jesus Calling

Capitalism is what drives American society in this day and age, and unfortunately, this mentality is how we approach many relationships in life. We go around wondering what people can do for us instead of what we can do for them. Or we end up trying to keep people happy because we feel that is the only way to maintain our friendships. Let me tell you now that this way of thinking is dead wrong. Life should not be lived based on other people's opinions, nor should we go about trying to use people for our own gain.
I'm going to be completely honest with you here. I have spent the majority of my life trying to be a people-pleaser, but to no avail. In the recent months, though, I have come to the conclusion that I would much rather have few friends who truly like me for me, than to have a boatload of friends who only like me for who I am related to or associated with. I am well aware of the fact that I have numerous acquaintances who have been friendly towards me only for these reasons or tried to achieve personal gain from their association with me. I'm not stupid, but in certain instances, I allowed it since it gave me an avenue to discuss Jesus with them. But I have also been brave and stepped out of situations where I did not feel welcomed for being who I am. I have left churches, not just because I felt it wasn't completely Bible centered teaching, but also because people who had known me for awhile still called me by someone else's name or asked me more about how my friends and family were than how I was.
The clearest slap in the face that God gave me, though, was on my current trip to Germany. In order to convey that I liked dinner, I ate 3.5 pieces of pork and had two heaping servings of potatoes and green beans. But, alas, my Oma still wasn't convinced that I liked her cooking and all I was left with was an extremely full stomach.
That was the point I was determined to change. Instead of putting so much energy into being people focused, I was bound and determined to become more Jesus focused. I am currently reading Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman, which is all about how many people are fans of Jesus, but not true followers. They like what He stands for, but they are not willing to make Him number one in their hearts and put complete trust in Jesus. Instead, they still play by their own rules, making constant justifications to the decisions they have made in life. Instead of listening to the words in Luke 9:23 where Jesus commands, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow." Unfortunately, many are determined to not let Jesus change their lives in such a radical fashion. They prefer their earthly comforts because they don't know any better and don't know how else to find joy. But Jesus is the only path to true joy, so we must choose to follow Him wholeheartedly. It won't be easy at first, but with practice, it will be second nature.
I know that I am at a crossroads in life being as I just finished school and I have no job lined up. My human nature tells me I have to search for a new role to fill in order to accomplish something in life. The two problems with this way of thinking is that it completely eliminates God's plan for me, which is why I have found Galatians 3:3 and 1 Corinthians 7:20 to be so useful and important. These verses state, "Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" and "Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him." In essence, I should not insult God by trying to find my place in life, nor should I radically change who I am or where I am unless it is in His will. I cannot see into the future and where I will end up in life. I must, instead, trust in God wholeheartedly that I am where I am supposed to be and that He will guide me into my proper situation when He feels I am ready. I will ask in prayer what His plans are, but I refuse to jump the gun without truly believing it is what He wants and not what I want.
I think this is truly the purpose behind my trip to Europe: to reestablish my relationship with Jesus. I had always thought that it would be to get closer to members of my family, but that was not the case and I am grateful I have come to the realization of God's plan so that I would not remain frustrated over the fact that my plan was not to be. I have finally accepted that things are the way they are and that has allowed me to release pent up resentment in my heart. I finally feel content in life and have no desire to try and make excess efforts to have more than a superficial relationship with certain people. A line from Not a Fan says it best: "One of the basic truths about love is that is can't be forced." This is something I have always known and been aware of, but it is helpful to have the reminder. Instead of being bitter over the friends I have lost, I have become ever more grateful for those who have chosen to remain by my side in the good times and the bad.
So from here on out, I plan on trying to follow Jesus with all of my heart and to not force situations or relationships that He does not desire me to have. He has placed certain people in my life to help me along my journey and it is up to Him how long they remain there. It might be an hour. day, week, month, year, or a lifetime. I will never know, but I will no longer try so hard to please people in a weak attempt to get them to like me. If they don't like me for who I am, then that is their choice and I would much prefer being able to count my true friends on one hand than have a fake posse.

My Life is a Jumble of Switchfoot Lyrics

Oh, I'm a wandering soul. ~Enough to Let Me Go
I've been searching for a place of my own. ~This is Home
This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose? ~This is Your Life
I dare you to move like today never happened before. ~Dare You to Move
I wanna spend the rest of my life alive. ~Mess of Me
Alone, all I know. I still got mountains to climb on my own. ~Enough to Let Me Go
I'm so confused what's true or false. What's fact or fiction after all. ~Yet
She's been breaking up inside. ~Lonely Nation
I'm tired of feeling low. ~Lonely Nation
When I look at the stars I feel like myself. ~Stars
Finally free. Finally strong. Somewhere back where I belong. ~Setting Sun
I've got a wound that doesn't heal. Not sure which of me is real. ~The Setting Sun
You're a lonely soul in a land of broken hearts. Far from home is the perfect place to start. ~Golden
Here we are now with our desperate youth and pain, we're awakening. Maybe it's called ambition. You've been talking in your sleep about a dream. ~Awakening
Daisy, let it go. Open up your fists. This fallen world doesn't hold your interest, it doesn't hold your soul. ~Daisy
Is this a new fear or just another fright? Is this a new tear or just another desperation? I miss direction most in all this desperation. ~The Blues
Every breath is not yours to own. ~Enough to Let Me Go
Belief over misery. I've seen the enemy. ~This is Home
Welcome to the fallout. Welcome to resistance. The tension is here between who you are and who you could be. Between how it is and how it should be. ~Dare You to Move
What happens next? ~Dare You to Move
We hide inside our shells. It's hard to free the one's you love when you can't forgive yourself. ~Mess of Me
We were meant to live for so much more, but we lost ourselves. Somewhere we live inside. ~Meant to Live
These are the scars, deep in your heart. This is the place you were born. This is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out from the places you were torn. ~Always
Are you discontented? Have you been pushing hard? It'll be a day like this one when the world caves in. ~The Blues
Everything is broken. Everything is breaking down. We are broken. We are bitter. We're the problem. ~Politicians
And the world is flawed, but these scars will heal. ~We Are One Tonight
I want to live like I know what I'm leaving. ~Awakening
My heart is darker than these oceans. My heart is frozen underneath. ~Shadow Proves the Sunshine
Fumbling his confidence and wondering why the world has past him by. Hoping that he's bent for more than arguments and failed attempts to fly. ~Meant to Live
Maybe our stars are unanimously tired. ~Let Your Love Be Strong
Maybe we've been living with our eyes half open. Maybe we're bent and broken. ~Meant to Live
All attempts have failed. ~Yet
I am my own affliction. I am my own disease. ~Mess of Me
Crooked souls try and stay up straight. Dry eyes in the pouring rain. Well, the shadow proves the sunshine. ~Shadow Proves the Sunshine
Let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunderclouds. All my world hanging on your love. ~Let Your Love Be Strong
We were more than the world's got to offer, and everything inside screams for second life. ~Meant to Live
I want to wake up kicking and screaming. I want to know that my heart's still beating. ~Awakening
I've got my memory always inside of me, but I can't go back, back to how it was. ~This is Home
The sickness is myself. I've made a mess of me. I wanna get back the rest of me. ~Mess of Me
This is your life and today is all you've got now; and today is all you'll ever have. ~This is Your Life
We're just used to bad news. ~Lonely Nation
Maybe I've been the problem. Maybe I'm the one to blame. But even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same. ~Stars
Does justice ever find you? Do the wicked ever lose? ~The Blues
Let the wars begin. Let my strength wear thin. Let my fingers crack, let my world fall apart; train the monkeys on my back to fight. Let it start tonight when my world explodes. When my stars touch the ground, falling down like broken satellites. ~Let Your Love Be Strong
You push until you're shoving. You bend until you break. ~The Blues
I've come undone. I don't have a soul to trust in now with the whole world upside down. ~We Are One Tonight
In this world of news, I've found nothing new. I've found nothing pure. Maybe I'm just idealistic to assume the truth. Could be fact and form that love could be a verb. Maybe I'm just a little misinformed. ~Let Your Love Be Strong
She's been staring down the demons who've been screaming she's just another so-and-so. ~Golden
Oh, Lord, why did you forsake me? Oh, Lord, don't be faraway. Storm clouds gathering beside me. Please, Lord, don't look the other way. ~Shadow Proves the Sunshine
You are golden child. Don't let go tonight. ~Golden
I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor. ~Dare You to Move
I'm losing ground and gaining speed. I've lost myself or most of me. I'm headed for the final precipice. But you haven't lost me yet. ~Yet
She's alone tonight with a bitter cup. She's undone tonight; she's all used up. ~Golden
So I lay my head back down and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours. ~Only Hope
There's a fear that burns like trash inside. ~Golden
Created for a place I've never known. ~This is Home
There ain't no drug to make me well. ~Mess of Me
I'm alone again. ~The Setting Sun
I know now you're my only hope. ~Only Hope
My hope runs underneath it all the day that I'll be home. ~The Setting Sun

Alone in a Faraway Land

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be in a foreign country with hardly a soul who speaks in a tongue you understand? Ever wonder how you will convey your thoughts to those around you with the small bits of vocabulary and grammar you possess of the language in the country you are visiting? Currently, this happens to be my reality as I am in Germany with my brother visiting relatives from my Dad's side of the family for the next 10 days.
So far it has been quite an experience, but difficulties have presented themselves. For one, my German is nicht so gut (not very good). Then, of course, my brother is not only male, but a Muth male, making him a man of few, if any words at times, and those words are most likely in German as well. I love him dearly, but this makes life difficult for me when I tend to enjoy conversation and banter throughout my day. There is a chance he will read this or StumbleUpon this blog, so I apologize to you, Nick, but I am just trying to lay out facts, not criticism.
I'm sure God is greatly amused by my little predicament. It's almost like He is saying, "Hey, Kayla. Stop trying to rely on others or yourself so much and talk to Me." Maybe He is also trying to see if I will drive myself crazy talking to myself over the next 10 days. Anything is certainly possible, but it is a challenge I am willing to meet head on. I refuse to worry about what I might do because that is not how I am meant to spend my time whilst 3000 some odd miles from home. Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore, don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I can certainly relate to this because each day boasts its own new, unique challenges. These challenges range from eating what Oma cooks in order to help re-enforce the fact that I do actually like her cooking, navigating the streets of Frankfurt after the Women's World Cup Final, to trying to exchange currency. I also know my future will certainly have plenty because I am currently jobless and practically everybody I know is talking about wanting a change of scenery or location in life and these are just situations God will help guide me through and accept.
As much as I feel I can conquer each challenge, I still feel relatively alone in the matter. As I said earlier, Nick isn't one for socializing currently, and the rest of the family knows maybe 20 English words, tops. Which leaves me myself and God to talk to for the majority of this foreign excursion. Thankfully, I know and trust that God is always there to listen, especially in my frustration. The Holy Spirit is housed within me; even if I don't see it, I know it is there. Hebrews 11:1 states, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Just because we don't see God on a daily basis doesn't mean He isn't there. He has been with me every step of the way so far, that's for sure. He has kept me from being my usual, overthinking self, which is a blessing because I surely would have gone crazy by now if that wasn't the case.
I have come to realize that it is the times that I am most alone that God is probably the most present and He urges us to talk to Him in prayer. Prayer demands alone time, and I have taken advantage of such opportunities, especially yesterday on my 17 minute ride from Oberursel to Frankfurt on the S5. I prayed for greater understanding of the German language, patience with everybody, and the ability to consume any and all meals my Oma prepared. Thankfully, the words of Luke 11:9-10 (So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.) rang true in my life. I was able to hold a decent conversation with my Aunt Edith later in the evening, and actually received a complement on my improving German (which is a surprise because she is apt to be the most critical at times) and I was able to have my entire bowl of zucchini soup and fried potato pancakes (yes, you read that correctly, SOUP). All in all, a very successful day thanks to answered prayer.
So maybe, just maybe, I won't go crazy by the end of this trip, but we'll have to see what the next 9 days have to offer. The best advice, though, is to pray constantly to the One who can always provide help.

Accept the Breakdown as a Learning Experience

Ever feel like life keeps pummeling you with trials that you can't always juggle? My life seems to have turned into a circus act as of late, and I've found it very difficult to continue functioning in a normal manner. I think my main issue is that I have tried too much to just rely on myself, and we all know that's not how life works. The reason we are given so much to handle and take in is so that we finally come to that realization that we need Jesus to get us through each and every day. The only problem with having so much go wrong in life all at once is that we begin to question whether or not God is really there watching over us. Some might call this doubt; others lack of faith. I call it human nature. I don't question God's presence. I know He is there even if I don't always sense it. It reminds me of lyrics from the song "Give Me Faith". The bridge says the following: I may be weak. Your spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail. My God you never will. The essence of this is that, as humans, we can never fully live up to God's expectations, but with His help, we can achieve glory.
I believe my main issue lately isn't necessarily that my life is falling apart. I feel I have become lazy in my faith. A relationship with God takes a lot of effort to maintain. Like any other relationship, if you don't remain close and have a continual dialogue, it fades. I have struggled lately in my prayer life and have been too earthly focused. I have gotten frustrated at circumstances and wished they didn't occur instead of praying the matter over and giving God the burden. Much like the words in Hebrews 6:12, "We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised."
I can tell you that this verse definitely rings true in my life. I have not been the poster girl for patience. Quite the opposite, actually. My heart has grown cold and my patience for people and their idiocy has disappeared. My temper has become short-fused, and this is all because I have not maintained a healthy prayer life with my God and Savior. My goal is to start reading my Bible more consistently in order to gain more peace of mind and to remind myself that God is in charge of my life and knows all that will happen, even if I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants into uncharted waters. Slowly but surely I hope to regain my composure so that I can strengthen my relationship with God and so that I am a more pleasant person to be around. When I can sense that people would prefer to not be in my presence, it's time for a change.
The next time you feel utterly defeated over your circumstances and feel that God doesn't have your back, listen to the song Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. The lyrics are pretty powerful and serve as a good reminder that tomorrow is another day and joy is coming for those who believe that Jesus is their Savior.

Do you wonder why you have to

Feel the things that hurt you

If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see

And all those things are happening

To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends

You know where you’re going

You just don’t know how you’ll get there

So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God

But life is not a snapshot

It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory

All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing

Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling

It’s just the dark before the morning 

Avoid Acts of Revenge

How many times have you encountered circumstances that you just don't view as fair? If you are a living, breathing human being, I'll bet this thought has crossed your mind on numerous occasions. Like the cliches of old, life is not a cake walk. What we must not forget, though, is the fact that God has a purpose behind every situation in our life and we must not seek revenge when we are dealt a bad hand.
There were many times in my high school running career that I felt that I got shafted during a race. I remember running at the Icebreaker Relays my sophomore year and being in third place rounding the final curve to the finish line. Unfortunately as I was coming around the bend, a shot-putter stepped onto the track, and I had to quick sidestep into the adjacent lane to avoid him. That split-second sidestep ended up costing my relay team a bronze medal...by one stride. Needless to say, I was extremely upset, but I had to accept the fact that I was not meant to receive a medal that year. I could have gone and yelled at the shot-putter, but what would that have accomplished? Absolutely nothing.
One particular runner who has had to deal with her fair share of criticism over the years is British marathoner, Paula Radcliffe. To many, including myself, the accomplishments of Paula Radcliffe are astonishing. She holds the world record in the marathon and she has won the London and New York City marathons. But alas, an Olympic gold medal remains elusive in her career. Many people have criticized her about this over the years, especially when she dropped out of the marathon in Athens in 2004. Surprisingly, though, she always seems to make a comeback and uses her running to speak for her instead of lashing out at the barrage of criticisms.
We should all try our best to ignore our critics and live life to the fullest. We will all experience our fair share of blows and unjust accusations, but the most important concept to remember is to not allow our emotions to seek revenge. Romans 12:17-19 states, "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord." These are very important words to live by, especially in our darkest moments when we must endure our most difficult struggles. It is of upmost importance to allow God to take vengeance on anybody who has caused you harm, instead of taking action yourself. We must remember that God is in charge and that every experience we encounter serves a deeper purpose.
I find it most difficult to rest on my laurels when somebody I care about gets attacked or hurt, whether it be physically or emotionally. I always find myself seething in a fit of anger whenever those I care for most end up in an unreasonable situation. My knee-jerk reaction leans towards confronting whoever has hurt someone I love and making them pay for what they have done. This is much like Simon Peter's reaction to the arrest of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane in John 18:10; he was so infuriated by the injustice of the arrest that he chopped off the ear of the high priest's servant. It is important to remember the reaction Jesus had in response to Simon Peter's act of revenge. In John 18:11, Jesus says, "Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" This is a very important point. We are not privy to the knowledge of God, and thus, we are unaware of His purpose for placing our friend's and family into certain situations. We may not be thrilled by any of the pain and suffering that they must endure, but it is our job to not seek revenge when it is not our place. Life is a series of very tough learning experiences, and it is not our job to seek revenge for all of the injustices that plague this fallen world. All we can do is pray for a better tomorrow and hope that God will bring healing to those who are hurting and devastated by despair.
"The Redeemer" by Sanctus Real seems to be a very fitting song to help remind us that even when we suffer injustice at the hands of others, we have an all loving God who redeems us and we can place our hope in Him.