Newsflash: It's Not About You

"But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves." ~James 1:22

Obedience and actually living out what the Bible says has been on my mind a lot lately. Hard to believe it was only a week ago that I chose to get baptized after being a Christian for ten years. Part of the reason it's so hard to believe is because I spent the past week volunteering with Samaritan's Purse in Washington, IL, after the tornado that swept through the area just two weeks ago. 

Reflecting on my volunteer experience, I distinctly remember thinking to myself, "It's not about you," in the middle of the week. That day the team I was on started at a house outside what was known as "the hot zone," which was a subdivision in Washington that got completely flattened by the tornado in a matter of thirty to sixty seconds. At that first house, I spent a good hour watching the technical tree team work on carefully removing limbs from a tree before cutting the tree down. I spent much of that time wishing I was doing something so that I wasn't cold or seemingly wasting my time. Thankfully we had an opportunity to rake up the next door neighbor's yard, but I still was in a bit of a funk since I was thinking about how cold I was and my mind was wandering over trivial thoughts about things back home that were clogging up my brain. Our next stop, though, was in the hot zone.

My first glimpse of the hot zone

Driving over towards central Washington didn't hint at what I was about to witness. Here and there I saw a roof missing some shingles or siding off a house, but nothing catastrophic. Then all of a sudden, as I looked to my left out the window, I saw a car in a yard and no houses to be seen. Even though I didn't live there, or know anybody from the area, it was still like a punch in the gut. My brain just couldn't comprehend, and still hasn't fully comprehended, the level of destruction that I came across in the hot zone. To think that all of this happened in 30-60 seconds is unfathomable and unimaginable! As the three of us in the truck got out to assist another team help move debris out of a yard, I immediately remembered why I was there and that it wasn't about me. It didn't matter how cold I was, I had the ability to travel back to a warm church after my day. My team leader had a functioning truck; many homeowners no longer have a working car or may not even know where their car is. The church was a massive structure unharmed by the storm; this entire neighborhood was just flattened. Literally, these people had almost nothing left, other than what few possessions they could salvage from their basements or their neighbors yards. I couldn't believe how petty my thoughts were earlier in the day being so focused on myself. It was definitely an eye opener that I needed.
As the week progressed, I spent more time in prayer for this community as I worked. Since most of the homes were decimated, not many homeowners were around, but on Black Friday, a bunch of brothers of a homeowner showed up at the job site to assist us and to tell their brother's story. Hearing about how the house exploded around him and his son as they ran to the basement and about the son getting buried in debris, but ultimately being okay, was eye opening. To hear a firsthand account of the storm helped put it all in perspective and also demonstrated how God was present in this community during the storm. After listening to such a story, how could I not remember that I'm here because of Christ and I'm to serve like Christ? Galatians 5:13 states, "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." This is just one of many verses about service that requires action in order to be a doer of the word, not just a hearer.

Before our cleanup efforts

Sifting through debris in that yard, I became more and more aware of how my supposed issues paled in comparison to this family and the rest of the Washington community. They were all trivial compared to those who lost all of their possessions in this brief tornado on a November day. Instead of focusing on my own personal thoughts as I worked, I thought of the family and tried to carefully cleanup the yard and search for possessions under all of the debris. I needed to pretend what it would be like to be in their shoes and to take the care in searching as if this were my home and my memories scattered across the yard. Members of my team did a great job carefully saving pictures, drawings, and books they came across. What struck a chord with me were the pages from a Bible that I uncovered on two separate occasions; some spanned from Isaiah to Ezekiel, while others spanned from Colossians to 1 Thessalonians 3. Another find that struck a chord with me demonstrated that even in the midst of all the destruction, God understands and wants to reveal His compassion. I found it ironic that I happened to come across a book entitled Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, but I think the title of that book really captures how everybody in Washington must feel about what happened on November 17th, and to me, it was proof that God is well aware of what everybody endured and still is enduring. Once we finished cleaning the yard and presented the homeowner with a Billy Graham Bible, it became apparent why we took the time and care to cleanup this one yard in a sea of destruction. To see the relief on the homeowner's face and realize that we saved him and his family month's worth of work made it all worthwhile. That was why we served and loved on this family.

Clean yard after a day of work

Knowing that life is not all about me was definitely a reminder that I needed on this deployment, and I'm sure it's one that everybody can learn from. As C.S. Lewis wrote, "Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense." If we can't look outside ourselves, we're doomed and destined to live in despair, unable to have a powerful witness to unbelievers. I realized how much God was trying to pound that into my mind this past week, especially when I took the time to read the Scripture verses on a business card a volunteer had given to me before she left on Thanksgiving. It wasn't until Saturday that I realized that written on it was Philippians 2:3-4 ~  "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." These words reminded me how I need to not just spend my time with Samaritan's Purse, but ultimately, how I must spend my whole life. I must constantly put other people's cares, concerns, and interests ahead of mine in order to avoid being enveloped by selfish pride. At the end of the day, my life is better spent serving others for the glory of Christ, rather than trying to "create a kingdom of self" as the pastor at Elevate Church said yesterday morning during his sermon. Life is more rewarding when we take the time to give of ourselves and not get wrapped up in our own little worlds. We must recognize that there is more to life than us and our problems. I've found that once you learn to live for the service of others, God will open doors in your life and answer the prayers you've been repeating for weeks out of selfishness.

Outward Expression of Inward Faith: Baptism Testimony

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. 

~Romans 6:4

I didn’t grow up going to church, but there was a Bible in the house that I would periodically flip through towards the end of middle school. It wasn’t until I was 15, though, that I truly believed God existed. A family friend’s daughter was in need of a liver transplant and there was a message on our answering machine asking for prayer one night in December 2003 because a donor match had been found and the transplant surgery was going to be that night. That message was left a few days after my dad had gotten back from Germany to visit his dying father, so before I went to bed, I said a little prayer for God to watch over the surgery and to have mercy on my grandfather so he didn’t have to suffer anymore. The next morning I could hear my parents talking in the kitchen saying that the transplant surgery had gone well, for which I was thankful. My dad wandered upstairs and asked me if I’d heard so I told him yeah that all was well after the surgery. His response was, “Yea and Opa died last night.” After I got past the initial shock of him passing away came the realization that God must truly exist since I had two prayers answered in one night.
Upon further exploration in the Bible and gaining an understanding of my family history, I became more aware that things didn’t just happen by chance and that God was in charge. By many accounts, I should never have been born given I had a great-grandfather buried alive in WWI and a grandmother who just so happened to leave a bunker during WWII that was bombed a week later. Also, what’s the likelihood of a mother growing up in Long Island and a father growing up in Germany and meeting at a campground in Vermont, staying in contact and getting married 8 years later?

Once I was in college, I began going to church with a friend of mine, but there was still a lot I didn’t know or understand. Also, I was still convinced that I could be in charge of my life, but that all changed in the fall of 2011. They always say you get closest to God when you hit rock bottom, and in 2011, that’s exactly what happened to me. All of my so-called success in college failed to get me a job and because of my bitterness, I watched many of my closest friendships crumble and be taken away for a season. It was at that point that I knew I needed to repent and give Jesus total control of my life.

Over the past year, because of my sporadic unemployment, I’ve been blessed with the ability to volunteer with Samaritan’s Purse Disaster Relief and have met many amazing people who have become like family to me. It was my way of living out Matthew 28:19 and going out to make “disciples of all nations” and serve Jesus. Except I slowly began to realize that I was being disobedient by trying to ignore the, “baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit” portion of the verse by not being baptized myself, which is why I’m here today. I’ve reached that point in my life where I know that I’m a sinner just like everybody else that walks the Earth, and I can’t do anything to change God’s opinion of me or have Him love me any more or less than He already does. He’s relentlessly sought me and been knocking on the door of my heart in the hopes that I would accept the grace that He extends to everybody. Only by God’s grace am I saved, as stated in Ephesians 2:8-9. Christ died on the Cross in order to pay the ultimate price for my past, present, and future sins. There’s nothing I can do to save myself; it’s all Jesus. He loves me so much that He was willing to die for me in order to restore my relationship with God. That’s an unfathomable amount of love for the human heart and mind to comprehend, but it’s also the source of immense joy once it’s accepted!
Learning about God’s grace and mercy taught me that He’s forgiven me for my desire to control every aspect of my life and for those selfish and condemning thoughts that pop into mind when things didn’t/don’t “go my way.” There’s nothing I can do to change His opinion of me when I’m clothed in the righteousness of Christ because of the blood He shed for my sake. Along with that, I’ve finally realized that God knows what is best for my life, as much as I have tried to convince myself otherwise. This has been quite liberating for a planner such as myself, and I no longer feel that I must know what’s going to happen tomorrow because I can trust that He already does and will help me through whatever I might encounter. Putting my trust in Jesus and relying on God’s grace has helped me slowly find the peace of mind I’ve been searching for.

Musical Motivation

The past couple weeks I feel like my serotonin levels have been slowly decreasing and then decided to take a nosedive at some point this week. For those who don't totally understand brain chemistry (myself included), that pretty much means I haven't felt like myself for a little while and this week the depression decided to rear its ugly head inside my head...again. I've come to accept the fact that this is just something that I deal with, but as a Christian, it also discourages me at times because I get frustrated with the reaction to my depression, which borders along the lines of self-pity. I find this quality in myself rather unwholesome when it springs up and desperately want to tell myself to get over myself, which I do, but surprise, surprise, that doesn't really do much of anything. In order to cope, I turned to my Bible and would read, then get distracted, then read, followed by more distraction. I also opted to listen to Alistair Begg's podcast, which this week happens to focus on trials that Christians will encounter, referencing James 1:1-3 and 1 Peter 4:12-19. As useful as all of this was, it still didn't change my mood at all. Making things worse was the fact that, in the grand scheme of things when compared to those who are suffering over in the Philippines or others who are dealing with actual struggles, I have nothing to complain about.
Then today I decided to go for a run. I'd love to say that my mood immediately improved because of it, but it didn't. I know that things like my bouts of depression take time to process, but I did do something unique on my run: listen to music. To some of you, this may not seem like such an odd concept since numerous people run with their iPods these days. The thing is, I'm typically not one of those people. But after today's experience, I think I will be one of those people. I used to be more of a purest, as in a runner who could go out and run for miles for the enjoyment of it, or because I knew I was training for a race. These days, though, I've found it hard to get myself off the couch. Too much chaos in my brain telling me I'm not the runner I used to be and too often, if I did manage to lace up my shoes and get on the road, I couldn't get in more than a mile before I was bored or pondering what the heck I was doing. This of course doesn't bode well for someone who would like to run a half marathon next May. So off I went today with my iPod in the hopes of getting some endorphins to boost the doldrums of my mind.
I didn't perform any miraculous feat of speed or distance, but I did accomplish a 2.5 mile run without wondering what the heck I was doing or feeling like I wanted to throw in the towel. It's been a little while since that's happened, so I was pleased. Also, when I was going up the steepest hill on this particular route, the song "Anklebiters" by Paramore came on, and the lyrics got me thinking. As much as I try to tell myself and everybody else that I don't care about what other people's opinion of me are, I clearly do and I've unfortunately allowed that to impact who I am. Don't get me wrong, I like who I am and all, but there are times in your life when people do or say things that just make you wonder and question yourself, and I think that's typically how I end up getting depressed from time to time. I'm by no means blaming anybody but myself for my mood because, at the end of the day, I have the power and choice over what thoughts occupy my mind (...take every thought captive to obey Christ, ~2 Corinthians 10:5), but I think it was something I needed to be made aware of again. The song not only helped to motivate me up that obnoxiously steep hill today, but it helped me re-evaluate who I am and what I focus on. Again, I'm still in a bit of a rut, but I'm slowly making steps of progress to get out of it. And it's those little victories in life that I must focus on. Sometimes it's not all about the big picture, but those baby steps away from where you don't want to be.

Inspired to be Relatable

"Aim to be relatable rather than impressive and you'll never fail to amaze those around you. The time is always right to be real, to be you." ~Julianne Wilson

This afternoon I read a post by Julianne Wilson that inspired me entitled, My Un-Instagramable Life. The gist of the post was to express how we as a society focus too much on projecting the perfect life in order to impress those around us and "win people over". Too often there is a pervasive tendency to promote perfect lives that just don't exist. I, too, am guilty of this, so don't think that I'm sitting here pointing fingers. I sometimes post pictures to Instagram wondering how many people might enjoy the sunset or entertaining shirt I just picked up. There's nothing necessarily wrong with posting things from your life, but if the vibe you're giving off is that nothing ever goes wrong, then you're lying not only to your followers, but also to yourself.
Julianne Wilson's honest blog post made me sit back and examine my own life. There have been moments this week that weren't as "happy go lucky" as pictures or tweets might have let on. I had moments of confusion wondering what I'm going to do with my life once I actually get back home. I had moments of sadness missing home, my family, cat, and certain friends. I've dealt with feeling helpless because I want to assist friends stuck in difficult situations, but I don't have the means to do so at the moment. I felt frustration over silly things like wishing my career would actually start or that there'd be time for me to visit friends I haven't seen in months, and the fact that I still struggle with anxiety even when I'm around people that I know well. Heck, I've even had moments of jealousy when on Instagram and paying more attention to what other's supposedly have, rather than focusing on what God has blessed me with this week.
None of this is at all impressive, but it certainly is relatable, and that's the point. It made me look back on friendships I've forged in this past year, ones that I'm thankful for and even sometimes wonder why they came into being, and I realized something. Those friendships had nothing to do with how "impressive" my life has been the past year. They had nothing to do with perfection, beauty, or what I could provide financially. All of the friendships were formed because we could relate to one another in a particular way, and that is way more powerful than people approving of me based on my social media posts. As C.S. Lewis wrote, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" 

When I seek to encourage somebody, I don't say, "Hey, go look at my Instagram photos and see what kind of life you could be enjoying." Rather, I send them quotes, books, or songs that I believe that they can relate to given their particular situation. On top of that, I tend to be able to send some form of encouragement in some form because God has blessed me with a similar situation in which I can relate personally to what they're going through. Over the past year I've definitely learned that a great ministry tool is being open about your own personal struggles with those you meet because you never know who is going through the exact same trial. I was affirmed in this feeling when I was reading The Church Awakening by Charles Swindoll because he wrote that some of the best ministry advice that he got from Jim Petersen was, "Chuck, let people see cracks in your life, and you'll be able to minister to them." In essence, he was to be relatable, not a "perfect" pastor up on a pedestal who seemed unreachable.

Looking back at the teachings of Jesus, you'll notice that His parables related to daily life for the people of that time. Though the purpose of the parables was to weed out those who could truly understand what they were hearing from those who couldn't, what He spoke on were relatable topics, such as farming or making bread. What we also must remember is that because Jesus is fully human and fully God, He can relate to each and every experience we ever have or will encounter. Jesus understands disappointment, loss, betrayal, and disgrace more than anybody else you'll ever meet, which is why He should be the first one you always run to in crisis. He is the only one who can make you feel whole again, but if you're in need of someone tangible, He will place someone along your path who can relate to what you're going through. We were designed to carry each other's burdens, which is what Paul wrote in Galatians 6:2. But in order to carry each other's burdens, we must be willing to open up about the fact that our lives are not as perfect as we might have hoped. You'll never truly relate to anybody until you admit your shortcomings, weaknesses, and struggles.

One last thing before I close out this post. I'm aware that not everybody is into punk rock or electronica music, but a band that I believe writes straight from the heart on everyday topics is Icon for Hire. They just came out with a new album last week and I'll admit that on the first listen through, it's hard to understand the lyrics. If you're willing to get past that and listen intently, or at least just read through the lyrics, I believe that you'll all be able to find a song that speaks to you, whether it involves a past or present experience. So I'll leave you with links to their full album and lyrics if you'd like to check it out.

When Life Gives You Lemons...Learn How to Juggle

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

Anybody close me knows that the past three weeks have been a little hectic and haven't exactly gone as planned. It has been a time that has served as a reminder that God is in charge of my life and instead of throwing a "woe is me" pity party, it's best just to laugh and move on when things don't pan out. The stories that I'm about to share all happened before I was motivated to write this, but after reading some posts by Elizabeth Griffin that are part of her series, The Dirty Gospel, I felt that I should pass on some of my recent experiences and how they've taught me to always turn to God and trust that He has my best interests in mind, even if I end up in some uncomfortable situations. 

For two weeks leading up to my September 29th departure for Colorado I had been planning what exactly to pack, how to arrange it, which route to drive, and hoping that a friend of mine would be able to accompany me. Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts, I'd be driving solo on my cross country roadtrip, but I didn't let that get me down. The night before my departure, I was at a wedding for a friend's mom. My friend's family is from the Dominican Republic, so Spanish is predominantly what is spoken at any sort of family get together, including this wedding. I was enjoying myself up until the moment I realized that I couldn't find my car key. This was kind of a big deal for a handful of reasons. For starters, it's the only key to my car. On top of that, all of my belongings to go to Colorado were locked in my car, and I was supposed to be departing in less than 12 hours from when this occurred. I recruited my friend's brother-inlaw to help spread the word to look for my key and was desperately trying not to panic. We retraced my steps, and I asked a few people if they'd seen my key on a table, which is hard when you're not quite sure if they understand English. I finally ventured back to my table and was looking underneath the table when my friend's grandma began speaking to me in Spanish and making hand gestures like somebody had taken my key. I went to find Juan to serve as translator and we finally figured out that someone had picked up the key thinking it was their niece's, so Juan went and found this person and got my key back. I was very thankful to have it back after all of the confusion, and my blood pressure was finally returning to normal after my bout of anxiety. It was after this situation that I was reminded that God is in charge of each part of my life, even little tense moments like finding a lost key. No amount of planning for my trip could have prepared me for that situation, so again, I needed to remember to have faith in God in the forefront of my mind as I began my travels west to Colorado. It was at that point that I made an effort to fixate on Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths," and I even signed the majority of the Bibles with that verse while volunteering with Samaritan's Purse to serve as a reminder to the homeowner and myself that God is in charge of every aspect of our lives, even if it doesn't seem like it at times.

Fast forward fifteen days and I found myself sitting in my car on the shoulder of Interstate 80 by mile marker 117 in Illinois. I had just gotten pulled over, and I was really hoping that I wasn't going to get a speeding ticket for my 70 in a 65. The trooper kindly knocked on my window and explained that I was being given a warning for "improper lane usage" and asked me if I minded coming back to his patrol car to sign the warning. Since I had nothing to hide and really didn't mind, I got out and wander back to his vehicle and sat in the front passenger seat. The trooper called in his location and asked me where I was coming from. I explained that I had been volunteering with Samaritan's Purse in Colorado helping to mud out homes and spray a disinfectant for mold. While sharing this, I did notice another cop car across from on the median, but thought nothing of it. The trooper then asked me about the cross I had in the back window of my car before asking me if I thought he was being mean because I was acting nervous. That caught me by surprise because I had felt a sense of relief when he said I wasn't getting a ticket. In my mind, I was thinking, "Well, gee officer, I'm sitting in the front seat of your patrol car, which isn't an everyday occurrence, so of course I'm nervous." What I actually said was that I was just concerned with going in the proper direction towards Michigan to visit relatives. He asked where I'd started my drive and I said Iowa, again thinking this was normal questioning to be thorough. The trooper then asked if it was okay that he check the VIN number on my car to make sure it matched the registration, so I told him to go right ahead. I sat there wondering why he thought I was acting nervous, and had that answered once the trooper came back into the vehicle. He asked me if I had been checking my mirrors for him to be following me and I said I had. That's just what I do when I see a cop pull out because I'm not sure if they're coming for me or someone out and regardless, I don't want a ticket. That was the precursor to the troopers bombshell: this is a big drug area and you're acting a bit jittery, so do you mind if I ask you a few questions? I laugh about it now, but at the time I was thinking, are you serious? I then faced a line of questions starting with how I felt about medical marijuana, which led into asking if I had heroin, cocaine, amphetamines, weapons, or large amounts of cash in my car. The trooper then said I seemed to have a lot of stuff in my car for an 11 day visit to Colorado, and in my naivety, I mentioned how I was going to Kentucky and North Carolina after visiting Michigan. I am one to just be up front and honest about my life, but in hindsight, if I were a drug runner, this would make it sound like I was spreading my product around. The trooper then asked me if it was okay to search the vehicle and I told him if he felt that was necessary that he could go right ahead. There were two funny parts as I got out of my car. First, I realized that a second cop car was actually sitting behind us, and the trooper took interest in my "runner girl" magnet and proceeded to discuss the Chicago marathon with me as he went to search my car. To me, that demonstrated the paradox of this entire situation; he was serious about ensuring I wasn't a drug mule, but he truly was a compassionate man interested in my life, including my running and volunteer work. Heck, he even thanked me for my time in Colorado before he asked me how I could afford to go out there and how I felt about medical marijuana. I share this story not to criticize cops because I believe it is important for them to do their job and keep us safe from illegal drugs. I mention it more for the reminder that life has unexpected pitstops which can catch us completely off guard an might seem totally ridiculous. Even so, I know God had me pulled over for a reason, even though I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it was to test my ability to remain honest under pressure, which technically put me in a hole because I freely admitted I was traveling from a state where medical marijuana is legal. But that's besides the point. Nobody likes to feel like they are about to get in trouble, even if they know they're innocent, and I think our sin nature has that reflex of wanting to lie, even when we know honesty is the best policy. Either God wanted to make sure I'd be completely honest about my travels, or He was protecting me from something down the road. No matter what, it sure makes for a great story.

The last of my three stories taught me about slothfulness. The other day a friend asked me to run with her to help her achieve a new distance goal. I was all about assisting and was feeling great until mile 2. That was when all of my previous running injuries decided to come back with a vengeance. My IT band issues flared up to the point I felt like I was being stabbed and my hip joints ached and were forcing me to change my gait. Definitely not something that felt at all pleasant, and on top of that, I was the reason we had to start walking. It was a big wake up call to my sheer laziness since July, which was the last time I really put any effort into running. Proverbs 13:4 states, "The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied." Sure I might have spent time craving to get back into running, but without getting myself out that door, I saw no results, and when I did, all I saw was injury. I've always had a love/hate relationship with running where I love to do races, but hate to actually train for them. This little setback taught me that I needed to be diligent in my training in the future if I was going to enjoy running without pain. Part of me wanted to sulk after this occurred, while another part of me was embarrassed since I'm known as a runner. I know Satan likes to get inside my head and desires to infuse my brain with a defeatist mentality, but I stopped short of throwing that pity party. Actually, what helped was thinking of my adopted nephew and how I always tell him to get over himself when he cries and then I threaten to club him like a baby seal* (yes, I believe in tough love and have an odd sense of humor). 

This morning, I truly realized that I needed to get over myself and just acknowledge the fact that I've been lazy and I can work past this if I do just that: work. I needed this wake up call and this third lemon in as many weeks, but I've honestly learned from each experience that God has thrown at me. I've learned that even with plans, one cannot foresee particular circumstances that unwittingly pop up. I've also been reminded that everything, good and bad, happens for a reason to build me up for the future, and that getting anxious about any mishaps won't get me anywhere. And lastly, I know that with a little hard work and preparing my legs for the impact of running, I can redeem my running career by October 26th so that I enjoy running the 2nd annual Run Your Booty Off 5K in Morehead City....dressed as a penguin. Just remember, life isn't about being perfect, it's sometimes about going with the flow and learning how to juggle unexpected situations and circumstances. So pay attention and be aware of the fact that God is trying to teach you something new everyday, and it's best to remain teachable.

This shirt has taught me to not take running so seriously...or myself for that matter

*There were no baby seals harmed in the typing of this blog post

Scatterbrained Ramble

I've had a lot on my mind lately, but then again, that's nothing out of the ordinary for an over-thinker like myself. I'm one of those overboard multi-taskers because I'm either easily distracted, or my mind is fueled with an obsessive need to know as much as possible at any given moment. Having your brain processing information at a million miles per hour can be a bit of a hindrance, though, especially when it comes to decision making. There comes a point when I find I have too many ideas filtering through my brain and too many options in front of me about what to do with my life. Instead of picking one and running with it, I feel like I just shut down mentally and get stuck in a rut. As Mark Batterson wrote in his book Wild Goose Chase, "'What is it you want?' I'm convinced that many of our problems are the by-products of the fact that most of us cannot answer that question. We don't know what we want. We've never defined our goals or values or passions, so we're out of touch with our heart's desires. And our growing responsibilities have numbed us to the possibilities around us and the passions within us." I don't think I could find a better way to describe the state that I'm in than that.
It's become more and more apparent that I'm going through life in a deer-in-the-headlights fashion as of late. I cringe whenever I'm asked the, "what do you want to do with your life?" question. A late night chat with my dad on the front porch a little over a week ago provided me with the beginning of a wake-up call. It was 1am and I was dealing with a bit of disappointment so I was sitting outside because that's a typical coping mechanism for me. My dad came out to keep me company and our conversation drifted to my future, which is when I began struggling to find answers for him. He then countered with this kick-in-the-teeth comment: "Well I suggest you figure out what it is you enjoy or wanna do or else you're gonna end up living the rest of your life in fear." That's the beauty of having a compassionate, yet hard-nosed German as a father; he's not subtle and doesn't beat around the bush, but gets straight to the point.
Honestly, it was just the comment I needed to fuel some more reading, thinking, and praying that might actually lead to some action from me, rather than indecisiveness. It was a reminder that I'm still living my life in a fashion that seeks glory for myself and makes me fear the opinions of others. Two pieces of Scripture that reminded me of this and opened my eyes were Matthew 10:28 and John 5:44. These verses focus on how humanity puts too much stock in the opinions, adoration, and attention received from other mere mortals as opposed to focusing on the opinion of God and giving Him all the glory. Unnecessary fear of others and their opinions can hold us back, while pride makes us turn away from Jesus, which is a sure fire way to fail in this life, and can be downright disastrous for the next.
I believe a fear that many of us have is not knowing what the future holds and now knowing God's "plan" for our lives. Too often this puts us at a standstill and we somehow stop making decisions about our lives or take any steps to progress toward a goal. It's much like this line from the song "Climbing a Chair to Bed" by the Dropkick Murphys: "Are you too afraid of living to make a man's mistakes?" Kevin DeYoung frames it nicely in his book Just Do Something in the following statement: "I'd like us to consider that maybe we have difficulty discovering God's wonderful plan for our lives because, if truth be told, He doesn't really intend to tell us what it is. And maybe we're wrong to expect Him to." The way I see it, our generation is far too distracted by gadgets and other sources of information to truly focus on God in an attempt to hear His guidance. Our focus has drifted off of God to every other tangible piece of technology or human being in front of us, possibly because we don't put much stock on the intangible, even though we might believe in our hearts that it exists. Unfortunately we're in a generation that desires and yearns for proof of everything.
For me, because of distractions and skewed focus, I've lost track of myself in the melee. Somewhere along the way I never allowed any dreams take root and lost confidence in my God given abilities. That led to a defeatist mentality, which seeped into all aspects of my life from career, to running, to my personal life. This of course kept me from developing and formulating any tangible goals in my life, leading to a rather melancholy existence. Sure, I've enjoyed the exploits from my vagabond lifestyle, but I think I fooled myself into believing I was happy with the direction my life was taking. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel and always will, but I don't want to feel like I'm just wandering through life without a destination or goal in mind. I began rethinking my life when I came across the song "Glass Houses" by The Classic Crime. It's a song that discusses how we all spend so much time building a glass house of happiness that's easily shattered once we stop putting up a front.

When the glass shattered around me

I learned a good lesson about my disorder

I thought I was happy

I said all the right things

I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink

But it did

You got hung up on the outside

Fake like you're living the good life

But death and decay on the inside

Just add pride and hate to your long list of crimes

All this keeping up with the Jones' leads us to pretend that our lives are a walk in the park and we bolster this with fake happiness and fantasies. Truth is, we're lying to everyone, including ourselves. I love how the lyricist of this song talks about how this is actually a disorder and that we're all naive to think it won't break down over time. A facade can only last so long before it begins to crumble or shatter. Most poignantly, though, is that the singer of "Glass Houses" speaks of the fact that he actually built a crystal cathedral amongst all of the glass houses.

This brings me to the first of two misconceptions I'd like to address before I close this lengthy ramble. Somehow churchgoers seem to have fallen into the trap of believing that they are not allowed to be anything but happy. Why is it that so many today feel this need to wear a mask and project false joy? Whatever happened to being able to feel the whole scope of emotions God provided us with? Not allowing ourselves to project anything but happiness because we assume that's how Christians should act totally negates the fact that the Book of Lamentations exists. Even David, a man after God's own heart, got frustrated and exuded various emotions within the Psalms. I recently saw a shirt on gratefulapparel.com that says, "Church isn't a museum for good people. It's a hospital for the broken." From my experience, broken people have various emotions and they don't have it all together all the time. We need to remember that we're allowed to express frustration, anger, and discontent as long as we don't remain in that mindset. Remember the words of Ephesians 4:26 ~ "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." And Psalm 30:5 says, "...Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Clearly we are meant to experience a myriad of emotions.

This brings me to my second point. I believe this misconception about our emotions stems from the misconception that happiness is promised to those who dedicate their lives to Christ. To be brutally honest, this is a huge fallacy. Nowhere in the Bible does God promise His followers happiness for a lifetime on this Earth. There is more emphasis placed on the fact that we are going to suffer and deal with struggles in this life. Romans 8:16-17 is very upfront and honest about this fact, stating, "The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we also may be glorified with him." Let that last part sink in a little bit. Suffering with Christ is in the equation for us to share in His glory. And the glory that Paul speaks of is not in the here and now, but in heaven. To put it bluntly using the words of Kevin DeYoung, "Life isn't always fun, and we shouldn't expect it to be." Truth is, life here on Earth is not all about us an whether or not we're happy. It's all about obeying God and allowing Him to be glorified.

Some of you might be wondering where this leaves us now and how we're supposed to muddle through life. I believe the secret is finding contentment. Paul wrote about the art of being content in both Philippians 4:11 and 1 Thessalonians 5:18. Paul wrote, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content," and, "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." No matter what you're dealing with in life, if Christ is your focus, you'll find contentment wherever you're at, regardless of circumstances. Start looking for joy in the little things life has to offer and focus on the positives, rather than the negatives. As Taylor Swift sings in "Starlight," "Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change. You'll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way." It's all a matter of perspective and whether or not you choose to be content with your life.

My advice to all of you is to start taking some initiative in your life and maybe listen to the song, "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot to help motivate yourself into figuring out if you're "who you want to be." Invest in your future, whether that means going to school, studying up on how you can start your own business, or actually getting that certification you've been putting off because you're cheap and lazy. Sure, you might have to change course in the future, but it's better than living a passive life, waiting for things to happen to you. That's a sure fire way to end up with regrets. Instead, put some actual thought into what your dreams could be and trust that God will be with you every step of the way, even if you aren't sure you're making the proper decision. He's in everything that you do and will work things out in the end. If you refuse to formulate some dreams and goals in life, there's no possible way to strive towards them and achieve what you desire. Take some risks and don't fear failure. Your failures will actually serving as learning experiences in the long run. And for pete's sake, stop focusing so much on what others might think of you and your goals. That will only hold you back. Keep God at the center of everything and strive to please Him with your life. But whatever you do, desire to be content rather than happy. Happiness is not guaranteed, but we all have the ability to be content no matter the situation, for blessings and struggles are all a part of God's hidden plan for your life.

Addressing a Common Misconception: God's Creation vs God's Children

If I think back to the not so distant past, I can remember sitting in SAT review classes discussing the fact that all BMW's are cars, but not all cars are BMW's. Along the same lines as this would be a concept that I only recently considered, which is the fact that we are all God's creation, but we are not all God's children. Some might think I'm being overly picky, but the distinction is necessary.
Looking back at Genesis 1:27, we find that it states, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." This statement proves that God created each and every one of us. Those unable to accept this as fact are those who do not have the Holy Spirit residing within them, and thus, are lacking the necessary faith to believe, as mentioned in Hebrews 11:3 ~ "By faith we understand that the universe was created by the Word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible." This lack of faith characterizes the unbelievers of the world, while being born of the Spirit is what distinguishes the believers, who are God's children.
Upon close analysis of Romans 8:5-8, there's a clear distinction between those who live by the flesh and those who live by the Spirit. Each and every person is born into a fallen world and has a sin nature that is opposed to all things holy. In that sense, all of Creation is on equal footing as we all fall short of God's righteousness. It is not until we are born again in the Spirit, as Jesus stated in John 3:3-6 that we are set apart for the Kingdom of God. It is only by God's grace that we are saved and able to be considered His children (Ephesians 2:1-10). Every Christian believer, therefore, is saved by God's grace and believes that Jesus is their Savior. Then, and only then, are they considered children of God and not just part of God's creation. John 1:12 clearly states, "But to all who did not receive him who believed in his name he gave the right to become children of God."
The most significant characteristic that makes it evident that someone is a believer in Christ, rather than an unbeliever is the Holy Spirit. Those individuals who repent of their sins and accept Christ in their hearts as Lord and Savior have the Holy Spirit dwelling within them. The Holy Spirit helps these individuals live according to the Spirit rather than the flesh, setting them apart as the true children of God. Proof of this is written in Romans 8:14, which says, "For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God." This is of noted importance because Romans 8:16 reiterates this point with different wording by saying, "The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God."
Many might claim to be Christians, but if there is no sanctifying proof of the Holy Spirit doing a work in their lives, they might be making false claims. Only those who accept Jesus as their Savior and through the help of the Holy Spirit try to obey God's Word are those who can be considered God's children and set apart for the kingdom of heaven.

Has Your Faith Reached Mustard Seed Size?

In the Gospel of Matthew, there is a story about a boy with a demon that the disciples weren't able to cast out. When the disciples questioned about why they weren't able to do this, he responded in Matthew 17:20 by saying, "'Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.'" I believe this verse holds two teaching points; first, that our faith can move mountains, and second, the amount of faith necessary is miniscule, but some of us don't even possess that miniscule amount. I believe we all yearn to have immense amounts of faith, but when faced with struggles and questionable circumstances in our own lives, I think we have a tendency to allow doubt to creep in. As Christians, we believe that Jesus was born of a virgin and that God parted the Red Sea, but we don't seem to possess faith enough to trust that God will answer our prayers about finances, employment, health issues, or any other daily struggle we might face.

If I'm to be upfront and honest with you, I've been full of plenty of doubts myself lately. I'm still unsure of my career path and not sure if I should go for a certification and if so, which certification to even go for. I trust God to bless me with a job, but after my phone interview the other day, my brain became full of more questions and doubt than faith that it'll work out. When friends asked me how I thought it went, I told them I wasn't sure because I was honest and told the interviewer that I really haven't been keeping up with my EKG skills lately. My worldly self began questioning whether or not someone would still want to hire me even though my skills are rusty when I really should have been more focused on the fact that I was willing to be honest and maintain my integrity. Also, I need to trust the fact that God is in control and already knows the outcome.

Three things got me to snap out of the doubt that was slowly beginning to creep in and take over my brain. The first came from a text a friend sent to me after I told her I wasn't sure about how my interview went. Her response was brief but served as an excellent wake up call. She said, "I know it went good K I was praying for you." Her assuredness and faith about the situation caught me by surprise, but also put a smile on my face. I'm very happy and blessed to have someone in my life who is confident about the outcome of her prayers for others. The second was remembering the faith I had had just one week before while at work. I was expecting an order of firewood that would cost $240, but at the start of my day, I only had about $40-$50. I knew only God would be able to help me in this situation so I prayed for His provision for the money and to possibly delay the arrival of the firewood. Low and behold in the early afternoon I had a wave of customers check in for their campsites and pay for their camping and a bunch of supplies. Although it was a bit chaotic, I was thankful for the business and God answered my prayer by providing me with more than enough money to pay the guy who brought the firewood, who happened to arrive right after all of my customers. The third thing that got my attention came from the book Wild Goose Chase by Mark Batterson. The biggest slap in the face came from the following sentence: "Quit assuming and start believing." I need to stop assuming that I may not get hired based on my performance during an interview and instead have faith that God is monitoring the situation and knows what will happen. God has the power to open doors to places I've never been before, for positions I never would have considered. He knows exactly where I need to end up and I need to trust God to get me there because I can't get there on my own.

In the long run, God may not want me to get the position I just interviewed for and only He knows the reasoning behind the final outcome. But until I get an answer, I must maintain my faith and belief that God can come through for me. My faith must grow to the size of a mustard seed if I'm ever going to move mountains in my life. Regardless, I must remember what is written in Matthew 19:26, which states, "'With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.'"

Finite vs. Infinite

"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever." ~1 John 2:15-17

I don't mean to be redundant, but this post essentially is an extension of my previous post on worldliness. It seems to be something that has been weighing on my mind and heart lately, quite possibly because I've been rather aware of my own struggle as of late to focus less on what the world thinks and more about how I should live faithfully for God. It's so easy to get caught up in envy and pride these days with the ever expanding social media that makes you hyper aware of what others have and what you may not. Some desire to have the trendiest fashion sense or the most likes or followers, while others yearn to live someone else's life. I'll admit that half the reason I go on the internet these days is to see if anybody likes my tweets, blog posts, or photos on Instagram, and that's no way to go through life. It's pointless to yearn for someone's approval that is finite and could change overnight. Contentment in what we have and resting in God almost seems to be a thing of the past, and that's where we've all strayed at somepoint and got it all wrong.
This will sound silly to those who know me best, but it was through listening to Taylor Swift's "The Lucky One" that I really started to evaluate what I value most and how silly and absurd it is to desire anything from the world. This song is all about someone who moves to LA to become the center of attention, but once she succeeds, she longs to get out of town and live essentially in obscurity. When she was all over the headlines, she never understood her true worth and value since there was always someone in the wings striving to take her place. Everyone felt that the lucky one was in the spotlight, but at the end of the song, Taylor admits that the one who hightailed it out of town to spare her dignity was the one who was lucky.
I think we all need to realize the fact that trying to be the most popular, trendy, or famous person will only lead to our own self destruction. Trying to please the world is like trying to breathe with a wet blanket over your face; you just suffocate from the frustration of it all. That's because the world lies and schemes against us. It really has nothing to offer us that will quench the desires of our hearts and that's why we must continually focus on Jesus. Jesus not only is the best representation of the love we yearn for, but He is infinite and will never fade away. Just because we don't see Him doesn't mean He doesn't exist. I think that's why so many of us strive for things of the world; they appear tangible, when in reality, they are the things that are the most easily destroyed and ripped out from under us. God's love for us, once we accept Christ as our Savior, can never be destroyed, but so many refuse to trust it because it doesn't appear to be tangible. Many would rather live their lives on their terms because they think they know what is best, but that's the sure fire way to failure. There's a song by House of Heroes called "Comfort Trap" that depicts how so many of us chafe against the will of God during the sanctification process of our lives because we are still convinced that we know best, even though God created us and is the reason we are alive. The following lines really hit home with me and how easily it is to fall into the trappings of the world:

I lost my dream in the comfort trap.

I told my God his will could wait,

I've got one foot in a rich man's grave,

I heard it calling in my sleep at night,

So I killed my dream with a butcher knife,

I told my heart to toe the line,

You had all that time, the rest is mine.

I'm gonna get nice things and get my way,

Even if it means there's hell to pay,

I'm gonna have my cake and eat it too,

And what I don't eat I'm gonna force feed you,

I'm not looking for consolation,

Maybe I could settle for compensation,

Have my cake and eat it too,

And if it's all a lie I'm gonna say it's all true.

It's scary to think that people live this defiantly to God, but they do, including Christians, periodically. It's not easy to go where God calls us. We all want to do things our own way, having our cake and eating it too. And yes, we even find a way to convince ourselves we're on the right path, even when it's quite clear that we're not. It can all just lead to living one big perpetual lie because each and every day we are bombarded with opinions from worldly critics on how to conduct our lives. Everyone offers suggestions about how to get a job, save money, and live up to the American Dream. The problem is the fact that while we are striving for the American Dream, our souls are shriveling and not getting fed the living water that Christ has to offer. Every time we make that decision to listen to the world and its desires before listening to God the Father, we are taking a step away from heaven. As the verses above state, if our hearts are more consumed with worldly desires, then the love of God does not truly reside in us. It all comes down to how you choose to function on a daily basis. You can choose to strive after the things that will fade away and disappoint, or you can choose to have faith and allow God to rule your life and lead you down the right path, even if it isn't a path that is accepted by worldly standards. But that's the whole point. The life and walk of the Christian should never blend in with the world; it should always stand out and look weird. If your life looks too much like that of the popular crowd, you're probably doing something wrong in the eyes of Jesus. He was the original rebel who went against the grain of society, so we must follow suit, but not in a way that we desire to get noticed. We must go against the grain because that is what we're called to do, not because it's trendy. 

So we all have a decision to make. We can either continue to live for the finite things of this world in the hopes that they will fill the void in our hearts, or we can choose to live for God who is infinite and unchanging. It's a very personal choice and not one that should be taken lightly. My hope is that more will realize that abiding in God is the best route to take because it is the only way to ensure eternal life in heaven. It's time to stop living for what's here on Earth and instead look up to God and surrender in faith.

The Slippery Slope of Worldliness

Back in high school I used to run cross country. It was known as the sport that never got cancelled despite horrendous weather. There are two races in particular that stand out vividly in my mind where I remember running through torrential downpours. One was during my sophomore year at the DeSales Invitational, while the other was a dual meet at Montrose during my senior year. At the DeSales Invitational, it began downpouring as we were walking the course. It rained so hard in the matter of 90 minutes that a small stream that was only a foot wide and an inch deep when we walked the course ended up being ten feet wide and two feet deep at certain points by the beginning of the race. It was definitely a treacherous portion of the course that devoured some racing spikes off the feet of those who were unprepared and hadn't taped them to their feet. The day I ran at Montrose, it had downpoured all day, so the team was prepared for a mud fest. Without the proper spikes, we all would have been slipping and sliding all over the place. Fortunately, we were all prepared and the only fall occurred about 100 yards into the downhill start when I stepped in a hole and slid on my butt as fast as the rest of the pack was running.
I mention these stories to demonstrate how one must be prepared and aware in the sport of running to avoid slipping and falling, or potentially losing shoes. Without foreknowledge during poor weather, the potential for disaster increases. The same goes for the unprepared and unaware Christian. Satan desperately wants to trip people up so they slide back into the ways of worldliness. He prides himself on infusing individuals with pride that leads to self righteousness, lusts that lead to adultery, or envy that leads to covetousness. He may even work in more subtle ways, like causing an obsession with social media and your amount of followers, or putting you in situations where it might be easy to fall back into a dependence on alcohol.
We've all encountered particular temptations and fought battles in our minds over our desires to be popular and important, fashionable and in vogue, along with wealthy and well to do. The Bible contains its fair share of warnings against these wordly temptations, most strikingly in Matthew 16:26, which states, "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?" Many do not live with an eternal perspective, but prefer to settle and be focused on the here and now. With this single-mindedness and tunnel vision, people strive for wealth and material possessions, rather than chasing after God. They forget the words Jesus uttered in Mark 10:23, reminding us of the near impossibility of a wealthy man finding his way to heaven.
"Lose My Soul" is a song by TobyMac featuring Kirk Franklin and Mandisa that hits the nail on the head when it comes to the topic of worldliness. Towards the end of the song, Mandisa sings the following lines: "How do I sense the tide that's rising? De-sensitizing me from living in light of eternity. How do I sense the tide that's rising? Hypnotizing me from living in the light of eternity." This is a perfect description of how people live their lives today; de-sensitived to real issues and hypnotized by all of the temptations of the world. The pressure to maintain status leads to covetousness, that is, desiring the possessions that others have and hoping to acquire them. Even in his book Vagabonding: An Uncommon Guide to the Art of Long-Term World Travel, Rolf Potts wrote, "There is still an overwhelming social compulsion--an insanity of consensus, if you will--to get rich from life rather than live richly, to 'do well' in the world instead of living well." Rather than focusing on what we do not have, people need to heed Jesus' warning and reminder in Luke 12:15 to not fall victim to covetousness because there is more to life than possessions. Unfortunately for many, though, the need for status is the driving force behind their lives, which only plunges them into despair and potential substance abuse.
Sinking into the quagmire of worldliness is dangerous for the Christian. There's a difference between mingling with the worldly and being of the world. One can strive to be successful, yet still have Jesus as the driving force behind that success. The trick is to maintain a close relationship with God through prayer and reading the Bible, along with having a close group of brothers or sisters in Christ who can help you out when you feel yourself sliding down the slippery slope into the murky waters of the world. It's good to have a close few who can keep you in check and pray for you when you sense you're sliding into the depths of wealth, status, potential substance abuse, impatience, envy, anger, and any other number of worldly actions and desires. They can suggest scriptures, pray, and keep focused wholeheartedly on Jesus.
A beautiful analogy for how this Christian partnership can work mirrors my recent experience at the 5K Foam Fest. One of the first obstacles in the race involved going through a mudpit. The suction power of this mud was so great that some people either lost shoes or couldn't move their feet. My friend's feet were completely stuck, so I had to literally pull her forward to garner enough momentum in order for her feet to be released from the grip of the mud. Then, in order to get out of the mud pit, we had to climb out using a rope and teamwork. I helped my friend climb out first and then she helped pull me out so that I didn't slip and fall back into the mud.
As Christians, this is how we must function, utilizing teamwork and resources to combat against slipping down into worldliness. We must constantly communicate with God and be familiar with the Scriptures so the devil doesn't gain a stronghold in our brains. Also, we must maintain a support system of fellow Christians whom we can trust to pray for us in difficult times and who can offer support in our times of weakness. They must be people you can be open and honest with so that their prayers can be specific to target the battle you're fighting against Satan and the world. Finally, if you're unsure about where your own heart might stand at this point in time, use Luke 12:34 as a kind of litmus test: "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

Surrendering Life to God

It's easy to say that we surrender our lives to God, but the more I intrinsically search my soul, I realize how much of my life I still refuse to turn over to Him wholeheartedly. It's like I need to incessantly repeat Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths," in order to imprint it not only my brain, but my heart. It's simple to repeat those words, but to actually allow my life to reflect their true meaning is another story.
Trust is something that has been on my mind this week because I've been doing things that are a little outside of my comfort zone. While in North Carolina, I've gone into community on steroids. Like, my brain is completely overloaded and practically overwhelmed each day by the amount of people I've met going to church, small group, a prayer meeting, coffee, and Bible study. And even though I'm overwhelmed, I'm happy that I'm doing it and seeming like ERobb's groupie, following her around from place to place. It's a blessing to get to see how she lives her life within community and it gets me out of my comfort zone, which is exactly what I need. When I'm comfortable, I have no need to put trust in anything outside of myself. When I'm completely and totally uncomfortable with my surroundings, it gives me that opportunity to surrender the evening to God and allow Him to work through me because my natural response is to want to close myself off to the outside world instead of reaching out to a community. All the more reason it was a blessing to find a quote posted by J.S. Park today that stated, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."
This evening was such a blessing to me after my day. Satan knows I'm most vulnerable to attack when I'm tired and he knows that best way to deceive me and work his way into my mind is to make me doubt other people and start to question if I can trust them. I have some trust issues that I for the most part have dealt with due to experiences in my past, but every once in awhile, that doubt seeps in and can completely ruin my day. This whole week I had spent ensuring that my registration for a race would get transferred to a different location because a friend of mine had signed up for it. I was so excited once it got transferred so I could join her team, but when I searched for the team, I couldn't find it. I was hoping it to be some sort of computer glitch or something, but then Satan came along and made me wonder if she even signed up. I kick myself for even allowing the deceit to trickle in, even more so because it really ate away at me. Though I was frustrated, we trekked off to Bible study and this group of women was just so warm and welcoming and I felt right at home, which takes a lot for me because I hardly ever feel comfortable. Even more surprising to myself was the fact that I even took a couple opportunities to share some of my experiences with the group.
I left the Bible study feeling refreshed and even elaborating on the car ride home about some of my trust issues and where they stem from because I don't want to come across as that crazy person who seems paranoid when she says she doesn't trust people. It also gave me time to reflect on how I'm still not completely surrendering my life to God. I say I trust Him, but when discussing possible job opportunities earlier in the week, I said something about not having the money to move at the moment. How silly of me to think that money can get me anywhere in this life. It brought me back to what was discussed at church on Sunday about how the original disciples were sent out without any money or possessions in order to ensure that they completely relied on God to provide for their needs. That's how I need to live my life. God already knows what will happen in my life. Who am I to question where I'm heading and how I will "have enough" when He has had it all mapped out from the beginning of time?
The crowning moment in me realizing I must have more trust and not allow Satan to deceive me came when I decided to return to the race website one more time. I was hoping for a typo being the reason behind my inability to locate my team. I desperately wanted to trust that my friend did sign up, and thankfully, God provided me with an answer. He blessed me with a memory and I was able to recall the original way the team name was texted to me. I was spending all of my time searching for "Running for Jesus" when the actual team name is "Running 4 Jesus." I know this may seem silly to some to get all worked up about, but for a tired person with some trust issues, it was shaping up to be a frustrating disaster. Not only did God provide me with the due diligence to continue searching, but He blessed me with the knowledge that not only did my friend sign up for the race, but so did her sister, so I'll have even more company than I originally thought I would. My hope is that I'll remember this experience and continue to surrender more and more of my life and thoughts to God because He truly is in control of everything and knows all that will happen to me on this earth.

Recap, Hillsong NYC & Central Park Solidarity Run for Boston

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." ~Romans 12:15

To be honest, this week I haven't felt much of anything. I think I just kind of emotionally shutdown and was in a state of numbness in order to withstand the bombardment of stories about the bombing in Boston this week. I lived in my own little bubble taking in articles and blogs from news sources, runners, and spectators who had either witnessed the bombing, were impacted by it in someway, or felt the need to offer and express their personal insight on the matter. I scoured the internet for information and unfortunately came across some rather gruesome pictures. I think what bothered me most was the fact that these pictures didn't immediately cause me to want to vomit, because they should have. I think that's when I determined that my emotional system just sort of shutoff so that I wouldn't overreact in any sort of fashion. I just was and I absorbed information like a sponge.
When I first heard about the bombing, I was saddened. That sadness never turned to rage or anger, but I did kind of take the attack personally because of the potential impact it could have on the racing community in the future. Runners need their spectators and this could change our interaction with our beloved cheerleaders. I was also struck by the fact that it so easily could have been me there in the crowd or running. This became more apparent throughout the week when I had a discussion with a friend of mine who had come to watch me run my first marathon in 2007. Amby Burfoot being another one who was stopped short of finishing, and heard that one of the Runner's World editors was just up the street from the blast and ran the other way as a means of escape. Again, it's just crazy to think how easily it could have potentially been me, and my heart goes out to those who lost their lives or limbs. They have been constantly in my thoughts and prayers this week, especially when I go out for my runs.
He said, "I was upset because that could have been us and our crew and you and your dad running. It's scary then you think about the runners. You know from first hand experience you're exhausted and feel like your safety is the finish line because you get to rest after that. It took the safe element out of running." I couldn't have stated it better myself. On top of that conversation, another runner friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a year emailed me an account from the experience of her friend's running guide. They were among those unable to finish the marathon because roadblocks were setup at the end of Boyleston Street after the explosion. I also read about
In an attempt to regain some bit of normalcy in my life and not think so much, I ventured into the Big Apple to attend Hillsong NYC at the Roseland Ballroom to hear Brian Houston speak. I'm very thankful that I went because what he spoke about was exactly what I needed to hear in the wake of the events of the past week. His whole sermon was based on lyrics from the song "Glorious Ruins." The following is the chorus from the song:

Let the ruins come to life

In the beauty of Your name

Rising up from the ashes

God forever You reign

Pastor Houston spoke about how we all face some sort of ruin in our lives, whether it be relational, financial, or otherwise. His point was that God can bring glory out of the ruins in our lives. Proof of this was the fact that Jesus came down from glory to die on a cross for us. He also sited Ezra 9:9, as an Old Testament example of God's temple becoming ruins, which says, "For we are slaves. Yet our God has not forsaken us in our slavery, but has extended to us his steadfast love before the kings of Persia, to grant us some reviving to set up the house of our God, to repair its ruins, and to give us protection in Judea and Jerusalem." The temple that was in ruins was able to be revived and rebuilt by God. Another fitting example of how God can bring glory out of ruin involves the story of Lazarus. He had been dead for four days, but to bring glory to God, Jesus brought him back to life. If Jesus can bring a dead man back to life, he surely can rebuild whatever might be broken in your life. 

This message seemed very fitting after the events on Monday. Boston and the running community were shaken to the core by the bombing. Yet God can help rebuild the lives of those impacted if they only turn to Him and surrender their lives. Relinquishing control is the hardest part, but God has already proven in the past what He is capable of restoring after disaster strikes, and it tends to be better than what once was.

To cap off my day in the Big Apple, I went to Central Park around 2:30 in the afternoon. I had read on the Runner's World website and on Facebook that Charlie Lyons had arranged a solidarity run for Boston and that runners could meet at the Tavern on the Green. For an event that was only learned about via social media and word of mouth, there was a great turn out. Numerous NYC running club members and coaches were present. Even Mary Wittenberg, the CEO of NYRR made an appearance. The first 160 runners got a commemorative hat that said NY <3 B, and I was thankful to come away with one. After a couple of speeches via megaphone and a moment of silence, the runners took off, heading south, to do a loop of Central Park.
I felt pretty good for the first half, but began to struggle once I reached the hill on the north end of the park. I can't remember the last time I ran six miles without stopping, so it was God, true grit and thinking of those in Boston that got me back to Tavern on the Green. That and people commenting on my awesome pants. I figure if I can't get people's attention with my running speed, I might as well dress like a ridiculous fool and standout in my own special way. The finish was awesome for the fact that some of the runners who had already finished created a makeshift chute in order to high five people as they completed their run. It's definitely not everyday that I can say I got high fives from Charlie Lyons and Mary Wittenberg at the end of a run.

Pray for Boston and the Running Community

Photo courtesy of Linda Brain Beck

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~Isaiah 40:31

I'm sure most of you have heard the news by now, but two bombs went off near the finish line of the Boston Marathon today. This saddened me deeply on many levels. The fact that a senseless tragedy took place that injured and killed innocent people is almost unfathomable. My heart breaks for those impacted by this act of terror in Boston. There are no words to heal the physical and emotional wounds, but I would suggest reading Psalm 34:18, which says, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." God is the only one who can bring any sort of comfort after such an event as this.
Another reason this tragedy saddens me is the fact that it happened at a running event.  I understand the immense effort needed to qualify for the prestigious Boston marathon and the numerous amount of miles and hours necessary to train. This should have been a day of celebration for everybody, but instead it was marred by tragedy. Running is a peaceful sport, not one full of any type of violence. Sure there are fierce rivalries, but at the end of the day, we're all friends. Comradery is the essence of running. Just look at Mo Farah and Galen Rupp, or Kara Goucher and Shalane Flanagan; two fierce rivals who train together and have become friends. (The greatest moment out of today's marathon involved Kara crossing the finish line and immediately asking how Shalane finished). Those of us who are runners understand that the running community is more like a big family than anything else. If something bad happens to one runner, it's almost like it happened to us. Runners stick by each other through good and bad times, helping out when others are in need. Although many consider running an individual endeavor, it truly transcends boundaries and every runner looks out for another during races. I have so many fond memories from running and have built friendships along the way. I remember back in the 8th grade I was the only girl who would be running the mile at the local Hershey track & field meet and numerous members of the high school distance team decided to band together and join me for my mile run on the track, some of whom might have been wearing jeans if my memory serves me correctly. I also befriended members of other teams and although we were fierce rivals on the track or cross country course, we would laugh together and warmup together when we weren't racing. After high school, I have encountered many friendly runners who enjoyed my running outfits by telling me that I looked like an Easter egg and who helped me conquer obstacles during the Tough Mudder.
All that we can do now is pray. Pray for the runners. Pray for the spectators. Pray for the first responders. Pray for the doctors. We should even pray for those who are responsible, as difficult as that is to fathom. Everybody was created by God, and unfortunately sin has twisted the way people function in this world. It makes me long for my heavenly home because I don't belong here on this Earth. Philippians 3:20 states, "But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ." Events like the tragedy in Boston make it even more apparent that this world is slowly going to hell in a handbasket. I can't wait for the return of Jesus and life is what's described in Revelation 21:4 ~ "'He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'"
For now, us runners must band together and persevere. We can't allow this tragedy to impact our love of running or our desire to run the prestigious race in Boston. If we alter our thinking, we let the terrorists win. As runners, we must remember that what we do best is endure. We endure pain and suffering to achieve our dreams of finishing 5Ks, 10Ks, half marathons, marathons, ultras, trail races, and any race in between. We know what it's like to not know if we can take another step, but then we do because we refuse to give up on our dreams. So whether you're in shape or not, if you consider yourself a runner, I urge you to get outside and run tomorrow. Run for those who were impacted in Boston. Run for those who can no longer run. Run for those who may never be able to run the same way ever again. Whatever you do, make sure you run, whether it's 100 yards or 100 miles. Once a runner, always a runner!

Pieces of a Puzzle

I don't even know myself at all

I thought I would be happy by now

The more I try to push it

I realise you've gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen

~Paramore

In a sense, our lives are just pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that we have to put together. The only thing is that we don't know what the final image looks like; only God does. All we can do is see where certain pieces fall into place and where others aren't actually a part of our puzzle at all.
This week a few pieces have fallen into place, while others have been taken out of the equation. It's amazing to see God at work in my life, even though I have no idea what the final product is going to be. I am sure that I am meant to be working on the Upper Delaware again this summer. It's almost like my own personal Ninevah and God is giving me another chance this summer to minister to those in need. Sure, I spent the whole year trying to runaway in a sense by applying to any exercise physiology position under the sun, but I'm clearly meant to return. That became very apparent after what happened today. A position in research that I had been attempting to acquire since last February will be vacant again soon and I was asked if I would be interested. If it was me last year, I would have totally gone for it, despite having prior obligations along the river. This year is different, though. Since I've already committed to working on the Upper Delaware, I didn't want to leave those people high and dry just to follow my own desires. Also, when analyzing the timing of everything, it's almost as if God was purposely blocking me taking the research job. That could be for any number of reasons between I'm meant to be on the river to I'm not meant to be at that research job. Regardless, I opted to step out in faith and trust God so I turned down the research job, even though it's what I've always wanted to do with my degree.
Along with discussing it with a few friends, going to Hillsong in NYC definitely helped solidify this fact that my decision to turn down a job offer was the right choice to make. One of the songs that the worship team sang was "Oceans," which is a beautiful song all about relinquishing control and allowing God to lead us. The lyrics that really spoke to me were the following:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel like where I am in life is where I'm meant to be, even though I'm sure it doesn't make much sense to outsiders. I'm thankful that my brothers and sisters in Christ understand the decisions I've made because I know people within the field of exercise physiology totally don't get what I'm doing with my life and are probably wondering why a promising young student gave up a perfect opportunity to further her career in exchange for a job that doesn't exactly pay well and is only a five month gig. It's times like this I'm thankful I answer to God and not man. My only response to anybody who asks would be to turn to Proverbs 19:21, which says, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." I can plan all I want and desire anything in the world, but if it doesn't line up with the purpose God has for my life, those puzzle pieces just aren't going to fit into the picture. 

Christ is Our Example

"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps." ~1 Peter 2:21

Good Friday is a reminder of what Christ has done for all of us. He was betrayed, put on trial, and nailed to a cross to die for our sins. As followers, we are to share in this suffering and never question when we suffer trials in this life. This stems back to the Last Supper, when Christ set another example for us. In John 13:12-16, the following is written: "When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, 'Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.'" By washing the feet of the disciples, Jesus demonstrated that the Son of God was willing to humble himself to serve his human followers. He was not above performing the most despicable of tasks in order to honor those individuals who followed Him. This is how we are to act; we are to not place ourselves on a pedestal, thinking that we are better than others. Rather, we are to get down and dirty in the trenches, willing to serve others in any way possible.

On this Good Friday, remember that your sin is part of why Jesus had to die. He died in your place in order to ensure eternal life. He loves you that much and always will. The best way to show your appreciation is by living like Christ and reflecting his image. Follow Jesus' example by enduring suffering without complaining, serving others without pause, and not acting superior in any fashion. Anybody who professes Christ as Lord is your brother or sister and on equal ground. Band together to worship the Son of God who served as the greatest sacrifice of all so that you didn't have to endure God's wrath.