Newsflash: It's Not About You

"But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves." ~James 1:22

Obedience and actually living out what the Bible says has been on my mind a lot lately. Hard to believe it was only a week ago that I chose to get baptized after being a Christian for ten years. Part of the reason it's so hard to believe is because I spent the past week volunteering with Samaritan's Purse in Washington, IL, after the tornado that swept through the area just two weeks ago. 

Reflecting on my volunteer experience, I distinctly remember thinking to myself, "It's not about you," in the middle of the week. That day the team I was on started at a house outside what was known as "the hot zone," which was a subdivision in Washington that got completely flattened by the tornado in a matter of thirty to sixty seconds. At that first house, I spent a good hour watching the technical tree team work on carefully removing limbs from a tree before cutting the tree down. I spent much of that time wishing I was doing something so that I wasn't cold or seemingly wasting my time. Thankfully we had an opportunity to rake up the next door neighbor's yard, but I still was in a bit of a funk since I was thinking about how cold I was and my mind was wandering over trivial thoughts about things back home that were clogging up my brain. Our next stop, though, was in the hot zone.

My first glimpse of the hot zone

Driving over towards central Washington didn't hint at what I was about to witness. Here and there I saw a roof missing some shingles or siding off a house, but nothing catastrophic. Then all of a sudden, as I looked to my left out the window, I saw a car in a yard and no houses to be seen. Even though I didn't live there, or know anybody from the area, it was still like a punch in the gut. My brain just couldn't comprehend, and still hasn't fully comprehended, the level of destruction that I came across in the hot zone. To think that all of this happened in 30-60 seconds is unfathomable and unimaginable! As the three of us in the truck got out to assist another team help move debris out of a yard, I immediately remembered why I was there and that it wasn't about me. It didn't matter how cold I was, I had the ability to travel back to a warm church after my day. My team leader had a functioning truck; many homeowners no longer have a working car or may not even know where their car is. The church was a massive structure unharmed by the storm; this entire neighborhood was just flattened. Literally, these people had almost nothing left, other than what few possessions they could salvage from their basements or their neighbors yards. I couldn't believe how petty my thoughts were earlier in the day being so focused on myself. It was definitely an eye opener that I needed.
As the week progressed, I spent more time in prayer for this community as I worked. Since most of the homes were decimated, not many homeowners were around, but on Black Friday, a bunch of brothers of a homeowner showed up at the job site to assist us and to tell their brother's story. Hearing about how the house exploded around him and his son as they ran to the basement and about the son getting buried in debris, but ultimately being okay, was eye opening. To hear a firsthand account of the storm helped put it all in perspective and also demonstrated how God was present in this community during the storm. After listening to such a story, how could I not remember that I'm here because of Christ and I'm to serve like Christ? Galatians 5:13 states, "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." This is just one of many verses about service that requires action in order to be a doer of the word, not just a hearer.

Before our cleanup efforts

Sifting through debris in that yard, I became more and more aware of how my supposed issues paled in comparison to this family and the rest of the Washington community. They were all trivial compared to those who lost all of their possessions in this brief tornado on a November day. Instead of focusing on my own personal thoughts as I worked, I thought of the family and tried to carefully cleanup the yard and search for possessions under all of the debris. I needed to pretend what it would be like to be in their shoes and to take the care in searching as if this were my home and my memories scattered across the yard. Members of my team did a great job carefully saving pictures, drawings, and books they came across. What struck a chord with me were the pages from a Bible that I uncovered on two separate occasions; some spanned from Isaiah to Ezekiel, while others spanned from Colossians to 1 Thessalonians 3. Another find that struck a chord with me demonstrated that even in the midst of all the destruction, God understands and wants to reveal His compassion. I found it ironic that I happened to come across a book entitled Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, but I think the title of that book really captures how everybody in Washington must feel about what happened on November 17th, and to me, it was proof that God is well aware of what everybody endured and still is enduring. Once we finished cleaning the yard and presented the homeowner with a Billy Graham Bible, it became apparent why we took the time and care to cleanup this one yard in a sea of destruction. To see the relief on the homeowner's face and realize that we saved him and his family month's worth of work made it all worthwhile. That was why we served and loved on this family.

Clean yard after a day of work

Knowing that life is not all about me was definitely a reminder that I needed on this deployment, and I'm sure it's one that everybody can learn from. As C.S. Lewis wrote, "Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense." If we can't look outside ourselves, we're doomed and destined to live in despair, unable to have a powerful witness to unbelievers. I realized how much God was trying to pound that into my mind this past week, especially when I took the time to read the Scripture verses on a business card a volunteer had given to me before she left on Thanksgiving. It wasn't until Saturday that I realized that written on it was Philippians 2:3-4 ~  "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." These words reminded me how I need to not just spend my time with Samaritan's Purse, but ultimately, how I must spend my whole life. I must constantly put other people's cares, concerns, and interests ahead of mine in order to avoid being enveloped by selfish pride. At the end of the day, my life is better spent serving others for the glory of Christ, rather than trying to "create a kingdom of self" as the pastor at Elevate Church said yesterday morning during his sermon. Life is more rewarding when we take the time to give of ourselves and not get wrapped up in our own little worlds. We must recognize that there is more to life than us and our problems. I've found that once you learn to live for the service of others, God will open doors in your life and answer the prayers you've been repeating for weeks out of selfishness.

Outward Expression of Inward Faith: Baptism Testimony

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. 

~Romans 6:4

I didn’t grow up going to church, but there was a Bible in the house that I would periodically flip through towards the end of middle school. It wasn’t until I was 15, though, that I truly believed God existed. A family friend’s daughter was in need of a liver transplant and there was a message on our answering machine asking for prayer one night in December 2003 because a donor match had been found and the transplant surgery was going to be that night. That message was left a few days after my dad had gotten back from Germany to visit his dying father, so before I went to bed, I said a little prayer for God to watch over the surgery and to have mercy on my grandfather so he didn’t have to suffer anymore. The next morning I could hear my parents talking in the kitchen saying that the transplant surgery had gone well, for which I was thankful. My dad wandered upstairs and asked me if I’d heard so I told him yeah that all was well after the surgery. His response was, “Yea and Opa died last night.” After I got past the initial shock of him passing away came the realization that God must truly exist since I had two prayers answered in one night.
Upon further exploration in the Bible and gaining an understanding of my family history, I became more aware that things didn’t just happen by chance and that God was in charge. By many accounts, I should never have been born given I had a great-grandfather buried alive in WWI and a grandmother who just so happened to leave a bunker during WWII that was bombed a week later. Also, what’s the likelihood of a mother growing up in Long Island and a father growing up in Germany and meeting at a campground in Vermont, staying in contact and getting married 8 years later?

Once I was in college, I began going to church with a friend of mine, but there was still a lot I didn’t know or understand. Also, I was still convinced that I could be in charge of my life, but that all changed in the fall of 2011. They always say you get closest to God when you hit rock bottom, and in 2011, that’s exactly what happened to me. All of my so-called success in college failed to get me a job and because of my bitterness, I watched many of my closest friendships crumble and be taken away for a season. It was at that point that I knew I needed to repent and give Jesus total control of my life.

Over the past year, because of my sporadic unemployment, I’ve been blessed with the ability to volunteer with Samaritan’s Purse Disaster Relief and have met many amazing people who have become like family to me. It was my way of living out Matthew 28:19 and going out to make “disciples of all nations” and serve Jesus. Except I slowly began to realize that I was being disobedient by trying to ignore the, “baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit” portion of the verse by not being baptized myself, which is why I’m here today. I’ve reached that point in my life where I know that I’m a sinner just like everybody else that walks the Earth, and I can’t do anything to change God’s opinion of me or have Him love me any more or less than He already does. He’s relentlessly sought me and been knocking on the door of my heart in the hopes that I would accept the grace that He extends to everybody. Only by God’s grace am I saved, as stated in Ephesians 2:8-9. Christ died on the Cross in order to pay the ultimate price for my past, present, and future sins. There’s nothing I can do to save myself; it’s all Jesus. He loves me so much that He was willing to die for me in order to restore my relationship with God. That’s an unfathomable amount of love for the human heart and mind to comprehend, but it’s also the source of immense joy once it’s accepted!
Learning about God’s grace and mercy taught me that He’s forgiven me for my desire to control every aspect of my life and for those selfish and condemning thoughts that pop into mind when things didn’t/don’t “go my way.” There’s nothing I can do to change His opinion of me when I’m clothed in the righteousness of Christ because of the blood He shed for my sake. Along with that, I’ve finally realized that God knows what is best for my life, as much as I have tried to convince myself otherwise. This has been quite liberating for a planner such as myself, and I no longer feel that I must know what’s going to happen tomorrow because I can trust that He already does and will help me through whatever I might encounter. Putting my trust in Jesus and relying on God’s grace has helped me slowly find the peace of mind I’ve been searching for.

Musical Motivation

The past couple weeks I feel like my serotonin levels have been slowly decreasing and then decided to take a nosedive at some point this week. For those who don't totally understand brain chemistry (myself included), that pretty much means I haven't felt like myself for a little while and this week the depression decided to rear its ugly head inside my head...again. I've come to accept the fact that this is just something that I deal with, but as a Christian, it also discourages me at times because I get frustrated with the reaction to my depression, which borders along the lines of self-pity. I find this quality in myself rather unwholesome when it springs up and desperately want to tell myself to get over myself, which I do, but surprise, surprise, that doesn't really do much of anything. In order to cope, I turned to my Bible and would read, then get distracted, then read, followed by more distraction. I also opted to listen to Alistair Begg's podcast, which this week happens to focus on trials that Christians will encounter, referencing James 1:1-3 and 1 Peter 4:12-19. As useful as all of this was, it still didn't change my mood at all. Making things worse was the fact that, in the grand scheme of things when compared to those who are suffering over in the Philippines or others who are dealing with actual struggles, I have nothing to complain about.
Then today I decided to go for a run. I'd love to say that my mood immediately improved because of it, but it didn't. I know that things like my bouts of depression take time to process, but I did do something unique on my run: listen to music. To some of you, this may not seem like such an odd concept since numerous people run with their iPods these days. The thing is, I'm typically not one of those people. But after today's experience, I think I will be one of those people. I used to be more of a purest, as in a runner who could go out and run for miles for the enjoyment of it, or because I knew I was training for a race. These days, though, I've found it hard to get myself off the couch. Too much chaos in my brain telling me I'm not the runner I used to be and too often, if I did manage to lace up my shoes and get on the road, I couldn't get in more than a mile before I was bored or pondering what the heck I was doing. This of course doesn't bode well for someone who would like to run a half marathon next May. So off I went today with my iPod in the hopes of getting some endorphins to boost the doldrums of my mind.
I didn't perform any miraculous feat of speed or distance, but I did accomplish a 2.5 mile run without wondering what the heck I was doing or feeling like I wanted to throw in the towel. It's been a little while since that's happened, so I was pleased. Also, when I was going up the steepest hill on this particular route, the song "Anklebiters" by Paramore came on, and the lyrics got me thinking. As much as I try to tell myself and everybody else that I don't care about what other people's opinion of me are, I clearly do and I've unfortunately allowed that to impact who I am. Don't get me wrong, I like who I am and all, but there are times in your life when people do or say things that just make you wonder and question yourself, and I think that's typically how I end up getting depressed from time to time. I'm by no means blaming anybody but myself for my mood because, at the end of the day, I have the power and choice over what thoughts occupy my mind (...take every thought captive to obey Christ, ~2 Corinthians 10:5), but I think it was something I needed to be made aware of again. The song not only helped to motivate me up that obnoxiously steep hill today, but it helped me re-evaluate who I am and what I focus on. Again, I'm still in a bit of a rut, but I'm slowly making steps of progress to get out of it. And it's those little victories in life that I must focus on. Sometimes it's not all about the big picture, but those baby steps away from where you don't want to be.

Inspired to be Relatable

"Aim to be relatable rather than impressive and you'll never fail to amaze those around you. The time is always right to be real, to be you." ~Julianne Wilson

This afternoon I read a post by Julianne Wilson that inspired me entitled, My Un-Instagramable Life. The gist of the post was to express how we as a society focus too much on projecting the perfect life in order to impress those around us and "win people over". Too often there is a pervasive tendency to promote perfect lives that just don't exist. I, too, am guilty of this, so don't think that I'm sitting here pointing fingers. I sometimes post pictures to Instagram wondering how many people might enjoy the sunset or entertaining shirt I just picked up. There's nothing necessarily wrong with posting things from your life, but if the vibe you're giving off is that nothing ever goes wrong, then you're lying not only to your followers, but also to yourself.
Julianne Wilson's honest blog post made me sit back and examine my own life. There have been moments this week that weren't as "happy go lucky" as pictures or tweets might have let on. I had moments of confusion wondering what I'm going to do with my life once I actually get back home. I had moments of sadness missing home, my family, cat, and certain friends. I've dealt with feeling helpless because I want to assist friends stuck in difficult situations, but I don't have the means to do so at the moment. I felt frustration over silly things like wishing my career would actually start or that there'd be time for me to visit friends I haven't seen in months, and the fact that I still struggle with anxiety even when I'm around people that I know well. Heck, I've even had moments of jealousy when on Instagram and paying more attention to what other's supposedly have, rather than focusing on what God has blessed me with this week.
None of this is at all impressive, but it certainly is relatable, and that's the point. It made me look back on friendships I've forged in this past year, ones that I'm thankful for and even sometimes wonder why they came into being, and I realized something. Those friendships had nothing to do with how "impressive" my life has been the past year. They had nothing to do with perfection, beauty, or what I could provide financially. All of the friendships were formed because we could relate to one another in a particular way, and that is way more powerful than people approving of me based on my social media posts. As C.S. Lewis wrote, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" 

When I seek to encourage somebody, I don't say, "Hey, go look at my Instagram photos and see what kind of life you could be enjoying." Rather, I send them quotes, books, or songs that I believe that they can relate to given their particular situation. On top of that, I tend to be able to send some form of encouragement in some form because God has blessed me with a similar situation in which I can relate personally to what they're going through. Over the past year I've definitely learned that a great ministry tool is being open about your own personal struggles with those you meet because you never know who is going through the exact same trial. I was affirmed in this feeling when I was reading The Church Awakening by Charles Swindoll because he wrote that some of the best ministry advice that he got from Jim Petersen was, "Chuck, let people see cracks in your life, and you'll be able to minister to them." In essence, he was to be relatable, not a "perfect" pastor up on a pedestal who seemed unreachable.

Looking back at the teachings of Jesus, you'll notice that His parables related to daily life for the people of that time. Though the purpose of the parables was to weed out those who could truly understand what they were hearing from those who couldn't, what He spoke on were relatable topics, such as farming or making bread. What we also must remember is that because Jesus is fully human and fully God, He can relate to each and every experience we ever have or will encounter. Jesus understands disappointment, loss, betrayal, and disgrace more than anybody else you'll ever meet, which is why He should be the first one you always run to in crisis. He is the only one who can make you feel whole again, but if you're in need of someone tangible, He will place someone along your path who can relate to what you're going through. We were designed to carry each other's burdens, which is what Paul wrote in Galatians 6:2. But in order to carry each other's burdens, we must be willing to open up about the fact that our lives are not as perfect as we might have hoped. You'll never truly relate to anybody until you admit your shortcomings, weaknesses, and struggles.

One last thing before I close out this post. I'm aware that not everybody is into punk rock or electronica music, but a band that I believe writes straight from the heart on everyday topics is Icon for Hire. They just came out with a new album last week and I'll admit that on the first listen through, it's hard to understand the lyrics. If you're willing to get past that and listen intently, or at least just read through the lyrics, I believe that you'll all be able to find a song that speaks to you, whether it involves a past or present experience. So I'll leave you with links to their full album and lyrics if you'd like to check it out.

When Life Gives You Lemons...Learn How to Juggle

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

Anybody close me knows that the past three weeks have been a little hectic and haven't exactly gone as planned. It has been a time that has served as a reminder that God is in charge of my life and instead of throwing a "woe is me" pity party, it's best just to laugh and move on when things don't pan out. The stories that I'm about to share all happened before I was motivated to write this, but after reading some posts by Elizabeth Griffin that are part of her series, The Dirty Gospel, I felt that I should pass on some of my recent experiences and how they've taught me to always turn to God and trust that He has my best interests in mind, even if I end up in some uncomfortable situations. 

For two weeks leading up to my September 29th departure for Colorado I had been planning what exactly to pack, how to arrange it, which route to drive, and hoping that a friend of mine would be able to accompany me. Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts, I'd be driving solo on my cross country roadtrip, but I didn't let that get me down. The night before my departure, I was at a wedding for a friend's mom. My friend's family is from the Dominican Republic, so Spanish is predominantly what is spoken at any sort of family get together, including this wedding. I was enjoying myself up until the moment I realized that I couldn't find my car key. This was kind of a big deal for a handful of reasons. For starters, it's the only key to my car. On top of that, all of my belongings to go to Colorado were locked in my car, and I was supposed to be departing in less than 12 hours from when this occurred. I recruited my friend's brother-inlaw to help spread the word to look for my key and was desperately trying not to panic. We retraced my steps, and I asked a few people if they'd seen my key on a table, which is hard when you're not quite sure if they understand English. I finally ventured back to my table and was looking underneath the table when my friend's grandma began speaking to me in Spanish and making hand gestures like somebody had taken my key. I went to find Juan to serve as translator and we finally figured out that someone had picked up the key thinking it was their niece's, so Juan went and found this person and got my key back. I was very thankful to have it back after all of the confusion, and my blood pressure was finally returning to normal after my bout of anxiety. It was after this situation that I was reminded that God is in charge of each part of my life, even little tense moments like finding a lost key. No amount of planning for my trip could have prepared me for that situation, so again, I needed to remember to have faith in God in the forefront of my mind as I began my travels west to Colorado. It was at that point that I made an effort to fixate on Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths," and I even signed the majority of the Bibles with that verse while volunteering with Samaritan's Purse to serve as a reminder to the homeowner and myself that God is in charge of every aspect of our lives, even if it doesn't seem like it at times.

Fast forward fifteen days and I found myself sitting in my car on the shoulder of Interstate 80 by mile marker 117 in Illinois. I had just gotten pulled over, and I was really hoping that I wasn't going to get a speeding ticket for my 70 in a 65. The trooper kindly knocked on my window and explained that I was being given a warning for "improper lane usage" and asked me if I minded coming back to his patrol car to sign the warning. Since I had nothing to hide and really didn't mind, I got out and wander back to his vehicle and sat in the front passenger seat. The trooper called in his location and asked me where I was coming from. I explained that I had been volunteering with Samaritan's Purse in Colorado helping to mud out homes and spray a disinfectant for mold. While sharing this, I did notice another cop car across from on the median, but thought nothing of it. The trooper then asked me about the cross I had in the back window of my car before asking me if I thought he was being mean because I was acting nervous. That caught me by surprise because I had felt a sense of relief when he said I wasn't getting a ticket. In my mind, I was thinking, "Well, gee officer, I'm sitting in the front seat of your patrol car, which isn't an everyday occurrence, so of course I'm nervous." What I actually said was that I was just concerned with going in the proper direction towards Michigan to visit relatives. He asked where I'd started my drive and I said Iowa, again thinking this was normal questioning to be thorough. The trooper then asked if it was okay that he check the VIN number on my car to make sure it matched the registration, so I told him to go right ahead. I sat there wondering why he thought I was acting nervous, and had that answered once the trooper came back into the vehicle. He asked me if I had been checking my mirrors for him to be following me and I said I had. That's just what I do when I see a cop pull out because I'm not sure if they're coming for me or someone out and regardless, I don't want a ticket. That was the precursor to the troopers bombshell: this is a big drug area and you're acting a bit jittery, so do you mind if I ask you a few questions? I laugh about it now, but at the time I was thinking, are you serious? I then faced a line of questions starting with how I felt about medical marijuana, which led into asking if I had heroin, cocaine, amphetamines, weapons, or large amounts of cash in my car. The trooper then said I seemed to have a lot of stuff in my car for an 11 day visit to Colorado, and in my naivety, I mentioned how I was going to Kentucky and North Carolina after visiting Michigan. I am one to just be up front and honest about my life, but in hindsight, if I were a drug runner, this would make it sound like I was spreading my product around. The trooper then asked me if it was okay to search the vehicle and I told him if he felt that was necessary that he could go right ahead. There were two funny parts as I got out of my car. First, I realized that a second cop car was actually sitting behind us, and the trooper took interest in my "runner girl" magnet and proceeded to discuss the Chicago marathon with me as he went to search my car. To me, that demonstrated the paradox of this entire situation; he was serious about ensuring I wasn't a drug mule, but he truly was a compassionate man interested in my life, including my running and volunteer work. Heck, he even thanked me for my time in Colorado before he asked me how I could afford to go out there and how I felt about medical marijuana. I share this story not to criticize cops because I believe it is important for them to do their job and keep us safe from illegal drugs. I mention it more for the reminder that life has unexpected pitstops which can catch us completely off guard an might seem totally ridiculous. Even so, I know God had me pulled over for a reason, even though I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it was to test my ability to remain honest under pressure, which technically put me in a hole because I freely admitted I was traveling from a state where medical marijuana is legal. But that's besides the point. Nobody likes to feel like they are about to get in trouble, even if they know they're innocent, and I think our sin nature has that reflex of wanting to lie, even when we know honesty is the best policy. Either God wanted to make sure I'd be completely honest about my travels, or He was protecting me from something down the road. No matter what, it sure makes for a great story.

The last of my three stories taught me about slothfulness. The other day a friend asked me to run with her to help her achieve a new distance goal. I was all about assisting and was feeling great until mile 2. That was when all of my previous running injuries decided to come back with a vengeance. My IT band issues flared up to the point I felt like I was being stabbed and my hip joints ached and were forcing me to change my gait. Definitely not something that felt at all pleasant, and on top of that, I was the reason we had to start walking. It was a big wake up call to my sheer laziness since July, which was the last time I really put any effort into running. Proverbs 13:4 states, "The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied." Sure I might have spent time craving to get back into running, but without getting myself out that door, I saw no results, and when I did, all I saw was injury. I've always had a love/hate relationship with running where I love to do races, but hate to actually train for them. This little setback taught me that I needed to be diligent in my training in the future if I was going to enjoy running without pain. Part of me wanted to sulk after this occurred, while another part of me was embarrassed since I'm known as a runner. I know Satan likes to get inside my head and desires to infuse my brain with a defeatist mentality, but I stopped short of throwing that pity party. Actually, what helped was thinking of my adopted nephew and how I always tell him to get over himself when he cries and then I threaten to club him like a baby seal* (yes, I believe in tough love and have an odd sense of humor). 

This morning, I truly realized that I needed to get over myself and just acknowledge the fact that I've been lazy and I can work past this if I do just that: work. I needed this wake up call and this third lemon in as many weeks, but I've honestly learned from each experience that God has thrown at me. I've learned that even with plans, one cannot foresee particular circumstances that unwittingly pop up. I've also been reminded that everything, good and bad, happens for a reason to build me up for the future, and that getting anxious about any mishaps won't get me anywhere. And lastly, I know that with a little hard work and preparing my legs for the impact of running, I can redeem my running career by October 26th so that I enjoy running the 2nd annual Run Your Booty Off 5K in Morehead City....dressed as a penguin. Just remember, life isn't about being perfect, it's sometimes about going with the flow and learning how to juggle unexpected situations and circumstances. So pay attention and be aware of the fact that God is trying to teach you something new everyday, and it's best to remain teachable.

This shirt has taught me to not take running so seriously...or myself for that matter

*There were no baby seals harmed in the typing of this blog post

Scatterbrained Ramble

I've had a lot on my mind lately, but then again, that's nothing out of the ordinary for an over-thinker like myself. I'm one of those overboard multi-taskers because I'm either easily distracted, or my mind is fueled with an obsessive need to know as much as possible at any given moment. Having your brain processing information at a million miles per hour can be a bit of a hindrance, though, especially when it comes to decision making. There comes a point when I find I have too many ideas filtering through my brain and too many options in front of me about what to do with my life. Instead of picking one and running with it, I feel like I just shut down mentally and get stuck in a rut. As Mark Batterson wrote in his book Wild Goose Chase, "'What is it you want?' I'm convinced that many of our problems are the by-products of the fact that most of us cannot answer that question. We don't know what we want. We've never defined our goals or values or passions, so we're out of touch with our heart's desires. And our growing responsibilities have numbed us to the possibilities around us and the passions within us." I don't think I could find a better way to describe the state that I'm in than that.
It's become more and more apparent that I'm going through life in a deer-in-the-headlights fashion as of late. I cringe whenever I'm asked the, "what do you want to do with your life?" question. A late night chat with my dad on the front porch a little over a week ago provided me with the beginning of a wake-up call. It was 1am and I was dealing with a bit of disappointment so I was sitting outside because that's a typical coping mechanism for me. My dad came out to keep me company and our conversation drifted to my future, which is when I began struggling to find answers for him. He then countered with this kick-in-the-teeth comment: "Well I suggest you figure out what it is you enjoy or wanna do or else you're gonna end up living the rest of your life in fear." That's the beauty of having a compassionate, yet hard-nosed German as a father; he's not subtle and doesn't beat around the bush, but gets straight to the point.
Honestly, it was just the comment I needed to fuel some more reading, thinking, and praying that might actually lead to some action from me, rather than indecisiveness. It was a reminder that I'm still living my life in a fashion that seeks glory for myself and makes me fear the opinions of others. Two pieces of Scripture that reminded me of this and opened my eyes were Matthew 10:28 and John 5:44. These verses focus on how humanity puts too much stock in the opinions, adoration, and attention received from other mere mortals as opposed to focusing on the opinion of God and giving Him all the glory. Unnecessary fear of others and their opinions can hold us back, while pride makes us turn away from Jesus, which is a sure fire way to fail in this life, and can be downright disastrous for the next.
I believe a fear that many of us have is not knowing what the future holds and now knowing God's "plan" for our lives. Too often this puts us at a standstill and we somehow stop making decisions about our lives or take any steps to progress toward a goal. It's much like this line from the song "Climbing a Chair to Bed" by the Dropkick Murphys: "Are you too afraid of living to make a man's mistakes?" Kevin DeYoung frames it nicely in his book Just Do Something in the following statement: "I'd like us to consider that maybe we have difficulty discovering God's wonderful plan for our lives because, if truth be told, He doesn't really intend to tell us what it is. And maybe we're wrong to expect Him to." The way I see it, our generation is far too distracted by gadgets and other sources of information to truly focus on God in an attempt to hear His guidance. Our focus has drifted off of God to every other tangible piece of technology or human being in front of us, possibly because we don't put much stock on the intangible, even though we might believe in our hearts that it exists. Unfortunately we're in a generation that desires and yearns for proof of everything.
For me, because of distractions and skewed focus, I've lost track of myself in the melee. Somewhere along the way I never allowed any dreams take root and lost confidence in my God given abilities. That led to a defeatist mentality, which seeped into all aspects of my life from career, to running, to my personal life. This of course kept me from developing and formulating any tangible goals in my life, leading to a rather melancholy existence. Sure, I've enjoyed the exploits from my vagabond lifestyle, but I think I fooled myself into believing I was happy with the direction my life was taking. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel and always will, but I don't want to feel like I'm just wandering through life without a destination or goal in mind. I began rethinking my life when I came across the song "Glass Houses" by The Classic Crime. It's a song that discusses how we all spend so much time building a glass house of happiness that's easily shattered once we stop putting up a front.

When the glass shattered around me

I learned a good lesson about my disorder

I thought I was happy

I said all the right things

I naively believed that my ship couldn't sink

But it did

You got hung up on the outside

Fake like you're living the good life

But death and decay on the inside

Just add pride and hate to your long list of crimes

All this keeping up with the Jones' leads us to pretend that our lives are a walk in the park and we bolster this with fake happiness and fantasies. Truth is, we're lying to everyone, including ourselves. I love how the lyricist of this song talks about how this is actually a disorder and that we're all naive to think it won't break down over time. A facade can only last so long before it begins to crumble or shatter. Most poignantly, though, is that the singer of "Glass Houses" speaks of the fact that he actually built a crystal cathedral amongst all of the glass houses.

This brings me to the first of two misconceptions I'd like to address before I close this lengthy ramble. Somehow churchgoers seem to have fallen into the trap of believing that they are not allowed to be anything but happy. Why is it that so many today feel this need to wear a mask and project false joy? Whatever happened to being able to feel the whole scope of emotions God provided us with? Not allowing ourselves to project anything but happiness because we assume that's how Christians should act totally negates the fact that the Book of Lamentations exists. Even David, a man after God's own heart, got frustrated and exuded various emotions within the Psalms. I recently saw a shirt on gratefulapparel.com that says, "Church isn't a museum for good people. It's a hospital for the broken." From my experience, broken people have various emotions and they don't have it all together all the time. We need to remember that we're allowed to express frustration, anger, and discontent as long as we don't remain in that mindset. Remember the words of Ephesians 4:26 ~ "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." And Psalm 30:5 says, "...Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Clearly we are meant to experience a myriad of emotions.

This brings me to my second point. I believe this misconception about our emotions stems from the misconception that happiness is promised to those who dedicate their lives to Christ. To be brutally honest, this is a huge fallacy. Nowhere in the Bible does God promise His followers happiness for a lifetime on this Earth. There is more emphasis placed on the fact that we are going to suffer and deal with struggles in this life. Romans 8:16-17 is very upfront and honest about this fact, stating, "The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we also may be glorified with him." Let that last part sink in a little bit. Suffering with Christ is in the equation for us to share in His glory. And the glory that Paul speaks of is not in the here and now, but in heaven. To put it bluntly using the words of Kevin DeYoung, "Life isn't always fun, and we shouldn't expect it to be." Truth is, life here on Earth is not all about us an whether or not we're happy. It's all about obeying God and allowing Him to be glorified.

Some of you might be wondering where this leaves us now and how we're supposed to muddle through life. I believe the secret is finding contentment. Paul wrote about the art of being content in both Philippians 4:11 and 1 Thessalonians 5:18. Paul wrote, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content," and, "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." No matter what you're dealing with in life, if Christ is your focus, you'll find contentment wherever you're at, regardless of circumstances. Start looking for joy in the little things life has to offer and focus on the positives, rather than the negatives. As Taylor Swift sings in "Starlight," "Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change. You'll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way." It's all a matter of perspective and whether or not you choose to be content with your life.

My advice to all of you is to start taking some initiative in your life and maybe listen to the song, "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot to help motivate yourself into figuring out if you're "who you want to be." Invest in your future, whether that means going to school, studying up on how you can start your own business, or actually getting that certification you've been putting off because you're cheap and lazy. Sure, you might have to change course in the future, but it's better than living a passive life, waiting for things to happen to you. That's a sure fire way to end up with regrets. Instead, put some actual thought into what your dreams could be and trust that God will be with you every step of the way, even if you aren't sure you're making the proper decision. He's in everything that you do and will work things out in the end. If you refuse to formulate some dreams and goals in life, there's no possible way to strive towards them and achieve what you desire. Take some risks and don't fear failure. Your failures will actually serving as learning experiences in the long run. And for pete's sake, stop focusing so much on what others might think of you and your goals. That will only hold you back. Keep God at the center of everything and strive to please Him with your life. But whatever you do, desire to be content rather than happy. Happiness is not guaranteed, but we all have the ability to be content no matter the situation, for blessings and struggles are all a part of God's hidden plan for your life.

Addressing a Common Misconception: God's Creation vs God's Children

If I think back to the not so distant past, I can remember sitting in SAT review classes discussing the fact that all BMW's are cars, but not all cars are BMW's. Along the same lines as this would be a concept that I only recently considered, which is the fact that we are all God's creation, but we are not all God's children. Some might think I'm being overly picky, but the distinction is necessary.
Looking back at Genesis 1:27, we find that it states, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." This statement proves that God created each and every one of us. Those unable to accept this as fact are those who do not have the Holy Spirit residing within them, and thus, are lacking the necessary faith to believe, as mentioned in Hebrews 11:3 ~ "By faith we understand that the universe was created by the Word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible." This lack of faith characterizes the unbelievers of the world, while being born of the Spirit is what distinguishes the believers, who are God's children.
Upon close analysis of Romans 8:5-8, there's a clear distinction between those who live by the flesh and those who live by the Spirit. Each and every person is born into a fallen world and has a sin nature that is opposed to all things holy. In that sense, all of Creation is on equal footing as we all fall short of God's righteousness. It is not until we are born again in the Spirit, as Jesus stated in John 3:3-6 that we are set apart for the Kingdom of God. It is only by God's grace that we are saved and able to be considered His children (Ephesians 2:1-10). Every Christian believer, therefore, is saved by God's grace and believes that Jesus is their Savior. Then, and only then, are they considered children of God and not just part of God's creation. John 1:12 clearly states, "But to all who did not receive him who believed in his name he gave the right to become children of God."
The most significant characteristic that makes it evident that someone is a believer in Christ, rather than an unbeliever is the Holy Spirit. Those individuals who repent of their sins and accept Christ in their hearts as Lord and Savior have the Holy Spirit dwelling within them. The Holy Spirit helps these individuals live according to the Spirit rather than the flesh, setting them apart as the true children of God. Proof of this is written in Romans 8:14, which says, "For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God." This is of noted importance because Romans 8:16 reiterates this point with different wording by saying, "The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God."
Many might claim to be Christians, but if there is no sanctifying proof of the Holy Spirit doing a work in their lives, they might be making false claims. Only those who accept Jesus as their Savior and through the help of the Holy Spirit try to obey God's Word are those who can be considered God's children and set apart for the kingdom of heaven.