There's a courage that is forged in pain
There's a purpose in the furnace flame
There's a purpose in the furnace flame
~Live Alive by Rend Collective
Within the Bible there is much imagery dedicated to gold and silver being purified in fire. Just as smelters seek to rid precious metals of their impurities, the Lord seeks to purify the hearts of His followers. God desires to strengthen the faith of believers and draw them closer to Himself. 1 Peter 1:6-7 seeks to illustrate this point by stating, "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith -- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire -- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." In light of this Scripture, and looking back on 2016, I very much believe that I spent the year in God's forge.
To impersonate Sophia Petrillo, "Picture it! Galilee, PA: February 2016." It was my least favorite month of the year and the gloom of winter was causing my mind and thought processes to spiral downward. For those who don't know, I struggle with anxiety and depression that can either be general, circumstantial, and almost always seasonal. If I'm diligent in prayer, I can usually catch myself and hold off the downward spiral. But other times, like last winter, my mind can become its own worst enemy and I can create problems that don't actually exist.
Being an introvert, I'm very observant and attuned to patterns, and I had convinced myself that a particular pattern in communication had become fractured. Instead of dealing with this situation rationally, I allowed my anxiety to take a stranglehold on my life. I believe that the best description for the mental sabotage i endured can be found in Zach Eswine's book Spurgeon's Sorrows. In it he states, "Though none of the bad things we imagine have happened to us, we 'convert our suspicions into realities and torture' ourselves with them in our own imaginations." And as Spurgeon himself declared, "On the very slightest turn of circumstances we begin to fret." Believe me when I tell you that it's not a fun place to be in mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. For anyone who has either experienced this personally or had a friend struggle, you'll know that an unfortunate byproduct of anxiety and depression is anger, and that was the next phase of my year.
At this point, I opted to go on a disaster relief trip for a change of scenery in the hope that this would cure my inner turmoil. While I was able to mask my struggles during the day for the most part, during my alone time the internal battle continued to rage and I began pleading with God to make me well. I was very aware that I was starting to lash out at close friends and couldn't figure out how to stop and just chill. I could totally relate to Anna Kendrick in her book Scrappy Little Nobody where she admitted, "The real problem is that I let my anxiety cripple my relationships." It was agonizing to notice shifts in friendships and painful to realize that my behavior was the most notable cause for the shift.
For the longest time I couldn't recognize the purpose behind my struggles. Thankfully God knew they were necessary to strengthen my resolve in order to minister to others while I dealt with the so-called trainwreck of my mind. Looking back to May, there was a particular morning that I was rather anxious and a chaplain pulled me aside at breakfast to pray with me. You know it's getting bad when the chaplains make a beeline for you. The blessing, though, was that I ended up working at the home of a woman who struggled with anxiety that bordered agoraphobia. I felt that God had placed me there specifically, so I took the time to share music with her, along with letting her know that it was okay to be frustrated and that there is an entire book in the Bible where the author voices his frustrations, which is aptly titled Lamentations. All of this was discussed while we carefully went through her closet looking for and thankfully finding the deed to her house. At the end of the day, another chaplain, who happened to be a trained counselor, expressed how he struggled to see past the clinical aspects of this homeowner's anxiety, but I was there in a capacity that allowed me to relate to her through shared experience. That was one of the few times all year that I felt like I had a purpose and that God was using my struggles to benefit others.
Although I came to this realization, I still endured a summer plagued with anger and negative thought processes. There were some notable bright moments spent with friends watching soccer, but I remained consumed by things that had gone wrong and yearned for my life and friendships to be restored to how they were in previous months. I forgot that change is inevitable and God had His own plan. He desired for me to focus solely on Him and in order to do that, certain aspects of my life needed to be refined and idols discarded. It wasn't until August that I finally began implementing some of these changes, which included taking better care of myself mentally and spiritually. This involved rearranging my work schedule so that I could finally make it to church on Sunday. This in turn gave me an opportunity to stop by work on my way home from church to share what I had learned during the sermon.
Through all of this, I finally recognized that God had protected me during certain events and kept me out of particular circumstances. He also made me keenly aware of the blessings He bestowed on me. The most apparent blessings came in the form of friends and fellow believers who desired to minister to me, pray for me, and help restore my lost joy. I'm thankful that I finally recognized the purpose for walking through God's refining fire this past year. I've taken to heart James 1:2-3, which states, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." Without facing trials, I may fall prey to thinking that I can do life without relying on God. Through my many trials, though, I've drawn closer to God, restoring my loyalty to Him, with a renewed desire to stand for my faith.
Being an introvert, I'm very observant and attuned to patterns, and I had convinced myself that a particular pattern in communication had become fractured. Instead of dealing with this situation rationally, I allowed my anxiety to take a stranglehold on my life. I believe that the best description for the mental sabotage i endured can be found in Zach Eswine's book Spurgeon's Sorrows. In it he states, "Though none of the bad things we imagine have happened to us, we 'convert our suspicions into realities and torture' ourselves with them in our own imaginations." And as Spurgeon himself declared, "On the very slightest turn of circumstances we begin to fret." Believe me when I tell you that it's not a fun place to be in mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. For anyone who has either experienced this personally or had a friend struggle, you'll know that an unfortunate byproduct of anxiety and depression is anger, and that was the next phase of my year.
At this point, I opted to go on a disaster relief trip for a change of scenery in the hope that this would cure my inner turmoil. While I was able to mask my struggles during the day for the most part, during my alone time the internal battle continued to rage and I began pleading with God to make me well. I was very aware that I was starting to lash out at close friends and couldn't figure out how to stop and just chill. I could totally relate to Anna Kendrick in her book Scrappy Little Nobody where she admitted, "The real problem is that I let my anxiety cripple my relationships." It was agonizing to notice shifts in friendships and painful to realize that my behavior was the most notable cause for the shift.
For the longest time I couldn't recognize the purpose behind my struggles. Thankfully God knew they were necessary to strengthen my resolve in order to minister to others while I dealt with the so-called trainwreck of my mind. Looking back to May, there was a particular morning that I was rather anxious and a chaplain pulled me aside at breakfast to pray with me. You know it's getting bad when the chaplains make a beeline for you. The blessing, though, was that I ended up working at the home of a woman who struggled with anxiety that bordered agoraphobia. I felt that God had placed me there specifically, so I took the time to share music with her, along with letting her know that it was okay to be frustrated and that there is an entire book in the Bible where the author voices his frustrations, which is aptly titled Lamentations. All of this was discussed while we carefully went through her closet looking for and thankfully finding the deed to her house. At the end of the day, another chaplain, who happened to be a trained counselor, expressed how he struggled to see past the clinical aspects of this homeowner's anxiety, but I was there in a capacity that allowed me to relate to her through shared experience. That was one of the few times all year that I felt like I had a purpose and that God was using my struggles to benefit others.
Although I came to this realization, I still endured a summer plagued with anger and negative thought processes. There were some notable bright moments spent with friends watching soccer, but I remained consumed by things that had gone wrong and yearned for my life and friendships to be restored to how they were in previous months. I forgot that change is inevitable and God had His own plan. He desired for me to focus solely on Him and in order to do that, certain aspects of my life needed to be refined and idols discarded. It wasn't until August that I finally began implementing some of these changes, which included taking better care of myself mentally and spiritually. This involved rearranging my work schedule so that I could finally make it to church on Sunday. This in turn gave me an opportunity to stop by work on my way home from church to share what I had learned during the sermon.
Through all of this, I finally recognized that God had protected me during certain events and kept me out of particular circumstances. He also made me keenly aware of the blessings He bestowed on me. The most apparent blessings came in the form of friends and fellow believers who desired to minister to me, pray for me, and help restore my lost joy. I'm thankful that I finally recognized the purpose for walking through God's refining fire this past year. I've taken to heart James 1:2-3, which states, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." Without facing trials, I may fall prey to thinking that I can do life without relying on God. Through my many trials, though, I've drawn closer to God, restoring my loyalty to Him, with a renewed desire to stand for my faith.
