Outward Expression of Inward Faith: Baptism Testimony

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. 

~Romans 6:4

I didn’t grow up going to church, but there was a Bible in the house that I would periodically flip through towards the end of middle school. It wasn’t until I was 15, though, that I truly believed God existed. A family friend’s daughter was in need of a liver transplant and there was a message on our answering machine asking for prayer one night in December 2003 because a donor match had been found and the transplant surgery was going to be that night. That message was left a few days after my dad had gotten back from Germany to visit his dying father, so before I went to bed, I said a little prayer for God to watch over the surgery and to have mercy on my grandfather so he didn’t have to suffer anymore. The next morning I could hear my parents talking in the kitchen saying that the transplant surgery had gone well, for which I was thankful. My dad wandered upstairs and asked me if I’d heard so I told him yeah that all was well after the surgery. His response was, “Yea and Opa died last night.” After I got past the initial shock of him passing away came the realization that God must truly exist since I had two prayers answered in one night.
Upon further exploration in the Bible and gaining an understanding of my family history, I became more aware that things didn’t just happen by chance and that God was in charge. By many accounts, I should never have been born given I had a great-grandfather buried alive in WWI and a grandmother who just so happened to leave a bunker during WWII that was bombed a week later. Also, what’s the likelihood of a mother growing up in Long Island and a father growing up in Germany and meeting at a campground in Vermont, staying in contact and getting married 8 years later?

Once I was in college, I began going to church with a friend of mine, but there was still a lot I didn’t know or understand. Also, I was still convinced that I could be in charge of my life, but that all changed in the fall of 2011. They always say you get closest to God when you hit rock bottom, and in 2011, that’s exactly what happened to me. All of my so-called success in college failed to get me a job and because of my bitterness, I watched many of my closest friendships crumble and be taken away for a season. It was at that point that I knew I needed to repent and give Jesus total control of my life.

Over the past year, because of my sporadic unemployment, I’ve been blessed with the ability to volunteer with Samaritan’s Purse Disaster Relief and have met many amazing people who have become like family to me. It was my way of living out Matthew 28:19 and going out to make “disciples of all nations” and serve Jesus. Except I slowly began to realize that I was being disobedient by trying to ignore the, “baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit” portion of the verse by not being baptized myself, which is why I’m here today. I’ve reached that point in my life where I know that I’m a sinner just like everybody else that walks the Earth, and I can’t do anything to change God’s opinion of me or have Him love me any more or less than He already does. He’s relentlessly sought me and been knocking on the door of my heart in the hopes that I would accept the grace that He extends to everybody. Only by God’s grace am I saved, as stated in Ephesians 2:8-9. Christ died on the Cross in order to pay the ultimate price for my past, present, and future sins. There’s nothing I can do to save myself; it’s all Jesus. He loves me so much that He was willing to die for me in order to restore my relationship with God. That’s an unfathomable amount of love for the human heart and mind to comprehend, but it’s also the source of immense joy once it’s accepted!
Learning about God’s grace and mercy taught me that He’s forgiven me for my desire to control every aspect of my life and for those selfish and condemning thoughts that pop into mind when things didn’t/don’t “go my way.” There’s nothing I can do to change His opinion of me when I’m clothed in the righteousness of Christ because of the blood He shed for my sake. Along with that, I’ve finally realized that God knows what is best for my life, as much as I have tried to convince myself otherwise. This has been quite liberating for a planner such as myself, and I no longer feel that I must know what’s going to happen tomorrow because I can trust that He already does and will help me through whatever I might encounter. Putting my trust in Jesus and relying on God’s grace has helped me slowly find the peace of mind I’ve been searching for.

Musical Motivation

The past couple weeks I feel like my serotonin levels have been slowly decreasing and then decided to take a nosedive at some point this week. For those who don't totally understand brain chemistry (myself included), that pretty much means I haven't felt like myself for a little while and this week the depression decided to rear its ugly head inside my head...again. I've come to accept the fact that this is just something that I deal with, but as a Christian, it also discourages me at times because I get frustrated with the reaction to my depression, which borders along the lines of self-pity. I find this quality in myself rather unwholesome when it springs up and desperately want to tell myself to get over myself, which I do, but surprise, surprise, that doesn't really do much of anything. In order to cope, I turned to my Bible and would read, then get distracted, then read, followed by more distraction. I also opted to listen to Alistair Begg's podcast, which this week happens to focus on trials that Christians will encounter, referencing James 1:1-3 and 1 Peter 4:12-19. As useful as all of this was, it still didn't change my mood at all. Making things worse was the fact that, in the grand scheme of things when compared to those who are suffering over in the Philippines or others who are dealing with actual struggles, I have nothing to complain about.
Then today I decided to go for a run. I'd love to say that my mood immediately improved because of it, but it didn't. I know that things like my bouts of depression take time to process, but I did do something unique on my run: listen to music. To some of you, this may not seem like such an odd concept since numerous people run with their iPods these days. The thing is, I'm typically not one of those people. But after today's experience, I think I will be one of those people. I used to be more of a purest, as in a runner who could go out and run for miles for the enjoyment of it, or because I knew I was training for a race. These days, though, I've found it hard to get myself off the couch. Too much chaos in my brain telling me I'm not the runner I used to be and too often, if I did manage to lace up my shoes and get on the road, I couldn't get in more than a mile before I was bored or pondering what the heck I was doing. This of course doesn't bode well for someone who would like to run a half marathon next May. So off I went today with my iPod in the hopes of getting some endorphins to boost the doldrums of my mind.
I didn't perform any miraculous feat of speed or distance, but I did accomplish a 2.5 mile run without wondering what the heck I was doing or feeling like I wanted to throw in the towel. It's been a little while since that's happened, so I was pleased. Also, when I was going up the steepest hill on this particular route, the song "Anklebiters" by Paramore came on, and the lyrics got me thinking. As much as I try to tell myself and everybody else that I don't care about what other people's opinion of me are, I clearly do and I've unfortunately allowed that to impact who I am. Don't get me wrong, I like who I am and all, but there are times in your life when people do or say things that just make you wonder and question yourself, and I think that's typically how I end up getting depressed from time to time. I'm by no means blaming anybody but myself for my mood because, at the end of the day, I have the power and choice over what thoughts occupy my mind (...take every thought captive to obey Christ, ~2 Corinthians 10:5), but I think it was something I needed to be made aware of again. The song not only helped to motivate me up that obnoxiously steep hill today, but it helped me re-evaluate who I am and what I focus on. Again, I'm still in a bit of a rut, but I'm slowly making steps of progress to get out of it. And it's those little victories in life that I must focus on. Sometimes it's not all about the big picture, but those baby steps away from where you don't want to be.